Today would have been Philip's 4th birthday. Four years ago, before giving birth to Philip, I went to the adoration room in the Cathedral of the Good Shepherd since I was all nervous and anxious about the impending C-section, recovery and just having a newborn all over again.
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| My view just like 4 years ago |
It's been some time since I visited the adoration room at the Cathedral and I thought it would be nice to go there again to just sit down and be still.
As I sat and reflected, many questions came to my mind... "What would he look like now?", "What would he like?", "What would he like playing?" and the list goes on.
Yet the greatest fear that struck me was if he knew who I am. It's been four years and I would probably continue to miss him for the rest of my life.. but a selfish part started to wonder what if I was just a stranger to him?
I hadn't planned for him, but when I knew I was pregnant with him, I had plans for him... and in those plans lies hopes and wishes.
I would have wanted him to be a priest... not any other priest but one who is driven to make a difference.. to bring joy and hope to the ones he was called to shepherd (hence he was named after the patron saints of joy and hope - St Philip Neri and St. Jude)
And as I thought about the dreams I had for Philip, a tear rolled from my eye.
What is wrong with my plans for Philip, I wondered.
Why would God need to change my plans to replace them with His if there was nothing wrong with it?
I stumbled and I could not make sense of it and ironically in the safe place of the adoration room, I started to become angry with God.
I remained in the prayer room for a while longer and while I didn't get any answer to my question, I didn't leave the place resentful. But for the rest of the day, this question stuck with me.
We went for mass today as a family and invited Philip's god family over for his 'birthday celebrations'. (I know... my kids find it weird.. but in their love indulge me nonetheless).
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| A birthday cake with 4 candles |
After the party was over, the gentleness and wisdom of God came through.
Was anything wrong with my plans? Not at all.
So... why did God want to change my plan?
Because I saw it for the best for myself, while God saw it from Philip's.
Albeit being born healthy, God knew that Philip would be a very special child who probably was created for a short period on earth to enjoy the eternal reward in heaven.
For this special child, He needed a family who would embrace and comfort him, welcome and show him a glimpse of God here so that he might know Him when he dies.
Unfortunately, this plan for him would bring great misery and sorrow to the ones around him, but to that God has made sure that as long as I lean my heart towards Him, this would be bearable.
"Trust and seek Him in those times," the Holy Spirit tells me... and to the question of whether Philip would forget me, He whispers in my heart... "Never".
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| I know ALL these came from just 2 couples! |
