10 years down.... Eternity to go..

Recently D and I had celebrated our 10th anniversary. I'm happy to say that this time we didn't have any Cold War or missed the chance to be with each other. (So yes this time, we actually celebrated.)

These three remains, Faith, Hope and Love.
But the greatest of these is Love. 

D and I had a vow renewal ceremony at church and just like 10 years ago, the mass was still the best part of the day. D and I made it as meaningful as we could. We involved our kids in the walk-in, we used the same readings as we did 10 years back, we got the kids involved in the readings and even wrote and renewed our own vows and promises to each other. (D choked on his vows, I think it's because he was touched, he thinks it's because the church was dusty... *tsk*)

Looking back on this 10 years, D and I are eternally grateful and indebted to a few people who have helped us through our roughest times in our marriage. It's not always with love and tenderness that we look at each other. But God has sent enough angels to make sure we survive. Most of the time, interestingly enough, it would be priests (yes those who have never been married) who are wise enough to remind us how to love each other.

1) Loving the other the way he needs to be loved, and not how we want to love.

Even before our marriage, we have had our fair share of disagreement and arguments. Like how after a long day at work, I would look forward to seeing him, yet whenever we met, D would seem tired and grouchy. It didn't help that when he was with his friends, he would be laughing and actually looked like he is enjoying himself. I saw that as an insult and a form of failure on my part. I used to not understand how is it that his friends could bring out so much life in him and when he was with me, he was so tired and dragging it. I mean, I am his wife after all, shouldn't he be happy to see me? 

He had me at "In":P

But because I love him, I realised that's what he needs. Not necessarily time away from me since  it's not because he didn't enjoy my company but he just appreciated the brainless moments of guys talk (yes... we all know they don't actually talk *rolls eyes*) and because of that he actually is happier. 

D on the other hand is not one who is expressive and talks much about his feelings. But he also knows that I am one who enjoys to be reminded how much he loves me. So whenever he can, he drops me messages of how much he still loves me even when he is busy. He is also a very private person, and for him to come up with his own vows and renew it in front of our friends tells me that he was willing to be vulnerable for me. And for that, I know, I am loved.

2) KEEP making excuses for each other when it hurts the most

This isn't isolated to marriage. It can be used for any relationship. D and I do get clumsy with each other's feelings too. And while most times we are okay, but there are days when I cannot comprehend why he couldn't see my point and insist on his way.

I confided in a priest who smiled hearing my side of the story and calmly told me to make excuses for him. That while the fact that I am hurt remains, making more excuses for him might lessen the hurt. And when you are willing to find those excuses, you will never run out of the love for that person. (Of course this shouldn't be the same if there's any form of abuse in the relationship)

3) To those who have caused harm to us and hurt us? Pray not just for us, but for them

Truth be told, every couple has their own cross(es) to bear in their relationship. For D and I, our greatest is the issue of in-laws. D and I have had many arguments as I felt at times he was not always on my side and he couldn't understand why the actions of his parents would be an issue to me. The same priest who told me to make excuses out of love reminded me to pray for those who have hurt us. Ironically, doing that helps us more than them. Psychologically, it's not possible to be angry and upset at a person while wishing him/her to be blessed.

So yes, while I'm still not in the running for the best daughter-in-law award, I think praying for them would be my saving grace.

4) Keep close to God (and couples who believe in marriage)

It's not by our strength but by God's grace we are still together. We have witnessed many of our friends who struggle and give up in their marriage and most times it is not because their marriage is exceptionally hard. Being in love is totally unnatural. It's not natural to not be jealous, to be patient and kind, to be slow to anger and to be forgiving. Because we are "imperfect" our love can never be perfect as well.

Truth be told, "godly" is a term which hardly anyone would use to describe us. (I mean some people are surprised we are catholics too.. that does say much about us right?) But God is kind to us, with whatever pockets of time we make to pray, He listens. And unknowingly, He would give us more than enough to move along. Sometimes He doesn't answer our prayers through gentle whispers and a "moment of enlightenment" but through couples He has blessed with more than enough to love. Seeing them at them makes us want to model them and love each other better. (okay... this isn't about me being competitive) But yes... three I assure you, is never a crowd.

Finally... to those of you who have been praying and blessing us with your friendship, prayers and love... Thank you. If not for you, there won't be us.

Us at our 10 year milestone 

All in the Name of Love

What is done in love, is done well. - Vincent Van Gogh

So I was at a wedding recently where a couple chose to write their own vows. The groom, feeling up to it, promised the bride the following:

-To wake up earlier than usual everyday to make breakfast for the bride

-To pack and clean the room everyday

-To do all the night feeds and diaper changing when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night

-To give her absolute freedom

-To give her whatever he earns

After hearing the first promise, I told my friend if D was here, he would have said "siao" (which means crazy in hokkien) and I was right.

When he finished, I turned to my friend and said that if he were my son, I would not be smiling. He laughed and told me I have aged. 

When I was younger, I remembered calling my parents up during school hours just because I am thinking of them and to tell them I love them. I don't know what changed, but I don't seem to (be able) to do it now. (Hmm… actually, I don't remember when I last said I love you to D… )

Even as a mother, I still struggle with expressing my emotions and being affectionate towards my kids, especially when they are growing older now. Even holding hands with my kids is more of a practical basis (like not losing them) rather than a 'motherly' reason of wanting them to be close to you (which is probably the same as not losing them I suppose..)

I'm not proud of the fact that I'm 'cold'. In fact, I do envy my friends who have a close relationship with their kids and parents. But strangely enough, I do get uncomfortable trying otherwise and it makes me somehow 'socially awkward'. After some tries, I end up going back to my usual comfortable 'cold' self. 

Truth be told, I don't have a great …good... much of a relationship with my in laws. I mean they are nice (and I honestly think I am quite nice too), but apparently nice people don't necessarily have great relationships.

Our relationship is more cordial than friendly and given a choice, I don't think I would do anything on my end to actively try to have a relationship with them. (Especially when I'm not an affectionate person.. this becomes much harder) 

Unfortunately, I have learnt that many times this puts D in a very uncomfortable position, especially during the moments when he has stood by me and supported my stand on certain issues. (Let's just say the conversations they have will not be pleasant) 

I have often wondered how is it ever possible that Love can always be patient, kind, not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs? But the decision to love does help. I may not necessarily love my in laws, but I love D and loving him makes me want to do something for him with his family. 

We didn't enter the marriage blind to what problems our families might bring. Naively, we thought they would go away or get better. The in-laws issue never went away from day one… and truth of the matter is, it might never will. While we do argue about it, we are not going to throw our marriage away for it. 

Frankly, such decisions are never made with such conviction. Somehow, everything seems to be magnified when D's the hardest to love. But fortunately, at those times, praying for grace helps… not immediately, but we get by easier. 

So just like the groom who made those promises on his wedding day and got everyone doubt and laugh at his decision to love, he will only be the fool if he gives up trying.

Marriage - A Testimony of God's Love

7 July was our ninth year anniversary. Beginning of the week, D told me that he had taken leave that evening so that we could go out for a nice dinner. All this would be a fairy tale if not for the fact that we actually argued on 5th July.

A bouquet for the
anniversary

D tried to make peace on the eve of our anniversary and gave me a bouquet of roses that night, but I was still upset and was hardly amused or touched by his surprise. That night, we both went to bed with the void in our hearts.

Friends and family wished us on our anniversary, we politely thanked them but truth is, we weren't at peace. We didn't talk to each other neither did we try. I was just too upset that he couldn't understand my plight when dealing with his parents and every time I saw him, I was reminded of the hurt. (So yes, the cold war has started)

A part of me was longing the intimacy and closeness we were enjoying before this, yet I refused forgiveness because I felt his efforts in understanding me and seeing my point of view weren't enough. We were due to present in Engaged Encounter a week from now, and were obviously not in the best position to share with couples about a God-centred marriage. Until one message from D made me realize, that he was also hurt in the process.

I was hurt, but that didn't give me the right to hurt him as well. Even before the kids and in-laws, I willingly chose to spend my life with him and he with me. We made a commitment 9 years back and through these years, the greatest struggle I had staying married wasn't money, parenting differences or even the in-laws (Surprise, surprise!). It was being willing to put his needs above mine. Those few days when I allowed myself to think about my needs and myself, I felt neither happiness nor peace. I was alone and worse, I was miserable. We still struggle and are clumsy with each other's feelings especially when other people are involved, and honestly, have not resolved these struggles.
So, yes, possibly tomorrow, the same thing could happen again and the whole cycle can repeat. But at least, we are given one more day to try again.

I see on social media that many seem to think that the greatest threat to marriage is society's definition of marriage and family nowadays. But it is not. The greatest threat to my marriage is… me. 

We can choose to continue to make the marriage a testimony of God's love to man or make it threaten other people's ideas of marriage and cause them to give up hope for love.
Everyday continues to present us temptations for the latter, but God has given us MORE than enough to make sure it doesn't. But it can only happen if we allow that to. :)

And to the man I chose 9 years ago, I love you… more than I did 9 years ago. It will be less than tomorrow though. And after all these years, I do… with all my heart. :)

Image from curiano.com

When Staying Married is anything but "common"...

Still one of my favorite pics
from our wedding...

Today D and I are 8 years old as husband and wife in the eyes of the church. I asked D what he thought the secret recipe in our marriage is, he looked at me with all seriousness and said it was him. Friends probably agree that he's probably my greatest fortune and I am his downfall… Since he's Mr Nice guy and really is adored by everyone. (Thanks guys… I'm sure if you asked him who the second messiah is, he would also say it is him)

Since the start of the blog, I have been reflecting on what I do as an impact on my kids and have hardly spend the time to reflect what I did as an impact on my spouse and I suppose the latter can't be less important than that of the former. 

While we both love each other dearly, we have our own struggles as with any typical family… Like how we would worry about the monthly expenses and the impending birth of no 4, or how we may not agree with the in laws (ok.. mostly me) while tackling it with sensitivity and respect, or how we sometimes are harsh to each other because of our words. 

The list goes on… And while we should not just wait till a special time of the year to reflect and appreciate each other like our birthdays or anniversaries, I am guilty of it.

But that's the unfortunate thing… We always forget to give our spouse the recognition that what he/she did made a difference in our lives or at least that day.

I remember one of my friends posted last year that she was delayed at work and the mr needed to wait 45 minutes for her. Out of concern, he called to check if she was okay, but she snapped at him for the call.

When she got into the car, she thought her day would end in an argument but to her surprise, the first thing he did was to lean over, kiss her and apologize (okay.. i don't know for what). The two hugged and despite a horrible day, he made it right for her. 

That post gathered over 100 likes (in my opinion it should have more… but that's not the point). And even as I re-write her post, such an act continues to put a tear in my eye...The point is, because of social media, we always tend to see things that seem to cause us to react… Anything to do with government, with the traditional view of family, with violence…. Just anything that will have two camps, we seem to follow and pay attention to it. No one seems to be keen on the "common" stuff… What's sadder is that these "common" stuff is not as common as we think. 

If I challenge any of you reading, to post for the next 7 days, on things that your spouse does that may seem ordinary, but yet makes a difference to you… Would you? 

Truth be told… Chances are you probably might… but it's probably going to be tough for you to look out for it… and because of that not post it. :) 

When D and I were preparing for our marriage, we went for a marriage preparation course which got us to write a betrothal pledge or love letter to each other. It basically is a pledge where we write to remind ourselves how to be life-giving to each other, to love the person how he needs to be loved, not how we want to. 

But it's been 8 years… And I haven't rewritten another love letter/pledge to him… and so… here goes..

Dear D,

It has been 8 wonderful years with you. Some days were easier than others but I would not have exchanged that for anything else.

And as we continue to journey as husband and wife, I would like to thank you for loving me for what seems to be a tall order. I admit putting up with me is probably not one of the easiest options you have made but thank you for doing so.

I know there are many things till now I still need to work on. 

I promise to be life-giving by considering your feelings and position whenever I can't see eye to eye with your parents. And even be more enthusiastic on family dinners and events.

I promise to be more patient and less grumpy when you ask me to do something that's out of my comfort zone even if it's for your convenience.

I promise to remember that your interests make a huge part of you and because of that I will put in the effort to enjoy and appreciate it or at least support you in it rather than putting you down for what I deem as impractical.

I promise to understand that you are trying and at times it isn't easy, and be more appreciative that you are shouldering all the pressures and stress outside so that we are able to pay the bills and a little more every month… something which I take for granted for. 

So thank you my dear, for humbling me and teaching me that someone like me also deserves to be loved.

You are truly a gift and because of you, I know God is real. :)

A journey of 9 years as a Mrs...

The much talked about pi-day came and gone. How was that special for you? It didn't make much difference except the fact that 9 years ago, D and I legally became husband and wife. I'm sure it would be more romantic if D actually remembered that it was today and not 16.3.2006.

While strolling in the park..

M: You know what day it is today?

D: (He looked at me…) It's not today. It's 16/3 (I have to say, it feels good being with someone who knows what you are thinking.)

M: What's on 16/3?

D: Our ROM lah. You very horrible very dates.

M: My dear, we registered on the 14?

D: Please… my memory better than you… wanna bet?

M: You must be getting old, it is 14.

D: I'm very confident.

(I laughed. Boy I love it when I get to prove him wrong… I took my phone and looked through my archive mail… Finally, I found the email that had the booking for the restaurant for 14/3/2006. The taste of victory never got sweeter…)

M: Your memory still good?

(D looked through the email…)

D: Yes… see.. it's on 16.3. I'm right. (whatever… I knew i got him… like WHY would you doubt a woman on her wedding date? It's not like asking her when Singapore was forced to surrender… Ok in case you didn't know it's 15/2/1942)

Oh and why I chose 14/3? I don't know if you guys remember the pager phase, when 143 actually means I love you? :)

After the stroll, we met some friends for dinner… and they were all surprised that he was able to sit there and enjoy himself. 

But yes… while the Mr got the date mixed up, I know that he loves me… and that's more important. So  today, i took some time to slowly go through the emails we used to send to each other when we were dating. (If you have the time and chance to do so, read those mails again… You will be laughing at times, tearing at some but smiling all the time) I was actually quite romantic when I was 21… Ha.. okay maybe more to cheesy and really quite high maintenance. I read some of the emails and even I couldn't carry on… (What the hell was I thinking????) And D had to put up with it and even replied them… (I told you he loves me…)

One of the emails that caught my attention was an email that I wrote to him attaching a letter to my future husband. Since I hope you will be able to last through this whole blog entry, I will just copy and paste a small portion of what is interesting in the letter…

One day, my looks will fade, my busts will sag, my body will go fat but i hope you will always see me as ur beautiful princess just like how when my hearing and vision fail... i will take extra effort to listen to you and close my eyes to your weaknesses... and love me darling... not because of my hair length or whatsoever... but when compared to another girl.. your eyes will still be attracted to me.. regardless how interesting the other person's teeth may be, how smooth and soft her hair may be, how witty and loud she makes you laugh, how great her figure is complimented with her cup C or D busts... just like how i know u are the one for me.. over john, joseph, bryan, lester, adrian.. blah blah.. i might take a little longer time to digest the differences... but i am sure at the end of the day.. if u wait for a while longer, my answer would be you still and i dun want anyone else…

(Okay I really don't know who the guys are… but that's not really the point in that really… ) 

This was written when I was about 21 (Gawd… I was so young…) and it's amazing how we managed to stick by each other through it all… See when I was younger, I was more insecure, possessive, very easily jealous… In short, I was just young and irritating.. :)

That made me reflect on this bible verse… and appreciate it more…

Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited

It is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offense or store up grievances 

I remembered for one of the wedding masses I attended, a priest actually asked, ever since when love makes one patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful or conceited? Which lover will not be rude (I suppose when angry) and not love for self's advantage? How does one not take offense or be okay when things go bad?

Probably when we love based on the mere ability of human.

It's not love per se, but with God, that loving becomes 'unnatural'. Of course, you may be a person with no faith and still be in a wonderful relationship. But all I am saying is that because I have faith, loving becomes easier to understand and show. Loving D was not based on how I wanted to love, but how he needed to be love. :) 

So on pi-day, I'm thankful that God has given me a glimpse of what His love to me can me… Through D. Thank you D… for showing me what heaven is like… even for someone as undeserving as me. :)

P.S. Why isn't Pi-day on 22/7????