The Greatest Love

Many times, when D and I go out, friends always ask about the kids. "Great!" I will say, "they are still alive" While most times we laughed at the response, many don't know that to me, that's the best thing I feel each day when I wake up - to know that my kids are safe and alive.

I'm not sure if many realize but while we many be able to decide and control the amount of money we earn, the type of friends we hang out with, the spouse/partner to be with, the type of job to do, the gift of parenthood is one that's not based on one's merit and choice. That makes being mummy to Audrey, Isaac and Julian (and now no4) even more special. Because, even through my limitations, mistakes and unworthiness, the one above thinks i can love and be loved by ways more than one.

Yet the gift of parenthood comes with the gift of fear - fear that I will fail them as a mum, fear that I will not able to see them blossom, fear that I may not know what to do when something bad happens to them and the greatest one.. the fear I will lose them.

I was sharing with some friends that though I am at 18 weeks now, I don't really feel the movement of the baby… I am a little paranoid that something might happen to it, especially when now I seem to see quite a bit of Facebook postings on stillborns and failed pregnancies etc. I can't help at times to wonder if it is a sign to prepare me for the worse. 

Many didn't know, but between Isaac and Julian, I had a failed pregnancy. Though it was only 7-8 weeks then, I remembered for some nights subsequently I actually broke down and wondered if I could have done anything different to protect that baby… But the pregnancy ended and though 3 months later I was given Julian, the pain of losing that baby will always be there. 

Of all the funerals that I have attended, the most painful ones are those when the parents have to bury their child, because when they lay their child to rest, a part of their hearts goes down with them. 

Lent helps me to reflect how much then God loves me (and you… and basically everyone on earth). Isn't it the greatest irony that the carpenter's son was to be hammered onto a cross and left there to die? I mean, all the while Christ could be a fisherman's son or whatever… but growing up for him was playing with the tools that one day will kill him. And God the Father knows but all He would do was to let it happen.

If you haven't had the chance to listen to this song - Sacrifice by Bob Fitts, I highly recommend that you take some time to watch it on youtube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc8bXQ0ytD8). In short, this song was on how Abraham was brought to the test of sacrificing the one child whom he had been waiting for basically all his life…

The song writes the pain and struggle of the Abraham as he walks up the hill to sacrifice his son who essentially is his dreams, hopes and his everything. 

The songs ends asking us to consider that love when God chose to sacrifice Jesus just to save us. Of course, He is God… and with a snap of his fingers (if he even wants to do it) everyone will be saved, but just to make us understand how much love He has for us, He had to sacrifice his son. (I mean isn't it easier to just kill yourself than to sacrifice your child?)

So… Thank you Father… for time and again reminding me that I'm specially made according to Your plan. Thank you for giving me the reassurance that no matter what happens, You will always carry me through… And i pray that should the time come for me to obey, your sacrifice gives me the strength to say yes. 

Our Journey for Lent

Lent. How do you explain Lent to children? Specifically 3, 5 and 7. It was even tough to explain to them death. (That's for another post)

It took me quite some time to figure what Lent would mean to child… because i realized, I too don't know what it means to me.

Not finding an excuse because I was a cradle catholic. It's just that i haven't truly owned what Lent (at this point) would mean to me. If i didn't know… why would my kids know or for that matter, want to know?

I went online to google on Lent and it's interesting that some people had defined it as a pagan practice since it seems like catholics go through a whole fasting and abstinence thing for 40 days just to 'atone for the non-christlike stuff we did', i.e. to do something in exchange for grace.
But grace.. just like love, shouldn't be conditional. It's a gift.
I don't tell my children, if you do this, i will love you more. I mean… I just love them. Period. And God just loves.
It is indeed disrespectful and rude to assume that just because God loves me, hence I can do whatever i deem fit.

So… what does Lent mean to me? If Lent is doing something that we hardly do in our lives, then for this Lent, let it be a season of giving thanks.
Giving thanks for the gift that God has given, and saying a prayer for him/her or even the matter.

With that in mind, I saw this idea from the internet on a Prayer Chain. Basically, you write down a list of things you want to pray for this Lent, and you tape them up in a chain. Every morning, you break each chain and say a prayer for that intention.
I changed it a little and I got the kids to write something that they are thankful for so far… and told them that they should say a prayer every morning on that subject matter. D fetches the kids to school and he probably could use that to talk to the children why they were thankful for that matter.

The idea was probably the EASIEST to come up… now sitting down with them to discuss something they are thankful for… zzz 
It made me think… were things provided for them so easily that they didn't realize that these things/people were blessings. To them… it seemed like they were a given. (I have to admit this made me feel a little uncomfortable… so now when they are given a certain privilege, i need to remind myself to highlight to them that it's a gift not a given.) Does anyone out there feel the same thing too???

After 1 hour, i glad the children were able to come up with things like "thank you for teacher ABC, she taught me to write!"or "thank you God for my godparents, they spend time with me!"
I'm most touched when they thanked God for their grandpa, my dad. He's a very quiet person who doesn't really get the chance to spend a lot of time with them. But they noticed that his leg had a cut recently (something that even i didn't know) and at times a little swollen (not because of his cut) and wanted to say a special prayer for him.

So here's the children's prayer chain hung on the back of the door. This starts on Monday since that's the time when D can talk to them about it while driving them to school… Why is Julian's so short… Because he had difficulties staying focused. And i thought 11 is not that bad a start.

What about you guys? What is Lent for you like?