Yikes! Change is about to happen!

Just one more sleep and what I am used to for the past 3 years will all be changed. Like many, I'd always thought that since I've been through it so many times, everything would be under control and honestly this would be child's play for me. After all, the whole process remains the same - wake up early, go for breakfast, relax a little, check into hospital, prep for surgery and get heavily sedated and when I wake up in 1hrs time, I get myself a new baby. (Like honestly, how complicated can life be? *tsk*)

But strangely, I'm not sure if I can say I was most confident this time. It could be the fear for the post surgery recovery, because I know how painful it can be. Or maybe I was from 2 helpers to down with no helper at all until yesterday when the replacement helper came and hopefully the other one comes back later today (yes on the day when I deliver). It could be also because just a few days ago I was down with flu and am probably still struggling with a little stomach flu. Or it could be maybe from the anxiety that my youngest girl will no more be the baby of the family already and I'm pushing her to grow up to be a sister (yes I still get the guilty feeling even after so many kids!). Or that maybe the mister is down with flu STILL (and that's how I fall sick) and on the night before I deliver I'm spending some time alone doing my reflection, rather than a movie night and quiet time with the mister.

Yup... as you can see things haven't been going as planned. And the irony? This pregnancy is the one which I had prayed the hardest, go church more often and had a lot more people praying for me than the other pregnancies. Should I not have prayed? Could it be an easier and smoother journey? Shouldn't prayer help in easing one's fear? What went wrong?

Unfortunately, truth of the matter is, just because I prayed harder it didn't mean that I had the trump card of being God and get to do things according to my plan or my choice. The Evil one would use every opportunity to tell and tempt me to be angry with God and to stop praying cuz obviously it hasn't been providing much consolation or so it seems. The Holy Spirit on the other hand continues to ask me to be patient and tells me it's not about me but to be faithful and just say Yes to being loved and carried by God.

Back at Home...

Feeling so overwhelmed, I actually went to the adoration room after dinner yesterday and just sat in front of the Holy Eucharist to pour out all my anxieties and somehow started to cry. (hormones maybe) I didn't realize one can be so close to God and yet so fearful at the same time. But the best thing about crying is that God knows too that I've reached my limit and He will take over from here since there is no more resistance from me to try to be in control and stay in charge. The Evil one also knows that there's no point in trying to be around because the harder he tries to be funny, the harder I will pray and that's really not what he wants too.

God's peace comes after every storm and it strangely doesn't need to make any grand entrance. Truth be told, God was present throughout the whole pregnancy. Like how my helper situation could be a mess but at least He sent me a great replacement which seems to be able to hold the fort for the time being, plus my mum was around to help me here and there with the kids so I could rest and nurse my flu. I may not have gotten many things my way, but because of this, many have used this as a reason to pray and found inspiration to be close to Him. To help with post surgery recovery, He's blessed me with a masseur who is able to come right after my surgery to help me feel better faster. And because He knows I've been anxious, He's been getting many guardian angels to send me personal love messages and prayers along the way to cheer me up and encourage me.

And even though I pray that He could give me a miraculously painless birth, I forget that the more I look at myself, the more I forget that He is the same God that managed to feed thousands with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes, heal the blind and sick and even raise the dead... He IS so mighty and all I could do was just to limit Him to my fears and plans. If God had really been given the control of my life, how much greater can it be? The opposite of fear is not exactly courage, it's just stop saying No to God.

Trust me, it's not a bad feeling. And so I say to you.... Peace be with You. :)

Disciplining with Faith

In my social media posts, I tend to pick the happier pictures of the family... because
1. it's social media (and it's 90% fake news or at least it only shows a glimpse of what happens 10% of the day) and
2. who even has the mood to pose and take photos when things are bad *tsk*

One of our favorite activities together

Yet amidst the laughter, we have our struggles with our kids. The toughest part of parenting for me, isn't the pregnancy, recovery and breastfeeding (I speak from experience), sitting down and studying with them (it's still painful though), dealing with their tantrums in public (thank God for thick skin) or even dealing with the different styles of raising your kids with your spouse or in laws (no explanation needed). The worse for me is really when one needs to exert discernment in discipling.

You see, disciplining can result in many things... you can have really great outcomes where they listen to you (and we all live happily ever after), when they don't agree with you and defy you (and you don't know what goes on inside their minds) or when you are not even confident if you did the right thing even. So as you can see the majority of disciplining (for me) ends with something... negative, which means chances are after a disciplining session, I might
(a) lose my temper
(b) end up with at least 1 angry kid
(c) end up in tears at night wondering if I could have done things differently

Yesterday was one of the days when I was tested again. We had pledged $12 to a friend's kid's school fundraising campaign the day before which the mister had passed to Julian to place in the donation envelope, but the parents went home that night and told us that they only had the $2 and according to their daughter, Julz had taken $10 and kept it. Knowing how much he's fascinated by money, it is possible that it happened.

Last night, D was out for class and I was home alone with the kids. I asked Julz about the $10 and he told me that he had given to the girl that day and wasn't sure what happened to it subsequently.  After checking with my other kids, they all said the same version and he didn't play with it later. Since the $10 was missing in my house, it's obvious it had to be somewhere at home. Got everyone to look for it, but it was in vain.

I checked with my friend if his daughter could remember where she might last saw it, but no one could (sign that $10 nowadays isn't a big thing). My dear friends, would you trust your child or would you trust otherwise given the lack of evidence?

I made the painful decision of forfeiting $10 from Julz piggy bank. (Remember, this child of mine loves money). Julian cried, not because I asked him to bring down his piggy bank, but because I scolded him. I know this boy of mine isn't the best behaved kid amongst the 4 but when he is wrongly accused, that's his normal reaction. And my mother's instinct told me that (thankfully) he didn't take the money. But I wanted him to know that he needed to pay the price of not doing his job properly. Julian saves $2 each day because he doesn't believe in spending too much in school and he enjoys seeing his money grow, so $10 was probably a big thing for him. When he took the money out and passed me, my heart ached. I was holding back my tears and tried to look away so he won't see any trace of my eyes being wet.

The apology note he wrote

I explained to him that while it may not have been his fault entirely, it was because of his irresponsibility and oversight that got him into this. I think he understood it and a part of me was glad he could be detached enough to let go of his $10 for this.

We sat down that night and I got him to write a note too to the couple friends, because he was rude to them and since he was receptive, why not?
We ended with a hug and a kiss and said the night prayers with the rest of the other kids.

When the mister got home, he told me he would have waived the $10 but I disagreed. My argument is that, unlike God, we cannot be around all the time to get him out of situations like these. But we did agree to reimburse him on a later date on a separate occasion.

Everything seemed fine, but I went to bed with a heavy heart. If it was the right thing to do, why would my heart feel the ache? Parenting is never for the weak hearted and our views and decisions made can never be perfect, but as a catholic, the only consolation is I can always turn to the Perfect one who probably has tonnes of experience coping with disciplining... from afar.

A priest friend once told me that God has by far the greatest experience of dealing with children who defy and walk away from Him. He has also felt the greatest pain of sending His innocent child to die on the cross for the greatest sinner amongst us... (Think Hitler and whoever). But I suppose I'm luckier than Him since I can physically hug and kiss my child and remind him I still love him and not leave it to "faith".

You may not agree with how I handled it, and I don't claim to be an expert on disciplining kids even though I have 4 (and soon 5).

I shared before in my social media post that one of the blessings of having kids is the fact I'm seen more on bended knees before the cross, became more humble and more human. The best thing I could do last night was to go to bed, and pray that even if I didn't get the gift of wisdom, I hoped that my kids got the gift of understanding...

I hope God answered that. :)

When good kids do bad things...

Taken from instagrammer
@Maybemicha

No matter how hard we try, we can never shield and protect our kids enough. And even if we did succeed at home, that doesn't mean our kids will be in that bubble in school. We just pray and hope that what we have enforced at home is enough to guide them through their choices in school. From deciding on what they eat during breaks, what they spend their school money on and more importantly who they hang out with. (And chances are, as a parent, you might disagree with most of their choices they make... it's normal. :P)

We managed to transfer A to a "better" Catholic school at the beginning of Primary 3. On hindsight, I didn't realise that cliques have been formed since P1, especially in a girls school, and unless my child is a Ms. Popular, breaking into these groups, would be tough. 

She did make friends though, just that the closer ones are probably not the ideal ones, but we thought that as long as she has friends, we really should just close an eye on it. Unfortunately, halfway through the year, we got a call from her teacher saying that A was called into the principal's office because of her friend's mischief... and A had become an accomplice.

We never believed in using the cane in our household, but of course that day, the mister was very tempted to use it. I was shocked and besides getting upset with A for this, was even more disappointed that I was really nothing but a lousy mummy.

What had gone wrong? D and I have a great marriage, so it can't be the kids are insecure that their family will break up. We are not rich but we are not depriving them of any opportunities, so they won't be left out. We have our family time, and I do spend every afternoon preparing their meals and revising their work. But when something had happened, no matter what the parents had done, it is just... not enough. (and yes.... even good kids can do bad things too)

We did talk to her about her choices and our thoughts on it. She seemed to get it and we left it as that.

Unfortunately, A came home using vulgarities one day. It started with "What the..."(of which we would always tell her to mind her language) but very soon that became "F^&K". (Great... how did my baby grow into a teenager within nine months)

Truth be told, in many of my crossroads in parenting, I usually turn to google first for answers. "How to discipline my child for vulgarities" or "My ten-year old is swearing... help". I did find comfort that I'm not the only parent having this issue (yay????) but the unfortunate thing is most do not have an 'answer' or solution for you. (Some even tell you that since you can't help it, why not swear in front of them too? Like... seriously?)

Both D and I were stumped. We tried taking turns to talk to her, we tried taking away "privileges" and I even had to explain to her what the word was about. Still, not long after, she progressed to showing her middle finger. (Kill me now...) All these time, praying to God to help me through this amongst the other hurdles of motherhood.

The message advert I got!

Finally, I think God pitied me and I received an sms from a mummy whose boy was in the same kindergarten as A. It was about a programme for girls who are aged 9-12 to meet once a week for an activity either like craft, culinary, sport or even community projects to the old folks home. It was initiated some time ago by a group of mothers who thought that they had wanted to come together with activities that could focus on virtues and values rather than societal norms. (God bless these mothers) They have one for older girls and another programme for boys only. If you are a catholic, you would be happy to know that every two weeks, a priest will be there to hear confession. 

IF you know me, I am one who plans the kids activities due to convenience and this was really out of my comfort zone since it's near Pasir Panjang, where NUS is. But because I really thought this may be good for A, I decided to go for this. 

I dropped her a few weeks back for the first session and stayed outside with some parents for some impromptu fellowship. When the session was over,  I was curious to find out how she found it. She actually loved it and didn't mind to go more! (In case you are wondering it's $10/session or $150/half a year just to cover cost). I personally felt that was my best find of the year, and I was really grateful that after praying for so long, I managed to find some sort of relief and answer.

The upcoming activity they will be doing! 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say that this programme is the solution. A's behaviour is an ongoing test on my patience and possibly my reason to why I may go to heaven, but in the midst of my struggles and helplessness, God never left me, He just waited for me to be less anxious and humbler in my invitation to ask Him what to do.

So now, if you asked me, as a parent, what do we do when our kids keep doing something bad. Again, my answer isn't perfect but if there's one thing I have learnt is that during those months of us trying to discipline her for her "shortfalls", I only highlighted the negatives. Truth be told, any kid with some form of intellect, would know what is right and what is wrong. So me emphasising that is really pointless, though we do maintain that one of the rules in the house is no vulgarities.
However, on hindsight, I realised that instead of breathing down her neck on how she should behave, what values she was lacking on, 'punishing and disciplining' her on her misbehaviour, a better way was to highlight OTHER possibilities of how girls can behave well, how other people interact, what girls her age can do, how girls can carry themselves and possibly what kind of friends she could find.

This entry may also not be the solution you as a parent are looking for, but I hope you realise.. the secret ingredient in whatever solution you have is love... :) 

Are You Feeling Lonely, Mummy?

I don't regret having children. I feel immensely blessed that God would trust them with me, and if something were to happen to them, it will probably just kill me.

So yes, without a doubt, I love them. I may not act crazy over them all the time, but they are my everything. Yet, with this amount of love for them, it does not stop me from feeling that being a parent is a lonely, if not the loneliest, job ever. (Don't ask me how can this even be possible when I have four kids) 

Image taken from figuresandfabulous.com

Many people would warn you about how being parents would change your life, but no one really tells you how lonely you will be as one.

Even if your partner is present, even if you get to sleep till 9a.m. or have a nap in the afternoons, even if you have a whole village to help look after your kids, even if you get time off to meet your friends, even if you can go for a holiday without the kids, you will still be lonely. 

Whenever parents meet, somehow, the topic of the kids will come up. We will relate to each other how we are struggling with our kids, our frustrations we go through each day with the kids or even how we can cope better. And 99.99% we can see us in each other.
When we get so frustrated studying with our kids, the times when we cannot stand our kids because of their attitude, the times when we have power struggles with the in-laws, the times when we are lost and don't know what to do… we had either cried over it or just sleep on it because we are too tired. 

But even when we can relate with each other, come the very next day, nothing has changed.

Most of us will have and can have the same struggles. But just because everyone has it doesn't mean it will bring us any form of comfort..

Often when all is quiet and I feel I'm all alone and thinking about the whole (usually bad)  day can make me cry, I'm reminded of how loneliness is probably God's cry for time with me. 

And all I just need to say is… nothing. No need to justify, no need to even start saying what or how things go bad. When I don't need to try to be strong and be okay. 

So from a lonely mummy to another…. know this: one of the gifts of parenthood is loneliness, whether you like it or not. But loneliness isn't bad and it does get better, when you allow God in to fill you... at least his love will. :) 

Perfect Parenting isn't being Perfect

Over the weekend, I did a crash course with Audrey on Science to prepare her for her class test for Monday. (If you'd ever sat down and revised with your kid and they survived, give yourself one pat on your back. If you survived, give yourself two!)

Truth be told, these are the moments when I am not particularly proud of myself. Sure, we got the topics covered (well sort of) and we finished our test papers and assessment books, but through it all, there were moments of frustration and impatience on my part. And for these, I felt like a lousy parent. It's a constant struggle, to be kind with the method of teaching and to be pushing the child to reach her full potential.

Maybe she already is at her full potential, and I was just trying to push her to reach "perfection".

I was reminded on Sunday that in our world, perfection was never without being compassionate and merciful. In short, it is never forgiving. And that was me during that weekend.
I tried many ways to stop that. I even tried eating a snack so that my mouth would get too distracted from scolding, but I still caved. Pushing for that perfect score seemed to be more important at times. I get more stressed when I find she actually has not mastered what was taught in school.

I'm as unkind to her as much as the world is towards parents, or in this case, mothers.
Psychology studies, people with no children and your parents even, will simply focus on what they think is lacking on your parenting skills. In fact, it almost seems that anybody but the parent will make a better parent.
Social media doesn't help. If you want to be more unsure of your parenting, check out your own Facebook feed. It's normal for people to post something they are proud of and I'm not saying it's not right. I'm saying those moments that people generally post, don't happen all the time. Sometimes, it's not  even real.

That glimpse of "perfection" I post online of my kids and all is just that 'right' second when it was captured. It doesn't show the struggles to capture it.

Not everything is
picture perfect

For example, I normally post many family wefies. What it shows is that we are all having fun and everyone is cooperative and basically everything is ok. There was one shot I had captured a few minutes before the one we settled for had Julian crying. He was disciplined because he could not get his way earlier and was throwing a tantrum.
Did I post the crying picture? Of course not.

There are times when I shared with my friends that at least once a month, we try to go to the hawker centre to let the children experience some local fare, understand how the same dish could cost different in different places and even get them to order and carry their food to the table. Sounds like a brilliant idea to bringing up less entitled kids? Maybe. Some friends would commend us for letting the kids do that. (Okay… I have to admit… that makes me feel good) But what I never shared with was the initial sulking from the kids, the constant exchange of duties between D and I to feed the kids or to carry Kyra. I'm not sure if we actually had a "family" meal, even though we were all at the table actually… But yes, it's not perfect.

And even when this ex school teacher sits and studies with her kids for their exams, they don't get top grades, or end up in the best class or get bursary or scholarship awards.
Or when I see friends who have no helpers, yet so independently manage their households with so much orderliness and pride while comparing to the everyday struggles I have managing mine with extra help, that sucks.

What about the 1001 studies and comments about how it's terrible to expose the kids to the iPad and TV? Trust me, I'd probably be the first parent to be hung because of that.
My kids have injured themselves under my watch, they have defied me before, they have been terrified when I disciplined them before, they have argued and fought before in front of me, they have had moments when they are scared and I wasn't there, they have even been lost before. Many people would have many reasons to condemn me as a mummy because I basically have failed many times.

D once commented that the hardest thing about being a parent is that you can't be the child. I forget that my kids do not need a prefect mum to achieve their perfect grades, but they do need a supportive mum who is interested in their lives. Everyday I remind myself that the teachers in school are capable of pointing out their mistakes. I am still learning to just sit beside them, egg them on to complete their work and if it's wrong, ask them to check it again and let it go if she thinks if it's right. She will learn the right answer and how to deal with it when she gets her assignment back.

Sunday's gospel from Matthew 5:48 on to "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" reminded me not to be God, but to be with Him and to let Him be with me.
I'm not perfect and I don't need to be perfect. I just need to try my best.
They will be fine. I will be too.

Image saved from dumpaday.com

In my time, Mummy

Kids grow up so fast they say. (It doesn't feel that way when they misbehave or they wake you up in the middle of the night.. somehow you wish they grow up faster) But when all is calm and when you start to think back through the years, somehow, they are right. 

Isaac's graduation class photo

Even though Isaac is only six… but within that time, he's gone from crawling to running, babbling to reading and just last week, he's graduated from his kindergarten. (Yay to cheaper school fees but OMG to he's going Primary School???) 

I remembered just March last year, I actually broke down halfway through dinner with D as I felt Isaac was struggling with his learning. (In case you missed the posting, you can read it again here: http://chellelifestory.blogspot.sg/2015/03/when-tiger-mum-learns-to-just-be-mum.html) 

I was worried that he will not be able to cope in school, that he might be left behind and that he won't be able to succeed in future. (Though at that time I didn't have a benchmark or an idea as to what success would mean for a kid…) BUT because he could not remember  what was taught 5 seconds ago, or he could not recognize his alphabets then, I freaked out. It didn't help in my paranoia that at that time other kids around his age were doing much better and some friends suggested that he might need medical intervention. 

I remembered feeling helpless and just breaking down in front of D thinking that just because Isaac might not succeed, I had failed. (Mothers can be so hard on themselves)

I mean, besides smiling and charming people around him, he couldn't read and didn't talk much, besides knowing how many robots there are in transformers, he  didn't have any number sense and could not do simple addition. In short, even as a mother, I saw what he couldn't do more than celebrated what he could do. 

And while people with good intentions will tell you that exams are overrated and there's more to life than school exams, no one would be able to feel the anxiety more than the parents. (Because hello, most professionals come from the same few leading schools) At some point, I got frustrated with myself. On one hand, I really wanted them to enjoy their childhood, but on the other hand, I can't help but compare with their peers on where they stand. I found I was struggling because I didn't know what I actually valued in parenting. 

At least in Singapore, the hallmarks of the child's life are punctuated with the different exam points in their school life. The highlight for a 10 year old is the streaming exams, for a 12 year old the PSLE, the 14 year old the selection process of subjects for O levels, the 16 year old the O levels, the 18 year old the A levels etc. And so, for parents somehow, we use this benchmark to decide how we have also fared in parenthood. If the kids achieve good results, it would indirectly translate that we have done well in our parenting styles, at least in the eyes of many others.

But I personally have never been really successful in the education system. I mean, sure I didn't fall through the cracks of the system, but I didn't achieve top scores. Not many people know this but I actually got D7 for my GP in my AO levels. SO yes… I didn't have a full A levels certificate and if you did get it, you are already one up above me.

Image from auto.howstuffworks.com

But only when we take a step back, we also know that exams results don't guarantee health, happiness and love. I remembered a few months ago, Isaac read out a bible passage on the screen and I was pleasantly surprised. Even if the words weren't difficult, I cheered because he could read. There were times when he surprised me too with his logic. Like recently, while D was driving, he asked D if he could drive faster. "How much faster?" D asked. Isaac took a look at the speedometer and said "220km/hr." D laughed and explained that's not possible. "Of course it's possible papa, if not why would they put it there?" Isaac innocently asked. 

Moments when he looked out for his younger siblings or when he so willingly give up his things for them warms my heart more than what he got for his spelling tests.

I asked D what he thought success was and he told me that the moment when he can do something without worrying what other people thought of him would be the time when he is successful. (Wherever does he get his wisdom from???) I agree.

I still find myself struggling and on that account, Isaac has done way better than me. Of course he loves to be praised and complimented, but even if it looks silly, he is far more courageous to try it than me, or my 'smarter' kids.

Such things may not be recognized in a school test, but he will be fine in life. And I should learn to be too. 

When Chocolates Become a Lesson on Money

We got an email from Audrey's school yesterday telling us that her form teacher would be leaving and another teacher would be taking over the class.

On the way out for dinner, we discussed with Audrey how it would be nice to give her teacher a small present to wish her all the best in her future endeavors. Audrey agreed and thought she should get chocolates.

And who doesn't like Lindt? 

After dinner, we went to the chocolate section in the supermarket and she zoomed in to something that she thought was nice and would make a great gift. (See the picture on the right)

We agreed that it was and told her that since it was her teacher, we would be loaning her the amount and she could repay us everyday from her pocket money. Audrey was stunned. She immediately went back to check the price of the chocolates and put it back on the shelf. 

She then went through the whole chocolate section only this time she looked not just at the packaging but at the price as well. D and I smiled at each other. He of course quipped that at least she didn't pick up the $1.20 ones… but truth be told she saw a kit-kat at $0.70 and wanted to get it for the teacher which I of course told her she could get it only if she appreciates her teacher that much.. Fortunately, she put that back as well.

So here's the second choice. 

It's not too bad, but we told her, the price should not be the only factor when deciding on a gift. We got her to imagine herself as a recipient and to choose something that she actually enjoys and she would like the other person to enjoy that too. (To be fair, Audrey hasn't really eaten Dairy Milk chocolates before… I'm not sure why…) 

She put the chocolates back and went on looking for something she was okay with the price and something she knows she would like. (All this happen of course with the two younger boys running around the supermarket going crazy and asking us if their sister could buy them chocolates… *rolls eyes*)

Finally, she decided on something she liked and even gave some thought as to why she thought her teacher might like it.

Not too bad right????

There were three flavors - Cookies and cream, Milk chocolate with almonds and Milk chocolate. We asked her which we should get for her teacher, and she chose the plain milk chocolate since there is "more chocolate and who doesn't like more chocolate". 

In case you thought that this decision process is completed, it hasn't. She said she needed a card to give as well. We gave her two choices. One was to buy a card from the bookshop which would be another $4 or so or she could go home and make a nice one for the teacher. Without thinking, she said she will go back and make it. (D and I laughed at her decision)

On the way home, we discussed with how much would she be paying D everyday for the loan. Her pocket money is $2/day, of which $0.20 is put in her savings and another $0.20 is set aside for church offerings on Sundays, so which means she is left with $1.60. We worked on $0.40, $0.80 and $1.00. But D was a little concern if we got her to return $1/day she would not have enough to spend in school.  So we told her not to push it and choose something she was okay to part with. (Of course the boys overheard and told her to pay mummy and not daddy… HAHAHA. I am also not sure why?!?)

After doing her card and packing her bag, she agreed that she would pay $0.40 a day and worked out a repayment schedule with me. 

So every morning, when daddy fetches her to school, she will give him $0.40 and it was her responsibility to give it and not to be asked, which she agreed.

That night, we knew she must have felt the pinch when she actually had to pay for something from her own pocket and we reminded her that before she so decides to ask her grandparents for something she fancies in future to think if it was really necessary. 

After the kids had gone to bed at night, I began to reflect if I had actually taught my kids on the concept of money. Both D and I have never really involved them in our financial decisions to be honest. Something simple like when we host a dinner or even plan a holiday, the kids do not sit with us to discuss why we had paid a certain amount on our choices. Yet, these decisions, as simple and natural as we think, are never common to kids, which just means those decisions that were 5 seconds long in the past may become 5 minutes in future… but if that would make them more aware about money, that's a good investment isn't it? :)

Our Drama-mama Family Holiday

Unless you are on our Facebook accounts, you may not know that we had just finished our family trip. It was after all the March holidays and D and I thought that it was nice to organize a trip to somewhere nearby with some friends.
We planned where to stay to accommodate all 6 of us, what to do each day (will blog about that next), how to get around (I got a driver to bring us around), what snacks to bring and even got 2 different haversacks for D and I to lug all their stuff rather than the usual baby bag. (I personally prefer that as my shoulder would normally be aching after slinging the bag for too long)
But since I was never into the minute details, the trip would still have hiccups…

Hiccup 1: Isaac's passport was expired
The first hiccup that happened was well… the reason why I can never be working in the army to check if a parachute is alright to use.
Isaac's passport had expired for close to 6 months and we only found that out on the way to the airport. With an expired passport, there was no way the immigrations would let us through. We checked with the immigration staff at the airport and to be fair, they did tell us that because we were Singaporeans they could allow us through but they were not sure if the Thai authorities would do the same. Our next best hope was to go to ICA to get a temporary passport.
As if that was not the only hurdle, all flights to BKK were fully booked with the exception of the business class flight at 4pm. Our flight was at 1pm and when we managed to figure what to do, it was close to 12pm.
We did consider leaving Isaac in Singapore but seeing how disappointed he was, we thought that that was not going to be an option. And so, D took Isaac with him to ICA while I had to check in with the rest of the troop… Julian was being a pain as he wanted to be with the boys (which was not an option). He was wailing and just being difficult. The scolding and spanking just made matters worse. Finally, I gave up, I told him I needed his help since daddy needed to bring Isaac to get his passport done if not they won't be able to join us. In short, he was the only "guy" in the group and he had to take care of the girls. Seeing how upset Julian was, Audrey took on the role of the big sister and consoled him with the fact that D and Isaac would definitely meet us there.

Julian finished his meal
and mine… by himself!

Julian was miraculously armed with a sense of responsibility. He helped look out for Kyra and even fed himself on the plane.
Within 3 hours, we were at BKK. God was very kind to me. For half of the trip, he made Julian fall into a deep sleep, and he only woke up during meal times. When we reached Julian was rearing to go… his sense of responsibility had started to wear off and his horns were appearing on his head. Fortunately, I had some friends with us who could help us with the luggage.

Back in Singapore, D had gotten Isaac's temporary passport (it was $75 in case you are wondering) within 2 hours and had rushed back to the airport to get another flight to Bangkok. He tried all the different carriers but his only option was the 4pm business flight. By then, the whole ticketing team had known of our plight. The ground crew was kind and had waived all other charges but that would still set us back $1800 for the both of them. His other option was to wait till 3.15pm to see if there was any empty seats. The only problem was gates were closed at 3.20pm. At 3pm he was waiting for a sign but obviously there wasn't any so he was ready to pay the $1800 for the ONLY flight to BKK. The lady at the counter did one last check and lo and behold, she managed to get two seats for them at economy class. D was ready to pay for the seats but out of good will, SIA waived it off completely… and so off they went to the gates.

By 8pm, we were together again. My friend who heard of the drama asked if all was good that night. We were together as a family sleeping in the same room… what else could be worse?

Hiccup 2: We lost Julian
Yes, you read correctly, we lost Julian in Siam paragon. It was the third day of the trip. We had planned to go to Kidzania to let the kids enjoy themselves. They were looking forward to playing doctor and firemen and the adults were just looking forward to chill. We were traveling with 2 other families and amongst us, we had 8 children. I was busy nursing Kyra and happily assumed that Julian was with D. It was only when we were paying for the entrance tickets (that was at least a good 15 minutes) that I realized Julian was missing. I quickly checked with D where Julian was. He had no idea. The adults in the group suddenly realized we had a huge problem.
The other two mothers looked after the other kids while D ran down each floor to see if he had wandered off on his own. I was pleading the staff at Kidzania to allow me to go into the premise in case Julian had sneaked in, but they won't. I had tears rolling down my eyes. Fear and regret sank in. I was lost and I could only hope that my boy is fine. All I could think about was he must be crying and screaming for us...
After 5 minutes, D called. He had found Julian. He was at the first floor with the security. He did not go into the lift with us. When Julian saw daddy, he immediately burst out crying. D carried him back. D and I both apologized to Julian for losing him.
D heard that I had cried, and after the kids had settled, gave me a kiss and told me everything was going to be okay…

After hiccup 2, every single other incident that happened became a non-issue.
Prior to this trip, we had taken many things for granted.
We had known ICA to be efficient and that's a gift, not a right.
We had known SIA to be one of the best carriers and that was coupled with compassion, not just profit driven.
And through it all, we cannot help but recognize that God's grace has been always there with us and while I know we have always been blessed, I cannot be more grateful for the second chances He gives.

Parenthood Resolutions for 2016

I had lunch with some girlfriends yesterday. Within the group, there were 2 pregnant ladies (In case you are wondering… it's not me) and 2 who were engaged. So naturally the topics we talked about mainly revolved around motherhood and marriage.

It was surreal talking to them because we are all the same age but I had the most number of kids (okay… but it's really quite hard to find someone who has the same number of kids at my age) and was married the longest. So suddenly, I was like the grandmaster in the group (My brief moment of pride :P)

That night, after putting the kids to bed, I sat and wondered what I would do differently since it was the start of the new year and before the year pass me by again, I thought, I shouldn't just let the regret build up.

1. Assure the second youngest child in the family
The kids don't sleep on their own unless the grandparents stay over. So usually, the older two sleeps with the dad while the younger two sleep with me. (Isn't it amazing that even when we don't sleep on the same bed, we still managed to have 4 kids??)

Julz holding on to my hand
during TV time...

There was a period when after Kyra was out, Julian was "forced" to learn to be independent and do what the older two do. I have to admit there was a period where he did have some insecurities and was feeling threatened by no. 4. But because I was so caught up with the newborn, I overlooked it. Just recently, I started my habit again of being beside him  just before he sleeps at night. I would just pump out my milk, pass it to the helper who will handle Kyra while I spend that few minutes with him, kissing him and talking to him for a short while before he sleeps.
On hindsight, I realized ever since I started doing that, he's been less disruptive and demanding. Just because he is a big brother to kyra, I often forget he is still only 4. Maybe it's because he's starting to act his age. Or maybe because we went back to quality time with him. Whatever it is, if spending 15 minutes a day at night would give me the chance to remind him I love him as much still, I will grab it.

2. Letting kids play with the simple things
Thanks to the move, I am forced to pack and unpack many things. It's unbelievable how just within a year, we can accumulate so many things. Amongst them… toys. Because they are the only grandchildren for both, when one gets a toy all get a toy too. (The problem is they are not sharing a toy) So for example, I have 3 lion heads because of Chinese New Year, X number of trucks, Y number of balls and the list goes on. Somehow, when we went forth to multiply, the toys also did too. (And no… we are not the ones who have been indulging them)
To be fair, they don't just love playing with play dough and lego, they really just love playing. For example, our sofa cushions contain feathers. Through the years, due to wear and tear, we get some feathers poking through the fabric and escaping. One day, both Isaac and Julian just took a loose feather each, threw it up and tried to catch it. It later progressed to them letting it go in front of the fan and catching it before it touches the ground. (I have to say that took some skill)
They spent quite some time entertaining themselves with it until it was time to bathe. I was proud that they discovered that game and was prouder to see them modifying the game. It could jolly well be a plastic bag, a tissue, cardboard box or even erasers. The amount of laughter and fun they got from it was no less than the toy they were given. The difference is one teaches them to find opportunities in ordinary things, the other just feeds their immediate impulse.

3. Take more photos
I may have a camera function in my phone, but I am really bad in taking photos of the kids. I always reckon that it really takes a lot of effort going after each kid and taking photos of all 4 kids. But I do recognize that, these growing up moments are best captured and framed in pictures. So I decided that since I do a lousy job taking pictures, I should let the kids do it for me. Hence, I probably go visit cash convertors and get three second hand cameras for the kids. D and I are planning to go Bangkok for a family trip this March (God bless us). And the kids will be allowed to take photos of the sights that excite them. We probably talk about their pictures before they sleep and save it into an album. (I just hope that they practice the value of responsibility and look after the cameras) But it may be fun… so why not? :)

4. Be more aware of my emotions when disciplining the kids
Compared to D, I am more short-fused. Unfortunately for the kids, I am also the disciplinarian. It took me 8 years and 4 kids (and age) to mellow down. Now when I am feeling frustrated with the kids, I'd always wondered how I look from the kids' perspective, or what emotions I might have manifested from the way they look and respond to me. I do worry and wonder if all they see D and I as the fun parent and the angry one.

Image from www.wsj.com

Just a few days ago, I asked Audrey whether she had any homework from school. In both times I asked, she said no. I left it alone and went ahead to do the packing of the house. My mother-in-law came and within minutes of checking, she found out that Audrey had some work to be done. I gave Audrey the death scare. I was angry at her for lying. She knew grandma was there and immediately went to her for refuge and cried. That made it worse. It didn't help that grandma was trying to come up with an excuse for her. I stood my ground, scolded her and told her to go up to my room with me. When she was finally up, she stopped crying. (What a great actress she is) I admitted to her that because of what she did, I was very upset with her then and she should quietly do her work while I cool down before I thought I could talk to her calmly. Within minutes, I felt better and was able to help her in her work. In between, she even shared about that day's school's performance. After her work is done, I had a word with her on being responsible with her work. She acknowledged she could do better and we ended the session with a hug and a kiss.

It is tough to be a poker player when it comes to your kids. But if they aren't a good enough reason to be a better person, then what is?

5. Carry them more
I've stopped carrying my first two because they are just way tooooo heavy for me. But with Kyra and Julian, I am glad that I still have the chance of lugging my koalas around. Very soon, they too with grow big and I won't be able to carry them anymore… But before that time comes, I too should really hold and hug them more in my arms.

6. Have more faith
The gospel last Sunday was about the wedding at Cana. In case, you aren't too sure what the reading is about, there was a wedding which Jesus and his mother attended. Unfortunately, the host ran out of wine and this was brought to Jesus' attention. He told the servants to then fill the jars with water. And when the servants took the water from the jars, it became wine. Better than the original wine which was served.
I'm not sure if anyone ever wondered what will happen to the servants if they had served water to the guests. The truth is, whatever they did, they acted because they had faith in Christ. (even if they didn't know he was christ, I mean that was his first miracle after all!)
It's reminders like these that I am ashamed at myself for not believing that regardless what situation, I have enough grace to go through it.

I have made my choice to work on these. I'm not sure if I will be able to succeed but at least working on it is a start. What about you? :)

Growing as a Parent

Heaven is a place called home.. (image from
www.billingualmonkeys.com)

Every time when I meet with friends, they are all amazed that I am surviving with four kids. I don't regret having them and I always tell my friends that until you have them, you will truly understand the immense joy they bring. Truth be told, even with four kids, I still get tested, feel helpless, and yes, motherhood makes me feel lousy at times.

Just a couple of months back, while playing with each other, Audrey kicked Julian in the balls. Julian's privates swelled up a great deal and he was crying and screaming. I spent the next few hours bringing him around the clinics to make sure all is good. (As a general rule, apparently as long as it isn't painful when you press and peeing isn't a problem, it should be okay)

I took Audrey and Julian out from school the next day and wanted them spend some time together and hopefully maybe talk to them about being nicer to each other. I planned for Slappy Pancakes that morning and thought the kids would have enjoyed themselves making breakfast together.
However, I should have known, there's no such thing as "go as planned" with kids. Before we could leave the house, the two argued because one didn't share a piece of paper with the other.

Throughout the whole journey there, I had to spend the time discussing with them about their actions. While Audrey was okay, it didn't sit well with Julian. When we got out of the car, Julian was throwing a tantrum. He was screaming and shouting and didn't want to join us at the table. He wanted us to leave. Fortunately, that day I was given enough grace to be cool about it and sat at the table with Audrey ordering our ingredients. Julian was still sulking at the corner and once in a while, he would be shouting things like "I don't like mummy anymore", or "Mummy is stupid" (Honestly, if he was not my kid, I would have smacked him upside down) Through it all, I would invite him still to come and join us when he is ready, however he still chose not to. (I should be given sainthood for this)

Sitting and sulking in a corner...

And because there was no reaction from me, at one point, Julian took out his slippers and threw at me. We had a table beside us, and the little girl told her mummy, "mummy, he actually threw his slippers at them" Honestly, if I was there alone with him, I would have left the restaurant half way and we would have been on the way home. However, I saw my first born enjoying herself and I felt it was not fair to deprive her of such joy because of him and chose to focus on her and pretended to enjoy myself.
Deep down I was dreading each minute. I felt embarrassed and thought in the eyes of the others, I must have been the world's greatest failure. I would have cried but I knew I couldn't.

After awhile, Julian finally either got hungry or got tired and asked me to go to the corner to bring him to the table. (Finally, God took pity on me) When I started to talk to him about his behavior, he clamped up and refused to listen to me. Finally, I admitted to him that I was feeling hurt by his actions. With that, it suddenly sounded foreign to him and he seemed to realize something.

Pancakes have never
tasted so sweet..

My mother's instinct told me that what was said was enough and we just continued making the pancakes. I thought that the initial lesson of teaching them to be more loving towards each other isn't going to happen today especially when we just ended a trying session. I left the table to get some water and when I returned I was amazed that my daughter was feeding Julian pancakes. They were laughing and they just enjoyed the moment. And for that moment, they were loving.

On hindsight, if I had acted on my emotions and left the restaurant, I would probably have robbed them this chance of enjoying each other's company. In fact, a little part of me was proud that I didn't react to the situation but responded putting my daughter's needs above mine.

If sadness was created for humans to appreciate and understand what joy is, then trials in parenthood are invented for one to appreciate the immense joys it brings. Everyday has its own set of lessons waiting for us to grow as a family… all I know is, I only fail when I stop trying. And if you love your kids, you are ready for the challenge. :) Share with me what lessons you learn from parenthood!!! Otherwise… if you are reading this… You will be fine! :D

The Greatest Lesson from the Littlest One...

SO since August 10, I officially am a mother of 4. After Kyra was born, I either got too busy or too lazy. I had many moments that I thought I should write about, but when I got down to it, I forgot what the moments were. (Parenthood ages a person really fast)

Precious moments with Kyra

Doing this for the fourth time, I always thought that I know what to do and would have everything under control. I did… until Kyra came out. 

One moment I would worry about Kyra pooping too much (She was pooping almost after every other meal), the next I would wonder if it was normal she didn't poop even after two days (Apparently it's normal even for 10 days). 

I had a newfound friend during that period - Google/Wikipedia. Whatever I wasn't sure about, Google seem to have the answers. (To be fair, it works better than a confinement nanny since you really don't need to talk when you don't feel like)

And while I learned a lot from Google, the most significant lesson I had learnt during these 2 months, came from the littlest one.

It's amazing how God has engineered mummies (esp) to fall in love with their child even if it's not reciprocated at day one. Whatever the child does (or doesn't need to do), the parents will acknowledge with pride. (Like honestly what can a newborn do when he/she sleeps 20hours a day?) Baby's farts smell good, poop looks good and one can even laugh when baby throws up milk on you. (Yes. Love is that blind)

Every smile or cooing made by her would always be received by a smiling, encouraging parent (aka me). She probably didn't understand or know what the big deal was, but I'm sure it made her feel happy and secure too.
It reminded me of the times when Audrey took her first step or called me mama or correctly pointed out the colors in the book when I named them. I was beaming with pride and was very generous with kinder words.

And as I look back at those moments I have with the older three, I wonder, at what age were they at when I changed from being that encouraging parent to the critical one.
Growing up in a world that can be unforgiving, I always thought that if I'm not demanding, my kids will become spoilt and be complacent.

But maybe when God gave me a baby, He also planned to teach me that while parents may mean the world to the children, it doesn't mean that we need to be as unforgiving as the one which society has become. It is never easy, but Kyra has reminded me that it really doesn't hurt to encourage with patience and correct with love.

That's Good… Enough.

When I tell people that I have four kids, one of the most common response I get is "You must really like kids". I do like them… but mostly when they sleep or when they are in my mind…

Before you judge, let me intro you my kids with the picture below...

Image taken from pinterest

It's not surprising when they become monsters (and I mean literally) these are the top phrases I use almost everyday:
1) Stop it!
2) What did I say?
3) Why did you do that?
4) What are you doing?
(And the classic…)
5) 1… 2… 3…

If words can't get to them, my hand will. Then… there's peace again. (even if it's only for 5 minutes)

Motherhood is probably the most amazing experience ever, but it may not be enjoyable. (p.s. He/she who said it was, is lying)
Try enjoying it when you are sound asleep at 3 a.m. and your child wakes you up for milk or kicks you in the face because both of you are sleeping on the same bed.
Or when you are out in public, and your kid misbehaves and later wails and throws a tantrum.. That's not fun either.
When you bring them out for dinner, and either you or your spouse take turns to eat (when they are younger) or you have to feed them first (oh they eat sososo slowly…) and after which you have to gobble down yours because they become restless waiting for you.
When you tell them to do something and they don't do it and even (dare to) say no. (Hello it's not even a choice!! What you mean "No"?!?!) Trust me, for a control freak, this is painful.
Worse when some "know-it-all" comes along and tells you what you do isn't right, it can be demoralizing. (Like thanks ah)

Honestly, I suspect God created motherhood to give women a greater chance to enter heaven, especially after what Eve did to Adam. (Picture taken from christianfunnypictures.com)

At times, I wonder what is it that I am not doing it right when I read other mummy blogs or mummy posts on FB and see my friends enjoying motherhood and their children while I find myself struggling with it. (And I do feel guilty about not enjoying it)
It doesn't help that we get constant reminders that their time with us is limited since they grow up so fast. (Before I know it, I'll probably be a grandma..)

Judging at how many times I have to discipline them when they don't share and fight with each other (it's a lot… in a day) and the things we get to do together (It's limited, and I suspect I'm going to raise boring kids)… I don't see how I am getting this right. Maybe because they are older now and can do more things (which most likely are the wrong ones), most time spent with them would be to discipline and to correct their actions. I don't know if it is because of what they did that made me more irritable, but I just can't seem to find how people can have fun being a mother. (I know.. I have 4 kids… we are screwed)

Fortunately, there's such a thing as divine intervention. (Thank God for.. God!)
During the meet the parents session in the boys' school, the teachers commended Julian for being patient and always waiting for his friends before embarking on an activity. And for Isaac, he is always that caring brother who looks out for Julian in school, making sure he is comfortable in the new environment. (They should just stay in school the whole day I say…)

In the midst of the mistakes and struggles, something right happen.
And as I sit down that day for my daily reflection, I came to realize that maybe I was trying to be a mummy that was wayyyy too perfect. I was trying to be that laughing parent we see in ads and dramas. Not that I never laugh in my journey as a mother, but truth be told, it's probably not something that happens everyday.

Maybe I will never be that fun parent when compared to other mummies. To be honest, I won't bother with inconveniencing myself to bring them all over the island for enrichment programs. I mean I struggle to plan where to bring my kids during the holidays even!
But I do know that when my child needs me, I will still drop everything and be with him/her immediately.
Or after a disciplining session, I will be the first to offer them a hug and kiss to remind them that I still love them, just not the act.

I am a believer that God gives us the type of children who are best for us. Different mummies will have different journeys with their own kids, and even if we make a mistake, the fact that we are trying day after day… trust me, that's good… enough. :)

When Education Begins at Home…

Occasionally we hear of our friends telling us that they are thinking of relocating to another country for retirement or just for a change of environment.

Is the grass really greener on the
other end? 

However, of all the pull reasons why people go overseas, one of the things that came out was because of the education system. Those who have spent quite some time overseas observed that the children growing up in an overseas education system are in general happier, nicer and more appreciative. In other words, Singapore kids, besides becoming rigid, fixated in being exam smart, have become more competitive, nastier, and less humane. 

Yes the problems of parenting just got magnified. How do I teach my children to be kind and appreciative, be contented and grateful, and yet to practice the virtues of striving for excellence or even to encourage taking risks and even maybe being shrewd?

I didn't think the singapore's education system is the sole reasoning for the upbringing of our kids… but the mister doesn't agree. His point is that with such a system, one looks only at the results. In general, parents slog day in day out to make sure their children don't lose out. Chances are any free time the kids have would be taken up by an enrichment class (sports or educational) or by tuition. In fact, to them, they may not even know or care if their parents had to work that extra hard for them. Hence, in order not to fall victim into such a system, is to leave this system to go to somewhere which you know you won't be tempted to go through the same cycle.

However, overseas education system would also mean a greater exposure to premarital sex, drugs and violence… (Which means… I may have a kind-hearted and happy druggie as a kid?) Though interestingly, there are studies which support the idea that Asians tend to actually hold on more to their asian values should they go overseas. Unfortunately, for now, it doesn't provide me any form of consolation.

I asked D whether the size of a family makes a difference to how a child may turn out. He did agree that he noticed that kids coming from a bigger family are generally nicer. However, it's not because of the size, he mentioned that it's the mother's influence that made a difference. He pointed out that most of these families have mummies that spend a substantial amount of time at home too. These mothers don't necessarily spend a lot of one-to-one time with their children. In fact, with more children, they would definitely be busier. While they may not necessarily spend time sending and fetching their children all over singapore for classes, their children are with them most times to observe how they communicate and talk to other people. Even if it just means a simple conversation with the neighbors or the fishmonger (Okay… maybe we can modify the latter to the NTUC auntie).

Basically, D and I concluded, that the things kids pick up by seeing how we as parents communicate would make a difference to whether our kids will turn out nice or not. With that in mind, it becomes a daily challenge for me. Given the nature of my job, my time is relatively flexible and I stay quite a substantial amount of time at home. While it allows me to assess their work better, the kids also will tend to assess how mummy behaves to different people. 

Like how mummy reacts when the helper doesn't understand what is needed to be done or when something is done wrongly. (Lord, help me) Like how mummy behaves when her mummy nags at her and all. (Lord, Help Me) Or like how mummy responds when her husband's mummy insists on doing something that is opposite of what she has intended to do. (LORD, HELP ME)

They say love makes you want to be a better person. I don't know if "want" is really the right word to be used here… But because I love my kids, and I want them to be better people… everyday now becomes a reminder that for this period when they still think their parents are the world's best…. I need to realize that how appreciative, how nice, how humble or how loving they will be in future, depends on how appreciative, how nice, how humble and how loving I am now. 

And I have been trying… I just hope this is the best education system I can offer my kids. :)

Image taken from autismmythbusters.com

If we live like our kids...

The society we live in today seems to be filled with a lot of negativity, hopelessness and cruelty (not just through actions but words) and the irony is most people are okay with it… 

It's amazing how God always (tries and) speaks to us through someone innocent and less intimidating than us - Children. 

1) Look into the mirror and love what you see

Recently, a friend of mine posted a video of her child checking himself out in the mirror. His first reaction was to smile and kiss the mirror. 

If you google baby in the mirror, you will realize he is not the only one. Babies in general love what they see in the mirror. To them, they are perfect… as what God had in mind when He made us.

I am guilty of that. I look at the mirror and I only see the bad things - my eye bags, my wrinkles, my uneven tone, my fats whatever. I don't mean one should have no pride in looking good and I don't mean one should be vain and go the other extreme. But what I need to learn is I need to love myself and be kind. Something which I had forgotten like many years ago.. thanks to the influence of not Barbie but woman's magazines…. 

2) Forgive ever so readily

Yes my kids do fight and argue with each other. They do get reprimanded and punished for being naughty, but even after a bad shelling, it always amazes me how they will readily come to me to hug and kiss me, like nothing had happened. Of course they know why they were scolded but the fact that they were scolded didn't change how they still want to hug or kiss me. 

Some may argue that it's nature's way to ensure that they are loved, but to me, to even want to empty their pride (which trust me… they have a lot of it as well) to come and readily offer the hugs and kisses speaks volume of their ability to forgive.  

I'm not sure if I can do that as readily as them… even if it means to my loved ones. Maybe it's pride, maybe it's arrogance, but this is something I know I am severely lacking. It's a constant reminder that by emptying my pride, I may not have anything to lose…

3) Believing ever so faithfully

I don't know if you ever played this game with your kids before. After a haircut or maybe getting a "new" look by putting on your spectacles, your child gives you a discerning look and you tell them that you are Auntie XYZ. But they know immediately that that's utter rubbish and you are still… Mummy/Daddy.

OR like how when we celebrated Julian's birthday recently and we teased him at dinner, telling him that it was not his birthday since there's no birthday cake in sight. He just smiled and said it will come after dinner. 

I have experienced God's presence in my life many times and I appreciate that. Yet, my faith isn't as strong as it should. If only i believed as much as them… :)

If I live like how a child would be, would life be easier? I doubt it. But at least I would appreciate life. :) 

If I stop being that competitive mother…

Audrey just finished term 2 and we met the teachers… In general, Audrey has been progressing well in class, in short she's not teacher's pet but the teachers don't worry or have complains of her. Audrey did an average of 80+ for all her subjects..

But here's the confession.. she actually did slightly below average amongst her peers… And one of her friends, whose mother and I are good friends, did WAYYYY better than her...
Knowing that didn't make me feel good. Don't get me wrong, I didn't set her out to compete with every and any p1 girl. Ironically, if she comes home telling me that she's always trying to be better than her friends, I would be quite concerned and tell her to just focus on her own race with herself. So why am I uncomfortable?

The truth of the matter is, I am competitive (Okay.. I'm not that crazy to compete on whether my kids' poo smell nicer than others). It's like how my kids perform in school was an indication of whether I was a good parent or not. So to put it bluntly, it was really just my pride/ego being hurt. (Or in asian context, loss of face)

I took this week to actually revise with Audrey all the weak areas in math. I'm not sure if it's universal, but if your child is in p1, chances are she/he will have quite a bit of difficulty doing questions like these:
John has 5 apples. Mary has 4 more apples than John. How many apples do they have in all?

Somehow, Audrey sees "in all" and she just adds the two numbers. She sees it as a one step question since prior to this, she's been just doing one-step questions. If you are having problems with this type of question w your child, maybe you can try rewording the question to this… as a start to introducing to them that such questions are 2 step questions..

John has 5 apples. Mary has 4 more apples than John.
A) how many apples does Mary have?
B) how many apples do they have in all?

We tried solving the question with manipulative and it did seem to work for a while, but somehow without it, Audrey still hasn't managed to get the concept.

Egg carton with colored ping pong balls….

She managed to answer the questions correctly when she used the manipulative

But come the next day, when I tried again (without the manipulative), she got it wrong again. It went on for 2 days… it wasn't working. My patience was getting shorter. I couldn't understand why she couldn't understand it. It was painful for both her and me.

Fortunately, in comes the mister. He broke the question down for her… and in his own way (because he wasn't competing with anyone but focusing on her) he managed to get her to see it within 30 minutes (Darns! I lost to the mister too!) 

The mister got her to break the question down step by step… To be fair, I did it too…
But he made her write it out… I didn't

I suppose D and I knew it was a two step problem. Here's when NS did some good. Even if he knows she is smart, he is treating her as a fool. I know she is smart and I thought I could be lazy with the minor details like getting her to write it out step by step.

And because he managed to do it right…. He got A+ for review.

Seeing that she now is able to do the questions, made me feel proud of her but ashamed of myself. I was too eager to make her get a concept that I got impatient waiting for that "A-ha" moment. I wanted to achieve something (through her) and she wasn't enjoying the process… neither did i (trust me).

Truth be told, now upon reflection, I don't know why I was even competitive or who was I competing with. It's a thin line that I wanted the best for her, yet I was actually trying to mould her to make me look good. So my question to parents is… when you decide to send your child to enrichment classes… was it really for the kids' benefit… or yours? Think about it… 

A little treat for the little lady...

Of course every entry normally has a "happy" ending… I recognize that Audrey is a sweetheart who persevered and sat through another hour with me clearing her math concepts… and I brought her out for a surprise - Her favorite foot massage. (Guess a little bribery won't hurt.. :P)

What's my point? My point is this… I didn't achieve anything by being competitive. I didn't get any result by being over anxious or over zealous, in fact it went the other way. She's a child and I should go at her pace rather than she follow mine.

Trust me, it's easy to say (when your kids are younger or doing well) that you won't be such a parent… But… chances are 8 out of 10 of you will be… :) I hope after reading this… you will be the 2 though.