When we mistake God's sign

There are moments in the past that will always be replayed in my mind and while the last few months before Philip's passing was a blur to me, I remembered this scene very clearly. 

This was after Philip's brain surgery and the night before we realised that his abdomen was a little bloated and his testicles were a little swollen. It wasn't a good sign and that night we went to bed worried.

The next morning, I was getting ready to bring Philip to see the oncologist when Dan rushed home and showed me the reading of the day. He was very much filled with faith that Philip will be fine.  

I wasn't as sure as he was.. but I just went along with him because to me, even when I didn't have peace in my heart. 

This has been an internal struggle for Daniel for the first 10 months after Philip died... and since it is the first reading for today... I will share with you his reflection. :) 

The msg the Mister sent
me today

The First Reading today is a particularly difficult one for me as it brings back many memories. It’s a reading from the book of Judges. The story is how God called Gideon and what Gideon’s response was. In 2019 when Philip was very ill in hospital, I was very afraid that he would die and I remember asking God that fateful morning. Show me a sign that would tell me Philip’s fate. I was in the adoration room in the Church of the Holy Spirit, all alone and pleading with the Lord for a sign, just like Gideon did. 

The gist of the reading was “Do not be afraid, you will not die.” I cried as I took it to mean that Philip will not die then. 

As we all know, Philip passed away a couple of weeks later. I was shocked, horrified and indignant! Didn’t God give me a sign through the exact same reading 2 years ago? What happened to what He said to me? I was confused, angry, upset to say the least. That anger eventually led to indifference. If God’s will be done, why even seek my opinion? Why even bother to give me hope when there wasn’t to be any hope! Why lie to me? 

It took me a really long time and many struggles to come to the realisation that God’s plan will be done anyway, but we are called to “want” His plan for us. This calls for humility and obedience to His will. 

So it was with some trepidation that I re-read this morning’s First Reading. Gideon was called by the Lord to save His people Israel. But Gideon said that he was from the smallest tribe in Israel and the weakest member of his family. How could he even rise up against Israel’s enemies? It seemed so absurd and ridiculous! But God reassured him that He would go with Gideon and perform the works and power in Gideon’s behalf. Gideon of course didn’t believe and sought to ask for a sign (just like me). He made an offering of unleavened bread and lamb which the angel of the Lord caused to be burnt as a sign of the acceptance of Gideon’s offering to the Lord. Gideon then realised that he had seen the face of the angel of the Lord and in the Old Testament, anyone who sees the face of God or His angels will be struck down and die. But God reassured him that “Do not be afraid, you will not die!”

That perspective changed my thinking for now I know that God perhaps wants me to see His face and His will and go through His plan for me, but I need to trust Him and be obedient and docile to His plan for me, then I “will not die”. 

God always calls the weakest, the youngest, the one who in Man’s eyes are nothing, to be His instrument. He chose Moses, someone who couldn’t talk well; He chose David, the youngest and weakest child of Jesse. He chose Gideon and now He chooses you and me. Not to rely on our own strength and intellect but instead to put our own ego aside and just follow the promptings of the Spirit to do His will. 

God never calls the ready, He readies the called. We can come up with a million and one excuses not to do His will, but I ask you today to put aside your reason and human understanding, and just say “Yes” to Him today. “Not mine, but Thy Will be done”. You will be amazed by what will happen!

Marriage - A Testimony of God's Love

7 July was our ninth year anniversary. Beginning of the week, D told me that he had taken leave that evening so that we could go out for a nice dinner. All this would be a fairy tale if not for the fact that we actually argued on 5th July.

A bouquet for the
anniversary

D tried to make peace on the eve of our anniversary and gave me a bouquet of roses that night, but I was still upset and was hardly amused or touched by his surprise. That night, we both went to bed with the void in our hearts.

Friends and family wished us on our anniversary, we politely thanked them but truth is, we weren't at peace. We didn't talk to each other neither did we try. I was just too upset that he couldn't understand my plight when dealing with his parents and every time I saw him, I was reminded of the hurt. (So yes, the cold war has started)

A part of me was longing the intimacy and closeness we were enjoying before this, yet I refused forgiveness because I felt his efforts in understanding me and seeing my point of view weren't enough. We were due to present in Engaged Encounter a week from now, and were obviously not in the best position to share with couples about a God-centred marriage. Until one message from D made me realize, that he was also hurt in the process.

I was hurt, but that didn't give me the right to hurt him as well. Even before the kids and in-laws, I willingly chose to spend my life with him and he with me. We made a commitment 9 years back and through these years, the greatest struggle I had staying married wasn't money, parenting differences or even the in-laws (Surprise, surprise!). It was being willing to put his needs above mine. Those few days when I allowed myself to think about my needs and myself, I felt neither happiness nor peace. I was alone and worse, I was miserable. We still struggle and are clumsy with each other's feelings especially when other people are involved, and honestly, have not resolved these struggles.
So, yes, possibly tomorrow, the same thing could happen again and the whole cycle can repeat. But at least, we are given one more day to try again.

I see on social media that many seem to think that the greatest threat to marriage is society's definition of marriage and family nowadays. But it is not. The greatest threat to my marriage is… me. 

We can choose to continue to make the marriage a testimony of God's love to man or make it threaten other people's ideas of marriage and cause them to give up hope for love.
Everyday continues to present us temptations for the latter, but God has given us MORE than enough to make sure it doesn't. But it can only happen if we allow that to. :)

And to the man I chose 9 years ago, I love you… more than I did 9 years ago. It will be less than tomorrow though. And after all these years, I do… with all my heart. :)

Image from curiano.com

When Staying Married is anything but "common"...

Still one of my favorite pics
from our wedding...

Today D and I are 8 years old as husband and wife in the eyes of the church. I asked D what he thought the secret recipe in our marriage is, he looked at me with all seriousness and said it was him. Friends probably agree that he's probably my greatest fortune and I am his downfall… Since he's Mr Nice guy and really is adored by everyone. (Thanks guys… I'm sure if you asked him who the second messiah is, he would also say it is him)

Since the start of the blog, I have been reflecting on what I do as an impact on my kids and have hardly spend the time to reflect what I did as an impact on my spouse and I suppose the latter can't be less important than that of the former. 

While we both love each other dearly, we have our own struggles as with any typical family… Like how we would worry about the monthly expenses and the impending birth of no 4, or how we may not agree with the in laws (ok.. mostly me) while tackling it with sensitivity and respect, or how we sometimes are harsh to each other because of our words. 

The list goes on… And while we should not just wait till a special time of the year to reflect and appreciate each other like our birthdays or anniversaries, I am guilty of it.

But that's the unfortunate thing… We always forget to give our spouse the recognition that what he/she did made a difference in our lives or at least that day.

I remember one of my friends posted last year that she was delayed at work and the mr needed to wait 45 minutes for her. Out of concern, he called to check if she was okay, but she snapped at him for the call.

When she got into the car, she thought her day would end in an argument but to her surprise, the first thing he did was to lean over, kiss her and apologize (okay.. i don't know for what). The two hugged and despite a horrible day, he made it right for her. 

That post gathered over 100 likes (in my opinion it should have more… but that's not the point). And even as I re-write her post, such an act continues to put a tear in my eye...The point is, because of social media, we always tend to see things that seem to cause us to react… Anything to do with government, with the traditional view of family, with violence…. Just anything that will have two camps, we seem to follow and pay attention to it. No one seems to be keen on the "common" stuff… What's sadder is that these "common" stuff is not as common as we think. 

If I challenge any of you reading, to post for the next 7 days, on things that your spouse does that may seem ordinary, but yet makes a difference to you… Would you? 

Truth be told… Chances are you probably might… but it's probably going to be tough for you to look out for it… and because of that not post it. :) 

When D and I were preparing for our marriage, we went for a marriage preparation course which got us to write a betrothal pledge or love letter to each other. It basically is a pledge where we write to remind ourselves how to be life-giving to each other, to love the person how he needs to be loved, not how we want to. 

But it's been 8 years… And I haven't rewritten another love letter/pledge to him… and so… here goes..

Dear D,

It has been 8 wonderful years with you. Some days were easier than others but I would not have exchanged that for anything else.

And as we continue to journey as husband and wife, I would like to thank you for loving me for what seems to be a tall order. I admit putting up with me is probably not one of the easiest options you have made but thank you for doing so.

I know there are many things till now I still need to work on. 

I promise to be life-giving by considering your feelings and position whenever I can't see eye to eye with your parents. And even be more enthusiastic on family dinners and events.

I promise to be more patient and less grumpy when you ask me to do something that's out of my comfort zone even if it's for your convenience.

I promise to remember that your interests make a huge part of you and because of that I will put in the effort to enjoy and appreciate it or at least support you in it rather than putting you down for what I deem as impractical.

I promise to understand that you are trying and at times it isn't easy, and be more appreciative that you are shouldering all the pressures and stress outside so that we are able to pay the bills and a little more every month… something which I take for granted for. 

So thank you my dear, for humbling me and teaching me that someone like me also deserves to be loved.

You are truly a gift and because of you, I know God is real. :)

The Pursuit of Happiness - by D

Hi everyone, this a guest posting by D.
Happiness is a topic that has been hotly debated and always on everyone's mind. Here in Singapore, in my growing years and as an adult, we have always been exposed to views in the media that happiness meant material happiness; the 5 Cs: cars, cash, condo, country club and career.

And so it was that when I graduated and started my own business as a naive and doe-eyed individual, I never saw what was to hit me. My business flopped and I tried to move location to keep it afloat, incurring huge debts in the process. Things got so bad that at one point I didn't have any income for 6 months, my dear wife was expecting our daughter in a few months and there were mortgages and business loans to pay. Naturally I ended up in hospital twice in the middle of the night with stress-induced gastric attacks. Things looked bleak and happiness seemed so far away... My friends, on the other hand, had blossoming careers and I was wallowing in self-pity; until one day I received a revelation from a very unlikely source, the little-known B-grade movie The Legend of Bagger Vance. 

Will Smith and Matt Damon were the leads of this movie. Matt Damon was a prodigious golfer who was winning awards until he hit a rough patch. Will Smith appeared from out of the woods one day and became his caddy and life coach. One scene which remained etched in my mind was when Matt Damon was playing a major tournament and his nerves were getting the better of him, so much so that he was making amateur errors and failing to keep pace with the leaders. Will Smith told him to deliberately hit his golf ball out of bounds so that he would effectively take himself off the pace of the competition and he could play his own game. He did just that, went from strength to strength, and won the tournament.

I closed my business, sucked it up, kept my head down, started working seven days a week and paid off the bad debts. I played my own game and was no longer concerned about whether other people were soon better or worse than me. I had found my nirvana.

I learnt many valuable lessons in that time. My wife and children were my biggest joys and this really was the true happiness that was all along under my nose. They gave me great strength to persevere and at the end of a hard day, just the sight of your children running up to you to greet and hug you is enough to sustain and nourish you. When you have to fight for a greater cause than yourself, you know you will not fail.

In the movie of the same title as this blog post, Will Smith fights tooth and nail to ensure survival for his son and himself. I personally find it a very moving and powerful movie. When you fight for the survival and a greater cause than yourself, you will succeed. 

I have learnt many lessons in my short lifetime. Man proposes but sometimes God disposes; to make you learn certain lessons and to show you the true meaning in life, sometimes you just have to learn the hard way. 

I wanted to fast-track my career but He made me learn Patience. I wanted riches but he showed me unconditional Love from my family, which is far more valuable than any worldly riches. He opened my eyes to how nasty people can be, even your own friends and ex-business partners who will not hesitate to take advantage of you; and I resolved never to be like them. 

Happiness is not a destination, it is a decision. You decide your own happiness and find your own joy in the mundane grind of life. Get rid of old baggages and see the beauty of the world and Life! My true happiness is knowing I get to see and spend quality time with my family, doing things for people who cannot repay you.

I genuinely delight when people do well in their careers and family. I do not profess to be a sage and have all the answers in life, but like you, I am still trying...

To quote the great Lee Kuan Yew: "At the end of the day, what I cherish most are the human relationships. With the unfailing support of my wife and partner I have lived my life to the fullest. It is the friendships I made and the close family ties I nurtured that have provided me with that sense of satisfaction at a life well lived, and have made me what I am."

I live my life according to two mantras: "Illegitimi Non Carborundum" and "No Regrets, Not Now, Not Ever", as I go about the pursuit of Happyness....