Disciplining with Faith

In my social media posts, I tend to pick the happier pictures of the family... because
1. it's social media (and it's 90% fake news or at least it only shows a glimpse of what happens 10% of the day) and
2. who even has the mood to pose and take photos when things are bad *tsk*

One of our favorite activities together

Yet amidst the laughter, we have our struggles with our kids. The toughest part of parenting for me, isn't the pregnancy, recovery and breastfeeding (I speak from experience), sitting down and studying with them (it's still painful though), dealing with their tantrums in public (thank God for thick skin) or even dealing with the different styles of raising your kids with your spouse or in laws (no explanation needed). The worse for me is really when one needs to exert discernment in discipling.

You see, disciplining can result in many things... you can have really great outcomes where they listen to you (and we all live happily ever after), when they don't agree with you and defy you (and you don't know what goes on inside their minds) or when you are not even confident if you did the right thing even. So as you can see the majority of disciplining (for me) ends with something... negative, which means chances are after a disciplining session, I might
(a) lose my temper
(b) end up with at least 1 angry kid
(c) end up in tears at night wondering if I could have done things differently

Yesterday was one of the days when I was tested again. We had pledged $12 to a friend's kid's school fundraising campaign the day before which the mister had passed to Julian to place in the donation envelope, but the parents went home that night and told us that they only had the $2 and according to their daughter, Julz had taken $10 and kept it. Knowing how much he's fascinated by money, it is possible that it happened.

Last night, D was out for class and I was home alone with the kids. I asked Julz about the $10 and he told me that he had given to the girl that day and wasn't sure what happened to it subsequently.  After checking with my other kids, they all said the same version and he didn't play with it later. Since the $10 was missing in my house, it's obvious it had to be somewhere at home. Got everyone to look for it, but it was in vain.

I checked with my friend if his daughter could remember where she might last saw it, but no one could (sign that $10 nowadays isn't a big thing). My dear friends, would you trust your child or would you trust otherwise given the lack of evidence?

I made the painful decision of forfeiting $10 from Julz piggy bank. (Remember, this child of mine loves money). Julian cried, not because I asked him to bring down his piggy bank, but because I scolded him. I know this boy of mine isn't the best behaved kid amongst the 4 but when he is wrongly accused, that's his normal reaction. And my mother's instinct told me that (thankfully) he didn't take the money. But I wanted him to know that he needed to pay the price of not doing his job properly. Julian saves $2 each day because he doesn't believe in spending too much in school and he enjoys seeing his money grow, so $10 was probably a big thing for him. When he took the money out and passed me, my heart ached. I was holding back my tears and tried to look away so he won't see any trace of my eyes being wet.

The apology note he wrote

I explained to him that while it may not have been his fault entirely, it was because of his irresponsibility and oversight that got him into this. I think he understood it and a part of me was glad he could be detached enough to let go of his $10 for this.

We sat down that night and I got him to write a note too to the couple friends, because he was rude to them and since he was receptive, why not?
We ended with a hug and a kiss and said the night prayers with the rest of the other kids.

When the mister got home, he told me he would have waived the $10 but I disagreed. My argument is that, unlike God, we cannot be around all the time to get him out of situations like these. But we did agree to reimburse him on a later date on a separate occasion.

Everything seemed fine, but I went to bed with a heavy heart. If it was the right thing to do, why would my heart feel the ache? Parenting is never for the weak hearted and our views and decisions made can never be perfect, but as a catholic, the only consolation is I can always turn to the Perfect one who probably has tonnes of experience coping with disciplining... from afar.

A priest friend once told me that God has by far the greatest experience of dealing with children who defy and walk away from Him. He has also felt the greatest pain of sending His innocent child to die on the cross for the greatest sinner amongst us... (Think Hitler and whoever). But I suppose I'm luckier than Him since I can physically hug and kiss my child and remind him I still love him and not leave it to "faith".

You may not agree with how I handled it, and I don't claim to be an expert on disciplining kids even though I have 4 (and soon 5).

I shared before in my social media post that one of the blessings of having kids is the fact I'm seen more on bended knees before the cross, became more humble and more human. The best thing I could do last night was to go to bed, and pray that even if I didn't get the gift of wisdom, I hoped that my kids got the gift of understanding...

I hope God answered that. :)

Growing as a Parent

Heaven is a place called home.. (image from
www.billingualmonkeys.com)

Every time when I meet with friends, they are all amazed that I am surviving with four kids. I don't regret having them and I always tell my friends that until you have them, you will truly understand the immense joy they bring. Truth be told, even with four kids, I still get tested, feel helpless, and yes, motherhood makes me feel lousy at times.

Just a couple of months back, while playing with each other, Audrey kicked Julian in the balls. Julian's privates swelled up a great deal and he was crying and screaming. I spent the next few hours bringing him around the clinics to make sure all is good. (As a general rule, apparently as long as it isn't painful when you press and peeing isn't a problem, it should be okay)

I took Audrey and Julian out from school the next day and wanted them spend some time together and hopefully maybe talk to them about being nicer to each other. I planned for Slappy Pancakes that morning and thought the kids would have enjoyed themselves making breakfast together.
However, I should have known, there's no such thing as "go as planned" with kids. Before we could leave the house, the two argued because one didn't share a piece of paper with the other.

Throughout the whole journey there, I had to spend the time discussing with them about their actions. While Audrey was okay, it didn't sit well with Julian. When we got out of the car, Julian was throwing a tantrum. He was screaming and shouting and didn't want to join us at the table. He wanted us to leave. Fortunately, that day I was given enough grace to be cool about it and sat at the table with Audrey ordering our ingredients. Julian was still sulking at the corner and once in a while, he would be shouting things like "I don't like mummy anymore", or "Mummy is stupid" (Honestly, if he was not my kid, I would have smacked him upside down) Through it all, I would invite him still to come and join us when he is ready, however he still chose not to. (I should be given sainthood for this)

Sitting and sulking in a corner...

And because there was no reaction from me, at one point, Julian took out his slippers and threw at me. We had a table beside us, and the little girl told her mummy, "mummy, he actually threw his slippers at them" Honestly, if I was there alone with him, I would have left the restaurant half way and we would have been on the way home. However, I saw my first born enjoying herself and I felt it was not fair to deprive her of such joy because of him and chose to focus on her and pretended to enjoy myself.
Deep down I was dreading each minute. I felt embarrassed and thought in the eyes of the others, I must have been the world's greatest failure. I would have cried but I knew I couldn't.

After awhile, Julian finally either got hungry or got tired and asked me to go to the corner to bring him to the table. (Finally, God took pity on me) When I started to talk to him about his behavior, he clamped up and refused to listen to me. Finally, I admitted to him that I was feeling hurt by his actions. With that, it suddenly sounded foreign to him and he seemed to realize something.

Pancakes have never
tasted so sweet..

My mother's instinct told me that what was said was enough and we just continued making the pancakes. I thought that the initial lesson of teaching them to be more loving towards each other isn't going to happen today especially when we just ended a trying session. I left the table to get some water and when I returned I was amazed that my daughter was feeding Julian pancakes. They were laughing and they just enjoyed the moment. And for that moment, they were loving.

On hindsight, if I had acted on my emotions and left the restaurant, I would probably have robbed them this chance of enjoying each other's company. In fact, a little part of me was proud that I didn't react to the situation but responded putting my daughter's needs above mine.

If sadness was created for humans to appreciate and understand what joy is, then trials in parenthood are invented for one to appreciate the immense joys it brings. Everyday has its own set of lessons waiting for us to grow as a family… all I know is, I only fail when I stop trying. And if you love your kids, you are ready for the challenge. :) Share with me what lessons you learn from parenthood!!! Otherwise… if you are reading this… You will be fine! :D

How do you discipline your kids?

We were having dinner with some of our friends and the topic of the disciplining of children came up. Some talked about spanking, while others talked about reasoning. Regardless, chances are there will be ONE parent who does the disciplining while the other uses that parent as a threat.

D is the fun-loving parent. He has the patience to play with them, to reason with them and to just have fun with them. The kids adore him and will choose to play with him over me ANY time.

But just because he plays with them doesn't mean that the kids listen to him when it is time for disciplining. Hence D's favorite line "I tell Mummy.." (In fact, that's everyone's favorite line)

D and I (mainly I) tried many ways of disciplining… From spanking to reward charts to reasoning to the ever famous naughty corners. There were a few times each worked, but there were times when the methods fell flat. 

Of course, when Audrey was in Cherrybrook Kindergarten, the tutor taught us some methods that we actually found more effective than others! So here's a write up on the reviews of the methods we tried:

1) Naughty Corner

D and I started the naughty corner with Audrey. Audrey knew how to count and initially when we started this, we would get Audrey to go to a corner and count to 10 before coming back.

M: Go to that corner and count to 10

(After Audrey finishes her counting, she comes back)

M: Are you ready to behave?

A: No

M: Okay fine. Go back there and count to 20

(Happily walks to a corner and counts. After so, she comes back and reports)

M: Are you ready to behave?

A: Yes

M: Are you now willing to listen to mummy and sit still? 

A: Yes (And she gives you the biggest smile ever and is more receptive on being disciplined)

The ever famous spot in our house...

You can say that it was easy but to even put her in the spot initially was hell… in fact, it was really painful to get all 3 of them to stay at the spot at first. You put them there, they move and run away from the corner. I lost count of how many times we had to carry them back to the spot. But they get the idea at one point. They can't win the parent (mummy in this case) and after a while, they just stay there until they have cooled down. 

The naughty corner works best when our kids throw a tantrum. (Do note that if they are tired, this is probably one method which will drain you out most. At such times, I hardly use this method or if I do, it will be for short periods) It makes them cool down and lets them realize that their tantrums won't get them anywhere.

2) Spanking 

All our kids have been spanked. But we draw the line on using the cane. While we both got caned by our parents and we are fine, D isn't comfortable with that. He believes that there are better methods than that. I listened to his stand and respected it. (He's their father regardless) We didn't know how we will discipline the kids subsequently, but we tried not to consider caning as an option.

However, we still spank them regardless. We do so mainly when they are stubborn or when they are disrespectful. 

3) Reward Chart

The ever popular stickers used...

We tried once… and only once. (and we didn't even finish it) To be fair, as much as it catches everyone's interest at first, sustaining it is another matter all together. That's our problem. It was hard work to keep track of their good behavior and giving them stickers for it everyday. 

But we also felt at one point, they were only behaving because they want to rewarded, not because they learnt the better thing to do.

What's worse is that this system depends heavily on their moods. If they felt like it, they behave and asked for their stickers, if they didn't, they still went back their old ways. Also, Audrey being the competitive one, always tried to have more stars on her chart than Isaac. After a while, D and I thought it wasn't exactly one of the best system and we discontinued it.

4) Asking "What" questions 

It is common that we always ask the children "Why", like "Why aren't you sharing your toys?" or "Why didn't you behave yourself".. etc. Audrey's tutor in Cherrybrooks taught us that asking why questions usually create a stumbling block. The children at one point, may not understand why they did so, and another they aren't sure what answer the adult is trying to get so that they will not be in trouble.

So we ask "What" questions instead.

Isaac was sitting on the sofa with his legs stretched out. Audrey wanted to sit at the edge of the sofa, however, Isaac was insistent not to let her do so, despite her asking nicely.

M: Isaac, can you move your legs and let her sit on the sofa?

I: No

M: What is stopping you from moving your legs?

I: (thought for a while) Nothing..

M: If nothing is stopping you, can you let her sit?

I: No

M: Okay. Is there anything I can do to help that?

I: No.

M: So is anything stopping you to move your legs again?

I: No

M: Can you now move your legs and let her sit?

I: Okay. 

Apparently, "What" questions make it less threatening. You may want to consider using that, this is one of the highly recommended methods!

5) Focus on what virtue can be practiced

A list of virtues that the school focuses on...

One of the reasons why I like Cherrybrook Kindergarten is their emphasis on virtues. Like some afternoons when Audrey sits and does her revision work with me, she does have her moments of procrastinating and gets distracted.

A: Mummy, I don't want to do already

M: Audrey, you are almost done. You just have half a page left. Can you practice some perseverance and self-discipline and finish it? After which, you can take a short break.

A: (thought for a while) okay…

So instead of saying to your child, "Don't be shy.", another way is to say "Let's practice the virtue of courage and friendliness and make some friends". My kids still need some encouragement here and there, but with consistency, they are getting there. Saying things like "Shy" or "Lazy" just highlights and gives them the reason to continue behaving the way they were, there was nothing (positive) for them to work on.

Whatever methods I use, I always end the discipline session with a hug and a kiss, reminding them that I love them a lot.

Discipling is a pain, but lack of discipline is worse. Do you have any methods that you use and don't mind sharing? Hope to hear stories from you too!