In my time, Mummy

Kids grow up so fast they say. (It doesn't feel that way when they misbehave or they wake you up in the middle of the night.. somehow you wish they grow up faster) But when all is calm and when you start to think back through the years, somehow, they are right. 

Isaac's graduation class photo

Even though Isaac is only six… but within that time, he's gone from crawling to running, babbling to reading and just last week, he's graduated from his kindergarten. (Yay to cheaper school fees but OMG to he's going Primary School???) 

I remembered just March last year, I actually broke down halfway through dinner with D as I felt Isaac was struggling with his learning. (In case you missed the posting, you can read it again here: http://chellelifestory.blogspot.sg/2015/03/when-tiger-mum-learns-to-just-be-mum.html) 

I was worried that he will not be able to cope in school, that he might be left behind and that he won't be able to succeed in future. (Though at that time I didn't have a benchmark or an idea as to what success would mean for a kid…) BUT because he could not remember  what was taught 5 seconds ago, or he could not recognize his alphabets then, I freaked out. It didn't help in my paranoia that at that time other kids around his age were doing much better and some friends suggested that he might need medical intervention. 

I remembered feeling helpless and just breaking down in front of D thinking that just because Isaac might not succeed, I had failed. (Mothers can be so hard on themselves)

I mean, besides smiling and charming people around him, he couldn't read and didn't talk much, besides knowing how many robots there are in transformers, he  didn't have any number sense and could not do simple addition. In short, even as a mother, I saw what he couldn't do more than celebrated what he could do. 

And while people with good intentions will tell you that exams are overrated and there's more to life than school exams, no one would be able to feel the anxiety more than the parents. (Because hello, most professionals come from the same few leading schools) At some point, I got frustrated with myself. On one hand, I really wanted them to enjoy their childhood, but on the other hand, I can't help but compare with their peers on where they stand. I found I was struggling because I didn't know what I actually valued in parenting. 

At least in Singapore, the hallmarks of the child's life are punctuated with the different exam points in their school life. The highlight for a 10 year old is the streaming exams, for a 12 year old the PSLE, the 14 year old the selection process of subjects for O levels, the 16 year old the O levels, the 18 year old the A levels etc. And so, for parents somehow, we use this benchmark to decide how we have also fared in parenthood. If the kids achieve good results, it would indirectly translate that we have done well in our parenting styles, at least in the eyes of many others.

But I personally have never been really successful in the education system. I mean, sure I didn't fall through the cracks of the system, but I didn't achieve top scores. Not many people know this but I actually got D7 for my GP in my AO levels. SO yes… I didn't have a full A levels certificate and if you did get it, you are already one up above me.

Image from auto.howstuffworks.com

But only when we take a step back, we also know that exams results don't guarantee health, happiness and love. I remembered a few months ago, Isaac read out a bible passage on the screen and I was pleasantly surprised. Even if the words weren't difficult, I cheered because he could read. There were times when he surprised me too with his logic. Like recently, while D was driving, he asked D if he could drive faster. "How much faster?" D asked. Isaac took a look at the speedometer and said "220km/hr." D laughed and explained that's not possible. "Of course it's possible papa, if not why would they put it there?" Isaac innocently asked. 

Moments when he looked out for his younger siblings or when he so willingly give up his things for them warms my heart more than what he got for his spelling tests.

I asked D what he thought success was and he told me that the moment when he can do something without worrying what other people thought of him would be the time when he is successful. (Wherever does he get his wisdom from???) I agree.

I still find myself struggling and on that account, Isaac has done way better than me. Of course he loves to be praised and complimented, but even if it looks silly, he is far more courageous to try it than me, or my 'smarter' kids.

Such things may not be recognized in a school test, but he will be fine in life. And I should learn to be too. 

All in the Name of Love

What is done in love, is done well. - Vincent Van Gogh

So I was at a wedding recently where a couple chose to write their own vows. The groom, feeling up to it, promised the bride the following:

-To wake up earlier than usual everyday to make breakfast for the bride

-To pack and clean the room everyday

-To do all the night feeds and diaper changing when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night

-To give her absolute freedom

-To give her whatever he earns

After hearing the first promise, I told my friend if D was here, he would have said "siao" (which means crazy in hokkien) and I was right.

When he finished, I turned to my friend and said that if he were my son, I would not be smiling. He laughed and told me I have aged. 

When I was younger, I remembered calling my parents up during school hours just because I am thinking of them and to tell them I love them. I don't know what changed, but I don't seem to (be able) to do it now. (Hmm… actually, I don't remember when I last said I love you to D… )

Even as a mother, I still struggle with expressing my emotions and being affectionate towards my kids, especially when they are growing older now. Even holding hands with my kids is more of a practical basis (like not losing them) rather than a 'motherly' reason of wanting them to be close to you (which is probably the same as not losing them I suppose..)

I'm not proud of the fact that I'm 'cold'. In fact, I do envy my friends who have a close relationship with their kids and parents. But strangely enough, I do get uncomfortable trying otherwise and it makes me somehow 'socially awkward'. After some tries, I end up going back to my usual comfortable 'cold' self. 

Truth be told, I don't have a great …good... much of a relationship with my in laws. I mean they are nice (and I honestly think I am quite nice too), but apparently nice people don't necessarily have great relationships.

Our relationship is more cordial than friendly and given a choice, I don't think I would do anything on my end to actively try to have a relationship with them. (Especially when I'm not an affectionate person.. this becomes much harder) 

Unfortunately, I have learnt that many times this puts D in a very uncomfortable position, especially during the moments when he has stood by me and supported my stand on certain issues. (Let's just say the conversations they have will not be pleasant) 

I have often wondered how is it ever possible that Love can always be patient, kind, not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs? But the decision to love does help. I may not necessarily love my in laws, but I love D and loving him makes me want to do something for him with his family. 

We didn't enter the marriage blind to what problems our families might bring. Naively, we thought they would go away or get better. The in-laws issue never went away from day one… and truth of the matter is, it might never will. While we do argue about it, we are not going to throw our marriage away for it. 

Frankly, such decisions are never made with such conviction. Somehow, everything seems to be magnified when D's the hardest to love. But fortunately, at those times, praying for grace helps… not immediately, but we get by easier. 

So just like the groom who made those promises on his wedding day and got everyone doubt and laugh at his decision to love, he will only be the fool if he gives up trying.

Peter the Rock

Today is my first born's birthday. It's been 8 years since we embarked on this journey of parenthood. Nothing what school has taught or prepared us for, but just what we remembered from growing up with our parents.

Special birthday blessing
from Fr. Arro

Surely being parents to four kids we would have tons of advice and experiences to share. But truth of the matter is, while we might cope better with a kid than we did 8 years ago, we still continue to struggle. I always tell others that it's not that we know what to expect even with four kids, but our expectations are just lowered. In the past, I remember we would sign Audrey to classes like gym and Julia Gabriel Chinese classes, and with no 2,3, and 4, we were like "don't be silly". Now we are just glad that they could eat, sleep, breathe and poo. (Told you our expectations dropped)

Truth be told, I have no idea how we managed to survive the past 8 years with 4 kids and come out alive (I mean them not us). Throughout this time, I had moments when I had been careless with my words and actions. No they were not abused, but I know their spirits had been crushed as well. Like how I would raise my voice at Audrey when we were going through her work because she doesn't get the concept or worse forgotten about it. Fortunately, kids are equipped with forgiveness, and soon, other moments of tenderness replace that moment of doubt. 

I have had moments when I had to look out for the younger child and miss out on the growing up of the older or more independent ones which soon became a habit and after awhile they grow up so fast and they don't need me anymore or maybe prefer the helper or daddy or grandma to me. 

I have had moments of being frustrated of not knowing what to do with a tantrum throwing kid (which usually happens when you are rushing for time). If the day is good, I would let them continue to wail and make a fool out of themselves until they get tired and know that there's no way things will change. But on a bad day, I was either left with smacking the child or leaving the house and let them cry until they get tired. 

Oh! Not forgeting the moments when I got caught up and stressed by the other kids' progression compared with mine and realizing they are slower than their peers, which in turn makes me worried and stressed and suddenly I become so paranoid with their education and that makes me the not-so-fun parent.

Honestly, just because I had listed them down doesn't mean I have overcome them. With everyday I still struggle with my decisions and my parenting choices. Even with four kids, I go through the same battles as those with one… worse. I may have failed 4 times over and maybe I will never learn for some things. (That sucks)

But through these 8 years, I draw comfort from Peter. When Jesus changed Simon's name to Peter, it was not because he was as solid as a rock then. He was possibly one who was really quite a "failure". (I mean, he was the only one who asked to walk on water and yet when he was given the chance he got scared and fumbled. And he was so confident that even when Jesus who obviously knew what was going to happen said that he was going to deny him three times, he said otherwise) But God saw what we don't see. He saw the future value of Peter and not his current shortcomings. 

Being a mother of four, I have to admit, I don't have all the answers and even if I do, those answers may not be perfect or right. The only consolation I have is, Christ is always here. And it's probably the best consolation I need. :) 

Image from 

spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com

When Chocolates Become a Lesson on Money

We got an email from Audrey's school yesterday telling us that her form teacher would be leaving and another teacher would be taking over the class.

On the way out for dinner, we discussed with Audrey how it would be nice to give her teacher a small present to wish her all the best in her future endeavors. Audrey agreed and thought she should get chocolates.

And who doesn't like Lindt? 

After dinner, we went to the chocolate section in the supermarket and she zoomed in to something that she thought was nice and would make a great gift. (See the picture on the right)

We agreed that it was and told her that since it was her teacher, we would be loaning her the amount and she could repay us everyday from her pocket money. Audrey was stunned. She immediately went back to check the price of the chocolates and put it back on the shelf. 

She then went through the whole chocolate section only this time she looked not just at the packaging but at the price as well. D and I smiled at each other. He of course quipped that at least she didn't pick up the $1.20 ones… but truth be told she saw a kit-kat at $0.70 and wanted to get it for the teacher which I of course told her she could get it only if she appreciates her teacher that much.. Fortunately, she put that back as well.

So here's the second choice. 

It's not too bad, but we told her, the price should not be the only factor when deciding on a gift. We got her to imagine herself as a recipient and to choose something that she actually enjoys and she would like the other person to enjoy that too. (To be fair, Audrey hasn't really eaten Dairy Milk chocolates before… I'm not sure why…) 

She put the chocolates back and went on looking for something she was okay with the price and something she knows she would like. (All this happen of course with the two younger boys running around the supermarket going crazy and asking us if their sister could buy them chocolates… *rolls eyes*)

Finally, she decided on something she liked and even gave some thought as to why she thought her teacher might like it.

Not too bad right????

There were three flavors - Cookies and cream, Milk chocolate with almonds and Milk chocolate. We asked her which we should get for her teacher, and she chose the plain milk chocolate since there is "more chocolate and who doesn't like more chocolate". 

In case you thought that this decision process is completed, it hasn't. She said she needed a card to give as well. We gave her two choices. One was to buy a card from the bookshop which would be another $4 or so or she could go home and make a nice one for the teacher. Without thinking, she said she will go back and make it. (D and I laughed at her decision)

On the way home, we discussed with how much would she be paying D everyday for the loan. Her pocket money is $2/day, of which $0.20 is put in her savings and another $0.20 is set aside for church offerings on Sundays, so which means she is left with $1.60. We worked on $0.40, $0.80 and $1.00. But D was a little concern if we got her to return $1/day she would not have enough to spend in school.  So we told her not to push it and choose something she was okay to part with. (Of course the boys overheard and told her to pay mummy and not daddy… HAHAHA. I am also not sure why?!?)

After doing her card and packing her bag, she agreed that she would pay $0.40 a day and worked out a repayment schedule with me. 

So every morning, when daddy fetches her to school, she will give him $0.40 and it was her responsibility to give it and not to be asked, which she agreed.

That night, we knew she must have felt the pinch when she actually had to pay for something from her own pocket and we reminded her that before she so decides to ask her grandparents for something she fancies in future to think if it was really necessary. 

After the kids had gone to bed at night, I began to reflect if I had actually taught my kids on the concept of money. Both D and I have never really involved them in our financial decisions to be honest. Something simple like when we host a dinner or even plan a holiday, the kids do not sit with us to discuss why we had paid a certain amount on our choices. Yet, these decisions, as simple and natural as we think, are never common to kids, which just means those decisions that were 5 seconds long in the past may become 5 minutes in future… but if that would make them more aware about money, that's a good investment isn't it? :)

Is success for ordinary people?

Yesterday, I was just browsing through my Facebook page and stopped at a profile that was a friend of D. She's not a celebrity or anything but with almost every of her post garnered at least 100 likes. She is barely 30, not married, owns a business in technology (one of the few women in the industry), gets invited to seminars and talks(with other who's who) to share on her experience and empower women, gets featured in magazines and papers and finally looks every bit a head turner.

And I remembered thinking to myself.. "Wow! What would it be if I was her?" In my eyes, she seems to fulfill a person's idea of being successful. Then I wondered if I was successful.

In fact, how do you define whether someone is successful?

To a person with little education who yearns for education, a person with PhD or academic excellence will be one with success.

To a childless couple who wants children, any others with kids will be defined as successful.

To someone who has no career (or not much), will view someone with high paying jobs as one who is successful.

To someone who has never really been dating or have a loveless marriage, then obviously someone who has been lucky in love is successful.

To someone who lives in a small apartment, then someone living in a huge place is deem successful. 

To someone who has little money, then anyone who's rich (regardless it's old wealth or not) will be successful.

You get my drift. Basically, success to one is defined by what others have and they don't. In short, it's subjective, depressing and possibly over-rated. 

But the essence of it is, can one be successful still if the person doesn't love himself/herself? 

If you think about it, it's always easier to love others than to love oneself. To be kinder to someone else, to be more forgiving and highlight their efforts than ours. 

And hence, my challenge for myself  and possibly you reading is… Can you be successful loving yourself?

I'm not saying the world should be a more selfish place by putting oneself over others, but to be kinder to oneself.

I take baby steps in loving myself.. and some can be as bimbotic as it is… but hey, at least I'm being nice to myself.

One of the best things I learn from my kids is to see myself in their eyes. Like when I think I look like a piece of crap, Julian comes up to me and says I'm more beautiful than the girl on the magazine. On days when I feel lousy, Julian comes and sits beside me and want to spend time with me.. and ONLY me. On days when I am unsure if I'm getting this parenting thing right, my kids tell me that they won't want another mummy but me. 

Even if I am not defined as successful in the eyes of the world, my kids think otherwise and the irony is, sometimes they want to be like me! 

I suppose we can only appreciate success when we truly appreciate and love ourselves. With whatever you have, it's a success already. Go out and celebrate that… with a little love for yourself. :)

When You are Thomas the disciple

Taken from www.stawoodhaven.org 

I don't know if you feel the same, but to me, the twelve disciples who followed Christ were not just 12 different people but each was a character relating to me at a different phase in my life.

I had even been Judas before… Not that I 'betrayed' Jesus explicitly but I chose something else over Christ… and at one point thought I was not worthy of the goodness of God.

D and I have been discussing about finances, selling our place and renting a place near the boys' school for P1 registration etc. We also had some concerns about the hospital bills in case it escalates because of any pregnancy complication. (Well, as this time round my placenta is quite low and there's a risk that it would attach to the previous wound and in worse case scenario, the doctor would need to remove my womb in case of any excess bleeding). That conversation kinda left us a little down and stressed (okay and lousy). It was a conversation that confirmed our fears and uncertainties.

Interesting enough, yesterday's gospel reading at mass was on Thomas (John 20:24-29), okay if you forgot what the reading was just like what you forgot what you had for breakfast today, it was essentially him saying that unless he puts his fingers to Jesus' hands and place his hands on Jesus' sides, then would he believe that Jesus has resurrected. 

Thomas, who had the privilege to experience the goodness of Christ before, doubted that Christ had (or can be) resurrected. It's interesting that Jesus ended with "You believe because you can see. Happy are those who have not seen and yet believe". Peter was able to walk on water, yet when the wind blew, he started to fear and doubt.

Personally, it's not that I didn't believe that Christ was God. It was because I focused too much on my fears and worries. And even if you know that everything is going to be okay… you need faith to believe that to the end.

Faith to me is not just the absence of fear but the call to humility. 

I need to be humble to recognize that I am not in control, He is.

I need to be humble that my life isn't in my hands but His. 

I need to be humble to know that God has never left me no matter whether I hear His voice or not.

I need to be humble to know that I don't know everything and I don't need to. 

I need to be humble to know that He is God.

Picture from pinterest.com

Thomas, the apostle, probably learnt that lesson when he touched Christ's hands and side. That lesson had lasted him through his whole lifetime where he died a martyr. 

To be fair, even after a good night's rest, the worries we had yesterday still are here today. But the difference is, those aren't only my concerns anymore and because they aren't just my concerns, I have the privilege of leaving the worrying to Him and enjoy the moment of it. 

Hopefully reading this would sustain you through the week. :)

How do you discipline your kids?

We were having dinner with some of our friends and the topic of the disciplining of children came up. Some talked about spanking, while others talked about reasoning. Regardless, chances are there will be ONE parent who does the disciplining while the other uses that parent as a threat.

D is the fun-loving parent. He has the patience to play with them, to reason with them and to just have fun with them. The kids adore him and will choose to play with him over me ANY time.

But just because he plays with them doesn't mean that the kids listen to him when it is time for disciplining. Hence D's favorite line "I tell Mummy.." (In fact, that's everyone's favorite line)

D and I (mainly I) tried many ways of disciplining… From spanking to reward charts to reasoning to the ever famous naughty corners. There were a few times each worked, but there were times when the methods fell flat. 

Of course, when Audrey was in Cherrybrook Kindergarten, the tutor taught us some methods that we actually found more effective than others! So here's a write up on the reviews of the methods we tried:

1) Naughty Corner

D and I started the naughty corner with Audrey. Audrey knew how to count and initially when we started this, we would get Audrey to go to a corner and count to 10 before coming back.

M: Go to that corner and count to 10

(After Audrey finishes her counting, she comes back)

M: Are you ready to behave?

A: No

M: Okay fine. Go back there and count to 20

(Happily walks to a corner and counts. After so, she comes back and reports)

M: Are you ready to behave?

A: Yes

M: Are you now willing to listen to mummy and sit still? 

A: Yes (And she gives you the biggest smile ever and is more receptive on being disciplined)

The ever famous spot in our house...

You can say that it was easy but to even put her in the spot initially was hell… in fact, it was really painful to get all 3 of them to stay at the spot at first. You put them there, they move and run away from the corner. I lost count of how many times we had to carry them back to the spot. But they get the idea at one point. They can't win the parent (mummy in this case) and after a while, they just stay there until they have cooled down. 

The naughty corner works best when our kids throw a tantrum. (Do note that if they are tired, this is probably one method which will drain you out most. At such times, I hardly use this method or if I do, it will be for short periods) It makes them cool down and lets them realize that their tantrums won't get them anywhere.

2) Spanking 

All our kids have been spanked. But we draw the line on using the cane. While we both got caned by our parents and we are fine, D isn't comfortable with that. He believes that there are better methods than that. I listened to his stand and respected it. (He's their father regardless) We didn't know how we will discipline the kids subsequently, but we tried not to consider caning as an option.

However, we still spank them regardless. We do so mainly when they are stubborn or when they are disrespectful. 

3) Reward Chart

The ever popular stickers used...

We tried once… and only once. (and we didn't even finish it) To be fair, as much as it catches everyone's interest at first, sustaining it is another matter all together. That's our problem. It was hard work to keep track of their good behavior and giving them stickers for it everyday. 

But we also felt at one point, they were only behaving because they want to rewarded, not because they learnt the better thing to do.

What's worse is that this system depends heavily on their moods. If they felt like it, they behave and asked for their stickers, if they didn't, they still went back their old ways. Also, Audrey being the competitive one, always tried to have more stars on her chart than Isaac. After a while, D and I thought it wasn't exactly one of the best system and we discontinued it.

4) Asking "What" questions 

It is common that we always ask the children "Why", like "Why aren't you sharing your toys?" or "Why didn't you behave yourself".. etc. Audrey's tutor in Cherrybrooks taught us that asking why questions usually create a stumbling block. The children at one point, may not understand why they did so, and another they aren't sure what answer the adult is trying to get so that they will not be in trouble.

So we ask "What" questions instead.

Isaac was sitting on the sofa with his legs stretched out. Audrey wanted to sit at the edge of the sofa, however, Isaac was insistent not to let her do so, despite her asking nicely.

M: Isaac, can you move your legs and let her sit on the sofa?

I: No

M: What is stopping you from moving your legs?

I: (thought for a while) Nothing..

M: If nothing is stopping you, can you let her sit?

I: No

M: Okay. Is there anything I can do to help that?

I: No.

M: So is anything stopping you to move your legs again?

I: No

M: Can you now move your legs and let her sit?

I: Okay. 

Apparently, "What" questions make it less threatening. You may want to consider using that, this is one of the highly recommended methods!

5) Focus on what virtue can be practiced

A list of virtues that the school focuses on...

One of the reasons why I like Cherrybrook Kindergarten is their emphasis on virtues. Like some afternoons when Audrey sits and does her revision work with me, she does have her moments of procrastinating and gets distracted.

A: Mummy, I don't want to do already

M: Audrey, you are almost done. You just have half a page left. Can you practice some perseverance and self-discipline and finish it? After which, you can take a short break.

A: (thought for a while) okay…

So instead of saying to your child, "Don't be shy.", another way is to say "Let's practice the virtue of courage and friendliness and make some friends". My kids still need some encouragement here and there, but with consistency, they are getting there. Saying things like "Shy" or "Lazy" just highlights and gives them the reason to continue behaving the way they were, there was nothing (positive) for them to work on.

Whatever methods I use, I always end the discipline session with a hug and a kiss, reminding them that I love them a lot.

Discipling is a pain, but lack of discipline is worse. Do you have any methods that you use and don't mind sharing? Hope to hear stories from you too! 

Why can't you say "Sorry"?

D and I are blessed to have 3 (and counting) kids. As much as we teach them things to cope in life, it is also through them that we learn things that no one else could have taught us. The best thing about having 3 kids is with them comes different lessons, or at least same lesson, different times.

Yesterday was one such time. Audrey was playing chess with Grandpa and Julian was sitting quietly beside them. After a while, he must have felt bored and started to kick Audrey's water bottle. Grandpa saw it and told him that what he did wasn't nice and told him to apologize to Audrey. Julian refused. Grandpa, on the other hand, kept telling him (nicely) that he should since that was neither respecting his sister's things nor his sister. Julian kept quiet.

Audrey sensing that it's not getting anywhere (and didn't want the game to be interrupted) told grandpa "never mind, grandpa, no need. Now your turn to move." Grandpa tried a little while but because Audrey kept insisting, he let it go. Julian of course got away happily. I witnessed the whole episode and  had a conversation with him:

M: Julian, what is stopping you from saying sorry?

J: (thought for awhile) nothing

M: Okay, then can you say sorry to jie jie now?

J: No

M: Why not?

J: Because Jie Jie said no need

(Am I always stuck with smart alecs???)

Congratulations to me again! I got another kid who is allergic to the word Sorry. (Is it just me????) I remembered when Audrey was about 2, she was very rude to the helper then. I told her to apologize to the helper. She refused. I brought her into my room, closed the door, and talked to her. She stood her ground. She was not going to apologize. Unfortunately for her, I didn't budge either. (And please… she was not that calm… all these while, she was crying and throwing her tantrums) One hour passed, nothing. Two hours gone, still nothing. We were in the room for three hours! I was doing my work and she was sitting in one corner. I told her only when she is ready to talk, she can then come to me. Finally she gave up. After three hours (THANK YOU GOD!!!), she came over, and said that she wanted to talk. I asked her if she knew what she did was not nice. She said yes. Then I asked her if she could apologize to the helper. She said ok. (Why couldn't she say so earlier???) Since then, she had no problems saying sorry. (Suddenly, the three hours was worth it… )

With Isaac, God gave me a break. (How kind..) He was a sensitive and easy child. When he hurts someone, or does wrong to another, he would say sorry. (If your child is like this… YOU ARE DAMN LUCKY!) 

So here comes Julian. Is there a better way to teach him to apologize or should I just stick to what I did with Audrey? I know I may not have the best methods so I googled for answers. It's interesting that now most studies say that parents should not get their children to say sorry because chances are they don't mean it and say it just to appease the parents. By doing so, the children would learn to only say "insincere" apologies. (I obviously am not convinced by it, but since I'm always the harsher one, I decided to discuss with the Mr on it)

D didn't buy the arguments for it. In fact, he thinks we should get the child to say sorry regardless. I asked what about the insincere apology bit. He said, ever since when apologies are sincere. (Suddenly I am not so sure about the times when he said sorry to me…) In fact if anything, it teaches the child humility and authority. 

I reflected on what he said. Does everyone mean their apologies as adults? (Of course the argument is, because from young they learn "insincere apologies" now it will be insincere) 

Many times, people say sorry… and with their apologies, come with the word "but". I don't know if it's just me, but to me, when someone says "Sorry… , But…" it means they are not sorry. It's like saying my act was justified, so I still don't think I had wronged you. (What's your style of apologizing like? Whether it's to your spouse or whoever.. :)) 

D and I, well, we don't say sorry to each other if we cannot see how our act is wrong. But not seeing that the act is wrong is different from not seeing that the other person is hurt from the act. We learn from  Engaged Encounter to instead of saying sorry to each other, we ask for forgiveness instead. (Not easy ok… saying sorry is telling the person to accept it in his/her time, whether they like it or not. Asking for forgiveness is on the other hand saying that while my act could be right, it was not enough to make you feel bad.) Will talk more about it next time… :)

Insincere apologies aside, I need to also recognize and consider what my child is like. Audrey and Julian are children with a lot of ego and pride. (Wonder who they got that from…) They may recognize that their act was mean, but that's the most they will do. They will not apologize unless someone insists on that. Isaac on the other hand, is very loving and aware of that and he feels uncomfortable to see another person hurt because of him. (How come so different???) 

For my egoistic kids, I don't tell them to say sorry simply because of their act. I insist that they sorry because life doesn't revolve around them. They may not like what they do, but they need to do it still. Maybe for the first few times they will be resentful. But considering everything, if i let it go, they may never learn to be humble especially in front of people who matter most to them. From there would the lesson of remorse be learnt. (And please… They KNOW at 2 years old, their act is not nice and can hurt people… so before saying that they are still young and not know anything… They are that manipulative….)

For my sensitive child, I recognize that also for him, saying sorry could easily just be feeding another's ego. We also have to make sure that Isaac doesn't say it too often, that he gives in to everything and not have a stand. 

SO back to Julian. Would I dread spending Xhrs in a room with him until he recognizes he needs to apologize? OF COURSE. But until I can come up with an easier way, I still need him to learn the lesson of humility. The only thing i can assure him is I will go through the lesson with him… :)

But through it all, believe me, they are truly blessings. So thank you God, for blessing me with them. :)

 

Audrey's Savings Progress for Term 1

I am one who feels uncomfortable about rolling my credit card bills to the next month but I also know it's becoming a trend at least in Singapore. With the credit card culture, many spend their money even before it is earned, and the irony is, these are people who are earning quite a substantial amount.
The sad thing is, sometimes once you start snowballing the debts, it becomes an avalanche.

At the end of last year, I happened to come across this blog entry where this parent shared how she taught her children how save with their daily allowance.
http://www.mumseword.com/2014/01/pocket-money-allowance-primary-sch/

It's amazing how one small act like that can inspire and help many other parents who wanted to teach their child how to save. I for one bought the idea and since the beginning of school I shared on my Facebook that Audrey will be doing this to teach her too how to manage her money.

I modified the mummy's idea a little and this is what I do:

Audrey gets an allowance of $2 a day.
I put 10% ($0.20) in her tithings compartment and another 10%($0.20) in her savings compartment. (I want her to know she needs to save first before she can spend and not spending everything she has and save the remainder)
Because of our monthly expenses on the kids, house, groceries etc, most (if not all) of our income becomes the expenses for the month. While I do the monthly savings from my earnings, our output is definitely more than our savings, which makes us very uncomfortable.
I don't wish the kids to live their month to month like us, given a choice, and I would rather them have such a habit from day 1. Hence, I ask her to save (in other words, "pay" herself first before spending).

The next 10% ($0.20) she puts in the donation compartment.
She is then "free" to spend the remaining $1.60. She doesn't seem to have many things in school that excite her enough to want to buy other than sushi or noodles soup… So she either spends $0.20 (on sushi) or $0.80 (on noodles).
With the remaining money, she comes home to decide whether it goes into the savings or the donations compartment.

Audrey's savings so far...

On average, Audrey donates about $2.40/week to the church's Sunday's collection. She has so far saved $30.10 (as of today), not bad considering she went to school for about 35 days (excluding public holidays and days she were on medical leave).

I got her to use her savings for the more affordable and cheaper things she needs to use. E.g. Audrey tells me her pencils are all too short and needed new pencils. I told her that since she has some savings, she could use her money to buy new pencils for herself, of which she agreed.

I wanted her to learn a few things. That while mummy and daddy can provide, she needs to be independent to learn at times she can be responsible for her own things. Maybe, if it is bought from her own money, she would appreciate more? We can only hope. Subsequently, when she knows the value of things, we will then give her the option to decide whether she wants to spend $2 on 10 pencils or on 4. That would be another lesson to be taught… later.

I have to say, with her weekly savings, Audrey looks forward to going to mass every week. She is always excited during the offertory and proudly puts her money into the bag when the wardens come round each pew. In the past, we would give each kid $10 for donation in church… But now between the two… she rather her money.

I'm sure at one point, when Audrey grows up, she will get a chance to read this blog… somehow, somewhere. And if she gets to read this entry, I hope she knows that mummy is very proud of her. :)

Goodbye Grandma

Just probably 2 weeks back, Mama passed away.  She was 100 years old, and died of old age. (She's lived life to the fullest, and it's a happy thing, really. Don't need to be sorry reading about it)

(Photo taken from my cousin)

Mama is Chinese Peranakan, which makes me one as well. Unfortunately, since young, my Popo looked after me. So, i picked up Cantonese and not Malay, which means Mama and I had a language barrier. Typically our conversations would be limited from whatever English/Malay words we knew. (Her English was better than my Malay though)

When Popo passed away 16 years back, I remembered thanking God for giving me two sets of grandparents. So for whatever reasons I couldn't be a good grandchild to one grandparent, there's always another to make up for it. But… it was an ideal. For 16 years, Mama remained as distant to me as she was from the beginning.
Whatever we missed out with that one person, can't be made up with another.

But i did get a chance once to do something very grandchild like. Once when she was admitted to hospital, i would visit her everyday and bring her lunch to hospital, since she didn't really like the hospital food. :) That i remember she was a very sweet lady. Despite her sickness, whenever a nurse or doctor attended to her, she always says "Thank you" and gives her toothless grin.

I remembered Mama passed away on a Sunday afternoon, and I was trying explain to Audrey (My oldest) on her death. In fact, I thought i needed to 'shelter' her and cushion the effects or at least choose my words very carefully, in case she thinks death is a horrible thing… when it's actually the next phase of life. That said, I also didn't want to make it like an everyday affair till it numbs her.
I mean, we didn't have pets at home which died (only guppies and all… and they die quite frequently… but no one really sheds a tear when they do..) and I'm not about to go to youtube and show them a dying scene… so like how?
Anyway, this was our conversation:

Me: Audrey, remember every chinese new year, we always go and visit this very old lady?
A: Yes. You mean Ah Chor (Great grandma in hokkien i think)
M: (feeling stupid) yes, her. Mummy's grandma.
A: Ya. What about her?
M: Well, she's been very sick for some time, and today she passed away.
A: Oh you mean she died?
M: (feeling very stupid now) yes she did. Can you pray for her when we go mass later?
A: Sure. But what do we pray for?
M: (Alamak! she's got me! ok… Almost.) Well, we pray that God will now take care of her since she's with Him now.
A: Oh. Ok.

So much for sheltering her. Tsk.

The kids came for the wake on and off, but because it was during the school week and they sleep really early, we normally get them to come for awhile before sending them home, while the adults stayed on.

In fact, D and I had some disagreement on the funeral.
Mama's funeral was going to be on early morning CNY eve, which means technically the children had half day school celebrations. The kids were looking forward to it and D wanted them to go for the celebrations while I didn't.
His argument was that the kids didn't know what was happening anyway and Mama is dead, it didn't matter whether they were there or not. My stand was, regardless, Mama deserved to have everyone there as a sign of last respect.
We knew we couldn't reach to an agreement because well, we were both stubborn, and I wasn't about to budge. But we did agree that we ask a third party, in this case another priest who knows us pretty well, and whatever that priest said, we would listen and call it truce.
(Fortunately for me) the priest said funerals are a family affair, and all should be there, whether they know what's happening or not. In fact, this is the time to show them the next phase of life.
D accepted that and agreed to it. At that point, I was glad D and I were matured enough to come to an agreement in a cordial manner and not begrudge each other on that.

The kids went through the whole ceremony all the way to the crematorium. Being in the choir before, I sang some of the hymns for her funeral. (A loves my singing so much that she said she wants to sing like me… I laughed.) The kids saw me cry when mama's coffin was wheeled to be cremated. It was something foreign to them. They never saw that part of me. At one point they found it funny and even awkward. D encouraged them to comfort me, but I was too taken in by that moment, i didn't even know whether they did!

After the funeral, there's normally a pail of flower water (just flowers in water) for the family members to wash their hands and/or face to ward away any bad luck or something… We told the kids to do it, A unwittingly turned it down and said she didn't need to because her hands were clean… (That's Miss Smart Alec for you) We left it alone.

We asked the kids what they thought of the whole thing. Audrey said she saw many Rudolfs (Most people cry at the crematorium, and when they do, their nose becomes red). Isaac (no 2) couldn't understand why there were flowers in the water. Julian was sick and went home to rest, so he didn't join us subsequently.
To them it seemed more like an excursion than a life's lesson. Maybe it didn't make a difference to them witnessing the whole episode, but… the whole family was there to support me when I grieved for that moment. And because of that, I'm thankful.

And to my extended family and friends who came down even though it's nearing CNY and all… Thank you. Your presence was everything. :)

Our Journey for Lent

Lent. How do you explain Lent to children? Specifically 3, 5 and 7. It was even tough to explain to them death. (That's for another post)

It took me quite some time to figure what Lent would mean to child… because i realized, I too don't know what it means to me.

Not finding an excuse because I was a cradle catholic. It's just that i haven't truly owned what Lent (at this point) would mean to me. If i didn't know… why would my kids know or for that matter, want to know?

I went online to google on Lent and it's interesting that some people had defined it as a pagan practice since it seems like catholics go through a whole fasting and abstinence thing for 40 days just to 'atone for the non-christlike stuff we did', i.e. to do something in exchange for grace.
But grace.. just like love, shouldn't be conditional. It's a gift.
I don't tell my children, if you do this, i will love you more. I mean… I just love them. Period. And God just loves.
It is indeed disrespectful and rude to assume that just because God loves me, hence I can do whatever i deem fit.

So… what does Lent mean to me? If Lent is doing something that we hardly do in our lives, then for this Lent, let it be a season of giving thanks.
Giving thanks for the gift that God has given, and saying a prayer for him/her or even the matter.

With that in mind, I saw this idea from the internet on a Prayer Chain. Basically, you write down a list of things you want to pray for this Lent, and you tape them up in a chain. Every morning, you break each chain and say a prayer for that intention.
I changed it a little and I got the kids to write something that they are thankful for so far… and told them that they should say a prayer every morning on that subject matter. D fetches the kids to school and he probably could use that to talk to the children why they were thankful for that matter.

The idea was probably the EASIEST to come up… now sitting down with them to discuss something they are thankful for… zzz 
It made me think… were things provided for them so easily that they didn't realize that these things/people were blessings. To them… it seemed like they were a given. (I have to admit this made me feel a little uncomfortable… so now when they are given a certain privilege, i need to remind myself to highlight to them that it's a gift not a given.) Does anyone out there feel the same thing too???

After 1 hour, i glad the children were able to come up with things like "thank you for teacher ABC, she taught me to write!"or "thank you God for my godparents, they spend time with me!"
I'm most touched when they thanked God for their grandpa, my dad. He's a very quiet person who doesn't really get the chance to spend a lot of time with them. But they noticed that his leg had a cut recently (something that even i didn't know) and at times a little swollen (not because of his cut) and wanted to say a special prayer for him.

So here's the children's prayer chain hung on the back of the door. This starts on Monday since that's the time when D can talk to them about it while driving them to school… Why is Julian's so short… Because he had difficulties staying focused. And i thought 11 is not that bad a start.

What about you guys? What is Lent for you like?