Yikes! Change is about to happen!

Just one more sleep and what I am used to for the past 3 years will all be changed. Like many, I'd always thought that since I've been through it so many times, everything would be under control and honestly this would be child's play for me. After all, the whole process remains the same - wake up early, go for breakfast, relax a little, check into hospital, prep for surgery and get heavily sedated and when I wake up in 1hrs time, I get myself a new baby. (Like honestly, how complicated can life be? *tsk*)

But strangely, I'm not sure if I can say I was most confident this time. It could be the fear for the post surgery recovery, because I know how painful it can be. Or maybe I was from 2 helpers to down with no helper at all until yesterday when the replacement helper came and hopefully the other one comes back later today (yes on the day when I deliver). It could be also because just a few days ago I was down with flu and am probably still struggling with a little stomach flu. Or it could be maybe from the anxiety that my youngest girl will no more be the baby of the family already and I'm pushing her to grow up to be a sister (yes I still get the guilty feeling even after so many kids!). Or that maybe the mister is down with flu STILL (and that's how I fall sick) and on the night before I deliver I'm spending some time alone doing my reflection, rather than a movie night and quiet time with the mister.

Yup... as you can see things haven't been going as planned. And the irony? This pregnancy is the one which I had prayed the hardest, go church more often and had a lot more people praying for me than the other pregnancies. Should I not have prayed? Could it be an easier and smoother journey? Shouldn't prayer help in easing one's fear? What went wrong?

Unfortunately, truth of the matter is, just because I prayed harder it didn't mean that I had the trump card of being God and get to do things according to my plan or my choice. The Evil one would use every opportunity to tell and tempt me to be angry with God and to stop praying cuz obviously it hasn't been providing much consolation or so it seems. The Holy Spirit on the other hand continues to ask me to be patient and tells me it's not about me but to be faithful and just say Yes to being loved and carried by God.

Back at Home...

Feeling so overwhelmed, I actually went to the adoration room after dinner yesterday and just sat in front of the Holy Eucharist to pour out all my anxieties and somehow started to cry. (hormones maybe) I didn't realize one can be so close to God and yet so fearful at the same time. But the best thing about crying is that God knows too that I've reached my limit and He will take over from here since there is no more resistance from me to try to be in control and stay in charge. The Evil one also knows that there's no point in trying to be around because the harder he tries to be funny, the harder I will pray and that's really not what he wants too.

God's peace comes after every storm and it strangely doesn't need to make any grand entrance. Truth be told, God was present throughout the whole pregnancy. Like how my helper situation could be a mess but at least He sent me a great replacement which seems to be able to hold the fort for the time being, plus my mum was around to help me here and there with the kids so I could rest and nurse my flu. I may not have gotten many things my way, but because of this, many have used this as a reason to pray and found inspiration to be close to Him. To help with post surgery recovery, He's blessed me with a masseur who is able to come right after my surgery to help me feel better faster. And because He knows I've been anxious, He's been getting many guardian angels to send me personal love messages and prayers along the way to cheer me up and encourage me.

And even though I pray that He could give me a miraculously painless birth, I forget that the more I look at myself, the more I forget that He is the same God that managed to feed thousands with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes, heal the blind and sick and even raise the dead... He IS so mighty and all I could do was just to limit Him to my fears and plans. If God had really been given the control of my life, how much greater can it be? The opposite of fear is not exactly courage, it's just stop saying No to God.

Trust me, it's not a bad feeling. And so I say to you.... Peace be with You. :)

An Appreciation of My Cesarean Scar..

So April is Cesarean Appreciation Month.. and before the month comes to an end, I thought that since I have had 3 c-sections, I thought I should blog about it. (But I really don't know why it requires one month to appreciate cesarean…)

No one really shares about it. No one really talks about it too. But with my FIRST c-section, I felt like a total failure (and that possibly added to my postnatal blues… on top of the uneven boobs and the still pregnant figure). I mean I was young when I had Audrey and throughout the whole 9 months of pregnancy, all the books I read focused on the delivery… Vaginal delivery. (Okay I don't blame them, I mean what can you write on c-section that would be interesting to an expectant mother)

So when Audrey required c-section after 12 hours of labour (thank God for epidural), I was disappointed because it felt like after preparing for everything, I didn't manage to finish it. It didn't help that (almost) everyone around me had vaginal delivery, everyone had felt contractions, everyone had something memorable about it. Mine was just… mechanical. I was simply envious of my friends who could have it…
When you have a vaginal birth, everyone asks about the delivery process… When you have a c-section, everyone just asks how's the baby…

After conceiving Isaac, I read about how mothers tried for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after cesarean). I had hope! I could actually have a different birth experience this time. Except my doctor, who's very experienced and conservative, told me that just because I wanted, it didn't mean I could have it. He told me the stats - basically 80% of the women who have had c-section manage to have a vaginal birth. However, the 20% who don't, not just don't get a vaginal birth, the complications could be worse. (Now that he said that… HOW TO EVEN TRY FOR VAGINAL BIRTH???)

Somehow, with vaginal births, there seems to be a greater deal of empowerment, recognition and support than mothers who had c-sections. It's like when I had to give birth to Isaac and asked D for a "push gift", he would ask me how I even qualify for it when I didn't even push. (Okay I didn't even do anything… I just lied there under GA)
It's like having vaginal birth without any medications ranks right up there, followed by vaginal births and only then comes c-sections.

After 3 c-sections (Btw, I only have ONE scar because it is always from the same place), I learnt quite a bit…

1) Having c-sections doesn't mean I failed as a mum
Just because I didn't deliver vaginally it didn't mean that I love my kids lesser than those who did. We still go through the same routine of waking through the night, fretting over the kids' growth, laughing at the child's success and crying over the times when we can't seem to get it right.

2) Focus on the baby not the birth
After 9 months of wait, I should be happy that I have one more child to love and love me. I should be happy that he/she is alive, healthy and "oh-so-adorable".  Regardless of how the baby came out of me, he/she is the star, not my birth.

3) Congratulate myself on a job well done
I once heard a guy who told me c-section was as painful as stitching his finger without any LA. (I just gave him the death scare and told him he's funny.. which of course, I did't mean it) And while I didn't feel any pain during delivery, the post delivery was terrible. I remembered on the second day after Isaac's birth I was just crying in the toilet when D was helping me with my bath because it was so f****** painful.
Here's a video of how C-section is carried out… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgOkMT3cdDI
It reminded the steak I have every now and then, and that's why even I can't finish watching it.
Point is, the body goes through a whole load of damage for c-section and to think that the birth is less than that of vaginal is really silly of me.

Humans have a very short memory for pain. Pain aside, I am just happy that we have the technology to make births possible. I could die from it… but thank God I survived it.