Disciplining with Faith

In my social media posts, I tend to pick the happier pictures of the family... because
1. it's social media (and it's 90% fake news or at least it only shows a glimpse of what happens 10% of the day) and
2. who even has the mood to pose and take photos when things are bad *tsk*

One of our favorite activities together

Yet amidst the laughter, we have our struggles with our kids. The toughest part of parenting for me, isn't the pregnancy, recovery and breastfeeding (I speak from experience), sitting down and studying with them (it's still painful though), dealing with their tantrums in public (thank God for thick skin) or even dealing with the different styles of raising your kids with your spouse or in laws (no explanation needed). The worse for me is really when one needs to exert discernment in discipling.

You see, disciplining can result in many things... you can have really great outcomes where they listen to you (and we all live happily ever after), when they don't agree with you and defy you (and you don't know what goes on inside their minds) or when you are not even confident if you did the right thing even. So as you can see the majority of disciplining (for me) ends with something... negative, which means chances are after a disciplining session, I might
(a) lose my temper
(b) end up with at least 1 angry kid
(c) end up in tears at night wondering if I could have done things differently

Yesterday was one of the days when I was tested again. We had pledged $12 to a friend's kid's school fundraising campaign the day before which the mister had passed to Julian to place in the donation envelope, but the parents went home that night and told us that they only had the $2 and according to their daughter, Julz had taken $10 and kept it. Knowing how much he's fascinated by money, it is possible that it happened.

Last night, D was out for class and I was home alone with the kids. I asked Julz about the $10 and he told me that he had given to the girl that day and wasn't sure what happened to it subsequently.  After checking with my other kids, they all said the same version and he didn't play with it later. Since the $10 was missing in my house, it's obvious it had to be somewhere at home. Got everyone to look for it, but it was in vain.

I checked with my friend if his daughter could remember where she might last saw it, but no one could (sign that $10 nowadays isn't a big thing). My dear friends, would you trust your child or would you trust otherwise given the lack of evidence?

I made the painful decision of forfeiting $10 from Julz piggy bank. (Remember, this child of mine loves money). Julian cried, not because I asked him to bring down his piggy bank, but because I scolded him. I know this boy of mine isn't the best behaved kid amongst the 4 but when he is wrongly accused, that's his normal reaction. And my mother's instinct told me that (thankfully) he didn't take the money. But I wanted him to know that he needed to pay the price of not doing his job properly. Julian saves $2 each day because he doesn't believe in spending too much in school and he enjoys seeing his money grow, so $10 was probably a big thing for him. When he took the money out and passed me, my heart ached. I was holding back my tears and tried to look away so he won't see any trace of my eyes being wet.

The apology note he wrote

I explained to him that while it may not have been his fault entirely, it was because of his irresponsibility and oversight that got him into this. I think he understood it and a part of me was glad he could be detached enough to let go of his $10 for this.

We sat down that night and I got him to write a note too to the couple friends, because he was rude to them and since he was receptive, why not?
We ended with a hug and a kiss and said the night prayers with the rest of the other kids.

When the mister got home, he told me he would have waived the $10 but I disagreed. My argument is that, unlike God, we cannot be around all the time to get him out of situations like these. But we did agree to reimburse him on a later date on a separate occasion.

Everything seemed fine, but I went to bed with a heavy heart. If it was the right thing to do, why would my heart feel the ache? Parenting is never for the weak hearted and our views and decisions made can never be perfect, but as a catholic, the only consolation is I can always turn to the Perfect one who probably has tonnes of experience coping with disciplining... from afar.

A priest friend once told me that God has by far the greatest experience of dealing with children who defy and walk away from Him. He has also felt the greatest pain of sending His innocent child to die on the cross for the greatest sinner amongst us... (Think Hitler and whoever). But I suppose I'm luckier than Him since I can physically hug and kiss my child and remind him I still love him and not leave it to "faith".

You may not agree with how I handled it, and I don't claim to be an expert on disciplining kids even though I have 4 (and soon 5).

I shared before in my social media post that one of the blessings of having kids is the fact I'm seen more on bended knees before the cross, became more humble and more human. The best thing I could do last night was to go to bed, and pray that even if I didn't get the gift of wisdom, I hoped that my kids got the gift of understanding...

I hope God answered that. :)

Parenthood Resolutions for 2016

I had lunch with some girlfriends yesterday. Within the group, there were 2 pregnant ladies (In case you are wondering… it's not me) and 2 who were engaged. So naturally the topics we talked about mainly revolved around motherhood and marriage.

It was surreal talking to them because we are all the same age but I had the most number of kids (okay… but it's really quite hard to find someone who has the same number of kids at my age) and was married the longest. So suddenly, I was like the grandmaster in the group (My brief moment of pride :P)

That night, after putting the kids to bed, I sat and wondered what I would do differently since it was the start of the new year and before the year pass me by again, I thought, I shouldn't just let the regret build up.

1. Assure the second youngest child in the family
The kids don't sleep on their own unless the grandparents stay over. So usually, the older two sleeps with the dad while the younger two sleep with me. (Isn't it amazing that even when we don't sleep on the same bed, we still managed to have 4 kids??)

Julz holding on to my hand
during TV time...

There was a period when after Kyra was out, Julian was "forced" to learn to be independent and do what the older two do. I have to admit there was a period where he did have some insecurities and was feeling threatened by no. 4. But because I was so caught up with the newborn, I overlooked it. Just recently, I started my habit again of being beside him  just before he sleeps at night. I would just pump out my milk, pass it to the helper who will handle Kyra while I spend that few minutes with him, kissing him and talking to him for a short while before he sleeps.
On hindsight, I realized ever since I started doing that, he's been less disruptive and demanding. Just because he is a big brother to kyra, I often forget he is still only 4. Maybe it's because he's starting to act his age. Or maybe because we went back to quality time with him. Whatever it is, if spending 15 minutes a day at night would give me the chance to remind him I love him as much still, I will grab it.

2. Letting kids play with the simple things
Thanks to the move, I am forced to pack and unpack many things. It's unbelievable how just within a year, we can accumulate so many things. Amongst them… toys. Because they are the only grandchildren for both, when one gets a toy all get a toy too. (The problem is they are not sharing a toy) So for example, I have 3 lion heads because of Chinese New Year, X number of trucks, Y number of balls and the list goes on. Somehow, when we went forth to multiply, the toys also did too. (And no… we are not the ones who have been indulging them)
To be fair, they don't just love playing with play dough and lego, they really just love playing. For example, our sofa cushions contain feathers. Through the years, due to wear and tear, we get some feathers poking through the fabric and escaping. One day, both Isaac and Julian just took a loose feather each, threw it up and tried to catch it. It later progressed to them letting it go in front of the fan and catching it before it touches the ground. (I have to say that took some skill)
They spent quite some time entertaining themselves with it until it was time to bathe. I was proud that they discovered that game and was prouder to see them modifying the game. It could jolly well be a plastic bag, a tissue, cardboard box or even erasers. The amount of laughter and fun they got from it was no less than the toy they were given. The difference is one teaches them to find opportunities in ordinary things, the other just feeds their immediate impulse.

3. Take more photos
I may have a camera function in my phone, but I am really bad in taking photos of the kids. I always reckon that it really takes a lot of effort going after each kid and taking photos of all 4 kids. But I do recognize that, these growing up moments are best captured and framed in pictures. So I decided that since I do a lousy job taking pictures, I should let the kids do it for me. Hence, I probably go visit cash convertors and get three second hand cameras for the kids. D and I are planning to go Bangkok for a family trip this March (God bless us). And the kids will be allowed to take photos of the sights that excite them. We probably talk about their pictures before they sleep and save it into an album. (I just hope that they practice the value of responsibility and look after the cameras) But it may be fun… so why not? :)

4. Be more aware of my emotions when disciplining the kids
Compared to D, I am more short-fused. Unfortunately for the kids, I am also the disciplinarian. It took me 8 years and 4 kids (and age) to mellow down. Now when I am feeling frustrated with the kids, I'd always wondered how I look from the kids' perspective, or what emotions I might have manifested from the way they look and respond to me. I do worry and wonder if all they see D and I as the fun parent and the angry one.

Image from www.wsj.com

Just a few days ago, I asked Audrey whether she had any homework from school. In both times I asked, she said no. I left it alone and went ahead to do the packing of the house. My mother-in-law came and within minutes of checking, she found out that Audrey had some work to be done. I gave Audrey the death scare. I was angry at her for lying. She knew grandma was there and immediately went to her for refuge and cried. That made it worse. It didn't help that grandma was trying to come up with an excuse for her. I stood my ground, scolded her and told her to go up to my room with me. When she was finally up, she stopped crying. (What a great actress she is) I admitted to her that because of what she did, I was very upset with her then and she should quietly do her work while I cool down before I thought I could talk to her calmly. Within minutes, I felt better and was able to help her in her work. In between, she even shared about that day's school's performance. After her work is done, I had a word with her on being responsible with her work. She acknowledged she could do better and we ended the session with a hug and a kiss.

It is tough to be a poker player when it comes to your kids. But if they aren't a good enough reason to be a better person, then what is?

5. Carry them more
I've stopped carrying my first two because they are just way tooooo heavy for me. But with Kyra and Julian, I am glad that I still have the chance of lugging my koalas around. Very soon, they too with grow big and I won't be able to carry them anymore… But before that time comes, I too should really hold and hug them more in my arms.

6. Have more faith
The gospel last Sunday was about the wedding at Cana. In case, you aren't too sure what the reading is about, there was a wedding which Jesus and his mother attended. Unfortunately, the host ran out of wine and this was brought to Jesus' attention. He told the servants to then fill the jars with water. And when the servants took the water from the jars, it became wine. Better than the original wine which was served.
I'm not sure if anyone ever wondered what will happen to the servants if they had served water to the guests. The truth is, whatever they did, they acted because they had faith in Christ. (even if they didn't know he was christ, I mean that was his first miracle after all!)
It's reminders like these that I am ashamed at myself for not believing that regardless what situation, I have enough grace to go through it.

I have made my choice to work on these. I'm not sure if I will be able to succeed but at least working on it is a start. What about you? :)