When we mistake God's sign

There are moments in the past that will always be replayed in my mind and while the last few months before Philip's passing was a blur to me, I remembered this scene very clearly. 

This was after Philip's brain surgery and the night before we realised that his abdomen was a little bloated and his testicles were a little swollen. It wasn't a good sign and that night we went to bed worried.

The next morning, I was getting ready to bring Philip to see the oncologist when Dan rushed home and showed me the reading of the day. He was very much filled with faith that Philip will be fine.  

I wasn't as sure as he was.. but I just went along with him because to me, even when I didn't have peace in my heart. 

This has been an internal struggle for Daniel for the first 10 months after Philip died... and since it is the first reading for today... I will share with you his reflection. :) 

The msg the Mister sent
me today

The First Reading today is a particularly difficult one for me as it brings back many memories. It’s a reading from the book of Judges. The story is how God called Gideon and what Gideon’s response was. In 2019 when Philip was very ill in hospital, I was very afraid that he would die and I remember asking God that fateful morning. Show me a sign that would tell me Philip’s fate. I was in the adoration room in the Church of the Holy Spirit, all alone and pleading with the Lord for a sign, just like Gideon did. 

The gist of the reading was “Do not be afraid, you will not die.” I cried as I took it to mean that Philip will not die then. 

As we all know, Philip passed away a couple of weeks later. I was shocked, horrified and indignant! Didn’t God give me a sign through the exact same reading 2 years ago? What happened to what He said to me? I was confused, angry, upset to say the least. That anger eventually led to indifference. If God’s will be done, why even seek my opinion? Why even bother to give me hope when there wasn’t to be any hope! Why lie to me? 

It took me a really long time and many struggles to come to the realisation that God’s plan will be done anyway, but we are called to “want” His plan for us. This calls for humility and obedience to His will. 

So it was with some trepidation that I re-read this morning’s First Reading. Gideon was called by the Lord to save His people Israel. But Gideon said that he was from the smallest tribe in Israel and the weakest member of his family. How could he even rise up against Israel’s enemies? It seemed so absurd and ridiculous! But God reassured him that He would go with Gideon and perform the works and power in Gideon’s behalf. Gideon of course didn’t believe and sought to ask for a sign (just like me). He made an offering of unleavened bread and lamb which the angel of the Lord caused to be burnt as a sign of the acceptance of Gideon’s offering to the Lord. Gideon then realised that he had seen the face of the angel of the Lord and in the Old Testament, anyone who sees the face of God or His angels will be struck down and die. But God reassured him that “Do not be afraid, you will not die!”

That perspective changed my thinking for now I know that God perhaps wants me to see His face and His will and go through His plan for me, but I need to trust Him and be obedient and docile to His plan for me, then I “will not die”. 

God always calls the weakest, the youngest, the one who in Man’s eyes are nothing, to be His instrument. He chose Moses, someone who couldn’t talk well; He chose David, the youngest and weakest child of Jesse. He chose Gideon and now He chooses you and me. Not to rely on our own strength and intellect but instead to put our own ego aside and just follow the promptings of the Spirit to do His will. 

God never calls the ready, He readies the called. We can come up with a million and one excuses not to do His will, but I ask you today to put aside your reason and human understanding, and just say “Yes” to Him today. “Not mine, but Thy Will be done”. You will be amazed by what will happen!

When Education Begins at Home…

Occasionally we hear of our friends telling us that they are thinking of relocating to another country for retirement or just for a change of environment.

Is the grass really greener on the
other end? 

However, of all the pull reasons why people go overseas, one of the things that came out was because of the education system. Those who have spent quite some time overseas observed that the children growing up in an overseas education system are in general happier, nicer and more appreciative. In other words, Singapore kids, besides becoming rigid, fixated in being exam smart, have become more competitive, nastier, and less humane. 

Yes the problems of parenting just got magnified. How do I teach my children to be kind and appreciative, be contented and grateful, and yet to practice the virtues of striving for excellence or even to encourage taking risks and even maybe being shrewd?

I didn't think the singapore's education system is the sole reasoning for the upbringing of our kids… but the mister doesn't agree. His point is that with such a system, one looks only at the results. In general, parents slog day in day out to make sure their children don't lose out. Chances are any free time the kids have would be taken up by an enrichment class (sports or educational) or by tuition. In fact, to them, they may not even know or care if their parents had to work that extra hard for them. Hence, in order not to fall victim into such a system, is to leave this system to go to somewhere which you know you won't be tempted to go through the same cycle.

However, overseas education system would also mean a greater exposure to premarital sex, drugs and violence… (Which means… I may have a kind-hearted and happy druggie as a kid?) Though interestingly, there are studies which support the idea that Asians tend to actually hold on more to their asian values should they go overseas. Unfortunately, for now, it doesn't provide me any form of consolation.

I asked D whether the size of a family makes a difference to how a child may turn out. He did agree that he noticed that kids coming from a bigger family are generally nicer. However, it's not because of the size, he mentioned that it's the mother's influence that made a difference. He pointed out that most of these families have mummies that spend a substantial amount of time at home too. These mothers don't necessarily spend a lot of one-to-one time with their children. In fact, with more children, they would definitely be busier. While they may not necessarily spend time sending and fetching their children all over singapore for classes, their children are with them most times to observe how they communicate and talk to other people. Even if it just means a simple conversation with the neighbors or the fishmonger (Okay… maybe we can modify the latter to the NTUC auntie).

Basically, D and I concluded, that the things kids pick up by seeing how we as parents communicate would make a difference to whether our kids will turn out nice or not. With that in mind, it becomes a daily challenge for me. Given the nature of my job, my time is relatively flexible and I stay quite a substantial amount of time at home. While it allows me to assess their work better, the kids also will tend to assess how mummy behaves to different people. 

Like how mummy reacts when the helper doesn't understand what is needed to be done or when something is done wrongly. (Lord, help me) Like how mummy behaves when her mummy nags at her and all. (Lord, Help Me) Or like how mummy responds when her husband's mummy insists on doing something that is opposite of what she has intended to do. (LORD, HELP ME)

They say love makes you want to be a better person. I don't know if "want" is really the right word to be used here… But because I love my kids, and I want them to be better people… everyday now becomes a reminder that for this period when they still think their parents are the world's best…. I need to realize that how appreciative, how nice, how humble or how loving they will be in future, depends on how appreciative, how nice, how humble and how loving I am now. 

And I have been trying… I just hope this is the best education system I can offer my kids. :)

Image taken from autismmythbusters.com

A journey of 9 years as a Mrs...

The much talked about pi-day came and gone. How was that special for you? It didn't make much difference except the fact that 9 years ago, D and I legally became husband and wife. I'm sure it would be more romantic if D actually remembered that it was today and not 16.3.2006.

While strolling in the park..

M: You know what day it is today?

D: (He looked at me…) It's not today. It's 16/3 (I have to say, it feels good being with someone who knows what you are thinking.)

M: What's on 16/3?

D: Our ROM lah. You very horrible very dates.

M: My dear, we registered on the 14?

D: Please… my memory better than you… wanna bet?

M: You must be getting old, it is 14.

D: I'm very confident.

(I laughed. Boy I love it when I get to prove him wrong… I took my phone and looked through my archive mail… Finally, I found the email that had the booking for the restaurant for 14/3/2006. The taste of victory never got sweeter…)

M: Your memory still good?

(D looked through the email…)

D: Yes… see.. it's on 16.3. I'm right. (whatever… I knew i got him… like WHY would you doubt a woman on her wedding date? It's not like asking her when Singapore was forced to surrender… Ok in case you didn't know it's 15/2/1942)

Oh and why I chose 14/3? I don't know if you guys remember the pager phase, when 143 actually means I love you? :)

After the stroll, we met some friends for dinner… and they were all surprised that he was able to sit there and enjoy himself. 

But yes… while the Mr got the date mixed up, I know that he loves me… and that's more important. So  today, i took some time to slowly go through the emails we used to send to each other when we were dating. (If you have the time and chance to do so, read those mails again… You will be laughing at times, tearing at some but smiling all the time) I was actually quite romantic when I was 21… Ha.. okay maybe more to cheesy and really quite high maintenance. I read some of the emails and even I couldn't carry on… (What the hell was I thinking????) And D had to put up with it and even replied them… (I told you he loves me…)

One of the emails that caught my attention was an email that I wrote to him attaching a letter to my future husband. Since I hope you will be able to last through this whole blog entry, I will just copy and paste a small portion of what is interesting in the letter…

One day, my looks will fade, my busts will sag, my body will go fat but i hope you will always see me as ur beautiful princess just like how when my hearing and vision fail... i will take extra effort to listen to you and close my eyes to your weaknesses... and love me darling... not because of my hair length or whatsoever... but when compared to another girl.. your eyes will still be attracted to me.. regardless how interesting the other person's teeth may be, how smooth and soft her hair may be, how witty and loud she makes you laugh, how great her figure is complimented with her cup C or D busts... just like how i know u are the one for me.. over john, joseph, bryan, lester, adrian.. blah blah.. i might take a little longer time to digest the differences... but i am sure at the end of the day.. if u wait for a while longer, my answer would be you still and i dun want anyone else…

(Okay I really don't know who the guys are… but that's not really the point in that really… ) 

This was written when I was about 21 (Gawd… I was so young…) and it's amazing how we managed to stick by each other through it all… See when I was younger, I was more insecure, possessive, very easily jealous… In short, I was just young and irritating.. :)

That made me reflect on this bible verse… and appreciate it more…

Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited

It is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offense or store up grievances 

I remembered for one of the wedding masses I attended, a priest actually asked, ever since when love makes one patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful or conceited? Which lover will not be rude (I suppose when angry) and not love for self's advantage? How does one not take offense or be okay when things go bad?

Probably when we love based on the mere ability of human.

It's not love per se, but with God, that loving becomes 'unnatural'. Of course, you may be a person with no faith and still be in a wonderful relationship. But all I am saying is that because I have faith, loving becomes easier to understand and show. Loving D was not based on how I wanted to love, but how he needed to be love. :) 

So on pi-day, I'm thankful that God has given me a glimpse of what His love to me can me… Through D. Thank you D… for showing me what heaven is like… even for someone as undeserving as me. :)

P.S. Why isn't Pi-day on 22/7????

Pak Thor after Marriage

We were supposed to catch up with some friends yesterday but unfortunately one of them fell sick so it was postponed to another day.

So since we were free, D and I thought we should do dinner outside and go "pak thor" (i.e. dating) just like before.
We wanted to watch movies but the shows we wanted to catch were either sold out or had only the lousier seats left. (I didn't feel too bad since the price difference as compared on a weekday is $5 per person) But that said… I guess half of Singapore also didn't know what to do on a Saturday night. So we went on to do the next "singaporean" thing - walk around in a shopping centre.

We reached NEX at about 9.30p.m and boy was it crowded. I wanted to go to the game arcade since that was what I did when I was younger, while the Mr didn't. D defined 'pak thor' as just window shopping and didn't think we should waste money. (Whatever.) We went to Popular though and I got some books for Julian and myself and a dictionary for the Indon helper. (HOW can not spend money on date one???)

We stopped by Toastbox for a drink and some snack. I don't know what got us talk about family gatherings and the dear husband said he is not going for any of my family gatherings with my grandpa henceforth. (yes… that is a start of a disagreement.. )

A summary of what happened - My grandpa had seen D some weeks back to make a new set of dentures. D had actually gone out of his way to help him by going to his place in the evenings to do his mould, skipped lunch so that he can attend to him etc and all this at $0. (Yes, he is really sweet, and I really appreciate him for this)
However, during the last visit at the clinic, grandpa was very irritated because his gums were swollen and he was in pain. He was being a pain as well and became rude to D who went out of his way to see him. (D was irritated but he didn't show it to him… where to find such a guy right?) Grandpa was so difficult that my uncle just took him home so that D could have a break. To be fair, if it were me, I think I would have told grandpa off longggggg ago.
In general, D can tolerate many things, but he doesn't like it when people are rude to him. As in, he really doesn't like it. Hence, he insisted that he will not attend any future gatherings with grandpa.
We actually discussed this on the night when it happened. However, because it was late, we decided to call it truce and discuss it another time when he feels less upset on the matter. We thought it was okay to do it another time because albeit he was angry, he wasn't upset with me or us.

I agreed with him that grandpa's behavior was uncalled for and he has the right to not see him as a patient henceforth. However, that aside, he is still family and regardless, a family gathering is not complete if either one is absent. (Yes, my family isn't perfect, but with God's grace, we try.)
My point to him was he had all the right to not see him as a dentist, but not as a grandson-in-law. While his point was, he just cannot stand rude people. Period. He also had his concerns. He might be further upset with grandpa if he was unreasonable again, so he rather not see him.

I felt his struggles, and I shared how things i do at times were not for his friends/family but for him. I have learnt too that in marriage one's joy can come from seeing another person happy and not because it makes me happy. (Yes, as much as I don't show it, I do love the  Mr quite a bit). He understood that, and he agreed that as hard as it is, he would do it for me, rather than for anyone else. He finally agreed on one condition, that he doesn't talk to grandpa on anything teeth related unless he apologizes (haha… let's just not talk about teeth). We had almost finished our drinks and snacks and thought it was time to go.
 
M: Where should we go now? (it was 10.45pm)
D: Go home la
M: Huh? How come when we pak thor before marriage, we always go home so late, now so early?
D: Ya.. Normally the date ends when the couple argues.

How not to love his wit? He was joking of course. And I did try to google some stuff to do:
1) Movies marathon
2) Play wii  (We wanted to but the controls weren't working…)
3) Visit Senoko Fishery Port (But that's at 2am onwards only)
4) Go Cosmic Bowling
5) Go to a comedy club

We ended up doing the movie marathon (with ONE movie) when we came back… But we do hope that we will somehow do the others soon…. That aside…. Besides putting the kids to sleep… what do married couples do at night????