Picking Up the Pieces, Picking Up my Cross

Dearest Philip,

How are you in heaven? Have you been busy testing your wings in your free time or have you been swamped with prayer requests during your "working hours"?

It's been almost a year since we last met. Despite the reasons to smile and be grateful for, there hasn't been a day when mummy stopped thinking or missing you. 

Since your passing, (other than having another baby 😅) I did many things to deal with your absence. I stayed away from big gatherings so that I didn't need to deal with pitiful or sympathetic conversations, I stayed away from babies who are similar to your age so as not to be reminded of my loss, I even locked myself in my own cocoon so that I didn't need to wear any mask to cover the rawness of the pain.

I have heard many people commenting that time will heal the pain. To that, I have learnt to just smile and keep quiet. Maybe they are right.. maybe they have experienced something in life that I have yet to learn, or maybe it's just that they are really blessed to not have lost something that mattered more than life to them. 

But the biggest struggle I had after you died ironically wasn't dealing with your absence but with my own guilt. 

I had always wondered if I had done enough for you, if I had really shown you in my capacity how much I love you. The night before your death, daddy and I even dressed ourselves up to attend a function because we didn't want to dampen the spirits of the people who were there. And even though we left 5 minutes into the start of the event, I'd always wondered if you had blamed me for not being around you more. Not many people knew this, but the reason why I never opened the casket during your wake was because the c-pap mask that you wore during the last days of your life had caused an abrasion and a dent at your nose area which I only noticed it after they removed the mask when they died. You must have been really uncomfortable during that time but I wasn't able to offer any consolation. You were left on the hospital ward for quite some time because daddy and I couldn't find your original birth certificate and because of that you couldn't be transferred to the mortuary. 

At times I read about stories of children going through the same cancer as you. Most of them don't make it but because they underwent chemotherapy and radiation, they did live longer. And I wondered too if our lives would be different if I had chosen the chemo route for you. 

I replayed your last few months in my head throughout the year and always wondered did we do enough  for you and more importantly did we tell you enough that we love you. 

The gospel today reminded me a very harsh truth what being a disciple meant - to carry my cross daily. Darling, unfortunately you will always be my cross I would need to bear till I die. When you died last year, a part of me died together with you. 

And even though you were with us for only 6 months, you truly taught me so much more than what I have learnt in my whole life. When the doctors told me about your diagnosis, it was not only the first time I actually felt any concrete pain in life, but the first time I had experienced the cross. My faith was crumbling and there were moments when I doubted the goodness of God. 

Because of you, I have learnt to understand the phrase "not my will but yours be done". On the day of your funeral, not only did I bury you, I also needed to bury my disappointments and my dreams I had for you. But I came to learn that while there was nothing wrong with my hopes and dreams, God just had a very different plan and vocation for you. And it was through you, mummy learnt to ask for strength to surrender. 

It didn't take me long to realise that nothing will ever be possible to fill the void you left behind. It's ironic, but human logic of finding something else to fill the void doesn't help in the healing. Healing ironically came when mummy decided to give away more of her heart to those around her.

Because of this pain I experienced, I have learnt to reach out to more people who are struggling with a little more humility and compassion. And each time when they opened their lives and hearts to me, that small part of my heart starts to become alive again.

I have learnt to be okay with God's choice of not healing you, because even though I am your mummy, I know that He loves you more than I do. Thank you baby, for jumpstarting my relationship with God, for teaching me in a very concrete manner how to submit to my daily cross. 

It's been one year since I last saw you... but it's also one year closer to meeting you again. So until I get my chance to hold you again, I promise you that mummy is going to live her life and laugh again. And know that every breath I take, I'll be taking one for you. 💕

Always missing you,

Mummy. 

P a few weeks before he died

Yikes! Change is about to happen!

Just one more sleep and what I am used to for the past 3 years will all be changed. Like many, I'd always thought that since I've been through it so many times, everything would be under control and honestly this would be child's play for me. After all, the whole process remains the same - wake up early, go for breakfast, relax a little, check into hospital, prep for surgery and get heavily sedated and when I wake up in 1hrs time, I get myself a new baby. (Like honestly, how complicated can life be? *tsk*)

But strangely, I'm not sure if I can say I was most confident this time. It could be the fear for the post surgery recovery, because I know how painful it can be. Or maybe I was from 2 helpers to down with no helper at all until yesterday when the replacement helper came and hopefully the other one comes back later today (yes on the day when I deliver). It could be also because just a few days ago I was down with flu and am probably still struggling with a little stomach flu. Or it could be maybe from the anxiety that my youngest girl will no more be the baby of the family already and I'm pushing her to grow up to be a sister (yes I still get the guilty feeling even after so many kids!). Or that maybe the mister is down with flu STILL (and that's how I fall sick) and on the night before I deliver I'm spending some time alone doing my reflection, rather than a movie night and quiet time with the mister.

Yup... as you can see things haven't been going as planned. And the irony? This pregnancy is the one which I had prayed the hardest, go church more often and had a lot more people praying for me than the other pregnancies. Should I not have prayed? Could it be an easier and smoother journey? Shouldn't prayer help in easing one's fear? What went wrong?

Unfortunately, truth of the matter is, just because I prayed harder it didn't mean that I had the trump card of being God and get to do things according to my plan or my choice. The Evil one would use every opportunity to tell and tempt me to be angry with God and to stop praying cuz obviously it hasn't been providing much consolation or so it seems. The Holy Spirit on the other hand continues to ask me to be patient and tells me it's not about me but to be faithful and just say Yes to being loved and carried by God.

Back at Home...

Feeling so overwhelmed, I actually went to the adoration room after dinner yesterday and just sat in front of the Holy Eucharist to pour out all my anxieties and somehow started to cry. (hormones maybe) I didn't realize one can be so close to God and yet so fearful at the same time. But the best thing about crying is that God knows too that I've reached my limit and He will take over from here since there is no more resistance from me to try to be in control and stay in charge. The Evil one also knows that there's no point in trying to be around because the harder he tries to be funny, the harder I will pray and that's really not what he wants too.

God's peace comes after every storm and it strangely doesn't need to make any grand entrance. Truth be told, God was present throughout the whole pregnancy. Like how my helper situation could be a mess but at least He sent me a great replacement which seems to be able to hold the fort for the time being, plus my mum was around to help me here and there with the kids so I could rest and nurse my flu. I may not have gotten many things my way, but because of this, many have used this as a reason to pray and found inspiration to be close to Him. To help with post surgery recovery, He's blessed me with a masseur who is able to come right after my surgery to help me feel better faster. And because He knows I've been anxious, He's been getting many guardian angels to send me personal love messages and prayers along the way to cheer me up and encourage me.

And even though I pray that He could give me a miraculously painless birth, I forget that the more I look at myself, the more I forget that He is the same God that managed to feed thousands with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes, heal the blind and sick and even raise the dead... He IS so mighty and all I could do was just to limit Him to my fears and plans. If God had really been given the control of my life, how much greater can it be? The opposite of fear is not exactly courage, it's just stop saying No to God.

Trust me, it's not a bad feeling. And so I say to you.... Peace be with You. :)

Disciplining with Faith

In my social media posts, I tend to pick the happier pictures of the family... because
1. it's social media (and it's 90% fake news or at least it only shows a glimpse of what happens 10% of the day) and
2. who even has the mood to pose and take photos when things are bad *tsk*

One of our favorite activities together

Yet amidst the laughter, we have our struggles with our kids. The toughest part of parenting for me, isn't the pregnancy, recovery and breastfeeding (I speak from experience), sitting down and studying with them (it's still painful though), dealing with their tantrums in public (thank God for thick skin) or even dealing with the different styles of raising your kids with your spouse or in laws (no explanation needed). The worse for me is really when one needs to exert discernment in discipling.

You see, disciplining can result in many things... you can have really great outcomes where they listen to you (and we all live happily ever after), when they don't agree with you and defy you (and you don't know what goes on inside their minds) or when you are not even confident if you did the right thing even. So as you can see the majority of disciplining (for me) ends with something... negative, which means chances are after a disciplining session, I might
(a) lose my temper
(b) end up with at least 1 angry kid
(c) end up in tears at night wondering if I could have done things differently

Yesterday was one of the days when I was tested again. We had pledged $12 to a friend's kid's school fundraising campaign the day before which the mister had passed to Julian to place in the donation envelope, but the parents went home that night and told us that they only had the $2 and according to their daughter, Julz had taken $10 and kept it. Knowing how much he's fascinated by money, it is possible that it happened.

Last night, D was out for class and I was home alone with the kids. I asked Julz about the $10 and he told me that he had given to the girl that day and wasn't sure what happened to it subsequently.  After checking with my other kids, they all said the same version and he didn't play with it later. Since the $10 was missing in my house, it's obvious it had to be somewhere at home. Got everyone to look for it, but it was in vain.

I checked with my friend if his daughter could remember where she might last saw it, but no one could (sign that $10 nowadays isn't a big thing). My dear friends, would you trust your child or would you trust otherwise given the lack of evidence?

I made the painful decision of forfeiting $10 from Julz piggy bank. (Remember, this child of mine loves money). Julian cried, not because I asked him to bring down his piggy bank, but because I scolded him. I know this boy of mine isn't the best behaved kid amongst the 4 but when he is wrongly accused, that's his normal reaction. And my mother's instinct told me that (thankfully) he didn't take the money. But I wanted him to know that he needed to pay the price of not doing his job properly. Julian saves $2 each day because he doesn't believe in spending too much in school and he enjoys seeing his money grow, so $10 was probably a big thing for him. When he took the money out and passed me, my heart ached. I was holding back my tears and tried to look away so he won't see any trace of my eyes being wet.

The apology note he wrote

I explained to him that while it may not have been his fault entirely, it was because of his irresponsibility and oversight that got him into this. I think he understood it and a part of me was glad he could be detached enough to let go of his $10 for this.

We sat down that night and I got him to write a note too to the couple friends, because he was rude to them and since he was receptive, why not?
We ended with a hug and a kiss and said the night prayers with the rest of the other kids.

When the mister got home, he told me he would have waived the $10 but I disagreed. My argument is that, unlike God, we cannot be around all the time to get him out of situations like these. But we did agree to reimburse him on a later date on a separate occasion.

Everything seemed fine, but I went to bed with a heavy heart. If it was the right thing to do, why would my heart feel the ache? Parenting is never for the weak hearted and our views and decisions made can never be perfect, but as a catholic, the only consolation is I can always turn to the Perfect one who probably has tonnes of experience coping with disciplining... from afar.

A priest friend once told me that God has by far the greatest experience of dealing with children who defy and walk away from Him. He has also felt the greatest pain of sending His innocent child to die on the cross for the greatest sinner amongst us... (Think Hitler and whoever). But I suppose I'm luckier than Him since I can physically hug and kiss my child and remind him I still love him and not leave it to "faith".

You may not agree with how I handled it, and I don't claim to be an expert on disciplining kids even though I have 4 (and soon 5).

I shared before in my social media post that one of the blessings of having kids is the fact I'm seen more on bended knees before the cross, became more humble and more human. The best thing I could do last night was to go to bed, and pray that even if I didn't get the gift of wisdom, I hoped that my kids got the gift of understanding...

I hope God answered that. :)

When good kids do bad things...

Taken from instagrammer
@Maybemicha

No matter how hard we try, we can never shield and protect our kids enough. And even if we did succeed at home, that doesn't mean our kids will be in that bubble in school. We just pray and hope that what we have enforced at home is enough to guide them through their choices in school. From deciding on what they eat during breaks, what they spend their school money on and more importantly who they hang out with. (And chances are, as a parent, you might disagree with most of their choices they make... it's normal. :P)

We managed to transfer A to a "better" Catholic school at the beginning of Primary 3. On hindsight, I didn't realise that cliques have been formed since P1, especially in a girls school, and unless my child is a Ms. Popular, breaking into these groups, would be tough. 

She did make friends though, just that the closer ones are probably not the ideal ones, but we thought that as long as she has friends, we really should just close an eye on it. Unfortunately, halfway through the year, we got a call from her teacher saying that A was called into the principal's office because of her friend's mischief... and A had become an accomplice.

We never believed in using the cane in our household, but of course that day, the mister was very tempted to use it. I was shocked and besides getting upset with A for this, was even more disappointed that I was really nothing but a lousy mummy.

What had gone wrong? D and I have a great marriage, so it can't be the kids are insecure that their family will break up. We are not rich but we are not depriving them of any opportunities, so they won't be left out. We have our family time, and I do spend every afternoon preparing their meals and revising their work. But when something had happened, no matter what the parents had done, it is just... not enough. (and yes.... even good kids can do bad things too)

We did talk to her about her choices and our thoughts on it. She seemed to get it and we left it as that.

Unfortunately, A came home using vulgarities one day. It started with "What the..."(of which we would always tell her to mind her language) but very soon that became "F^&K". (Great... how did my baby grow into a teenager within nine months)

Truth be told, in many of my crossroads in parenting, I usually turn to google first for answers. "How to discipline my child for vulgarities" or "My ten-year old is swearing... help". I did find comfort that I'm not the only parent having this issue (yay????) but the unfortunate thing is most do not have an 'answer' or solution for you. (Some even tell you that since you can't help it, why not swear in front of them too? Like... seriously?)

Both D and I were stumped. We tried taking turns to talk to her, we tried taking away "privileges" and I even had to explain to her what the word was about. Still, not long after, she progressed to showing her middle finger. (Kill me now...) All these time, praying to God to help me through this amongst the other hurdles of motherhood.

The message advert I got!

Finally, I think God pitied me and I received an sms from a mummy whose boy was in the same kindergarten as A. It was about a programme for girls who are aged 9-12 to meet once a week for an activity either like craft, culinary, sport or even community projects to the old folks home. It was initiated some time ago by a group of mothers who thought that they had wanted to come together with activities that could focus on virtues and values rather than societal norms. (God bless these mothers) They have one for older girls and another programme for boys only. If you are a catholic, you would be happy to know that every two weeks, a priest will be there to hear confession. 

IF you know me, I am one who plans the kids activities due to convenience and this was really out of my comfort zone since it's near Pasir Panjang, where NUS is. But because I really thought this may be good for A, I decided to go for this. 

I dropped her a few weeks back for the first session and stayed outside with some parents for some impromptu fellowship. When the session was over,  I was curious to find out how she found it. She actually loved it and didn't mind to go more! (In case you are wondering it's $10/session or $150/half a year just to cover cost). I personally felt that was my best find of the year, and I was really grateful that after praying for so long, I managed to find some sort of relief and answer.

The upcoming activity they will be doing! 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say that this programme is the solution. A's behaviour is an ongoing test on my patience and possibly my reason to why I may go to heaven, but in the midst of my struggles and helplessness, God never left me, He just waited for me to be less anxious and humbler in my invitation to ask Him what to do.

So now, if you asked me, as a parent, what do we do when our kids keep doing something bad. Again, my answer isn't perfect but if there's one thing I have learnt is that during those months of us trying to discipline her for her "shortfalls", I only highlighted the negatives. Truth be told, any kid with some form of intellect, would know what is right and what is wrong. So me emphasising that is really pointless, though we do maintain that one of the rules in the house is no vulgarities.
However, on hindsight, I realised that instead of breathing down her neck on how she should behave, what values she was lacking on, 'punishing and disciplining' her on her misbehaviour, a better way was to highlight OTHER possibilities of how girls can behave well, how other people interact, what girls her age can do, how girls can carry themselves and possibly what kind of friends she could find.

This entry may also not be the solution you as a parent are looking for, but I hope you realise.. the secret ingredient in whatever solution you have is love... :) 

Modeling the Model Diagram

I remember when I was learning to be a teacher, the math professor gave the class of trainee teachers a Primary 4/5 question. She wanted us to solve the question with model drawing. There were about twenty of us, with different backgrounds and age groups. The time given was 15 min. None of us managed to solve it. NONE. Mind you, all of us were university graduates. 

It's been almost 10 years since then and since then, I always believed that it does help kids with their Math. Unfortunately, most people I speak to, don't agree with me. There was a mother whom I met at a school's event recently who actually dissuaded her girl from drawing the model as she thought it was a waste of time. 

Audrey is P3 this year, and it's also this year that her teacher is requiring the class to do their models in the Math sums. I naively thought P3 Math means simple math questions = simple intro to model diagrams = a piece of cake. 

I was wrong. I should have known that the hardest thing to teach are always the basics. Audrey came home with a math worksheet one day, which required her to do her model diagram and solve the questions. It was already painful to see her come up with a diagram because she was quite particular about being neat and later erase all away because she didn't get it. After 30 minutes, she was still at the first (unsolved) question. I tried to do it slow with her, but she was not getting it. After a while, I gave up and basically did her homework with her. (I 'taught' and she wrote) Because we again had an unpleasant learning experience together, I felt lousy and was up the whole night thinking of what I could do to change things. 

We went back to basics  of the model diagram after school one day. So far it has worked for me. And in case you are one of those who were born too early for the model diagram method, see if this works for you. 

1) I did away with the drawing of the diagram

I used strips of construction papers (4 colors would be safe since so far, I haven't used more than 3 colors) of standard varying lengths. I halved a strip for the pink and further halved the lengths for the orange and blue respectively. Whilst the green I divided the paper into threes.

I did this for many reasons. Firstly, it was less time consuming for Audrey to present her model and secondly I'm not sure if it was just her, but she couldn't see at times that certain parts need to be the same (because it represents the same amount) and certain parts need to be longer proportionately to represent a greater amount.

2) She only shows me the diagram

This doesn't mean she doesn't solve the question, but my focus was really the diagram and not her working. The diagram is essentially a working and while she doesn't need to do her working, I still ask her what her steps are.

I got her to do on her white board from school since I really didn't want to keep wasting paper and I thought it was easier to erase any mistakes with the duster than the eraser.

3) Step-by-step intro to model diagram

With all my materials prepared, I had a step-by-step demo. I showed her an example, guided her on the next and let her do the second. She fumbles sometimes, but with practice she does get it.

In short, this is how you show it:

a) Translate line by line of the question to the diagram. (It helps to break down the question. If sometimes the first line does not help much, you can use the second line to help) 

b) Labeling  (It helps to understand the premise of the question)

c) "Layering": When comparing the strips, all similarities must be found in the model (it helps the child to relate to the question)

The above shows an example of how "layering" works. Comparing the first and third strips with the second, the difference is shown by the green and orange strips respectively. However, since the green is longer than the orange strip, it would also mean that the green strip consist of the orange portion inside it. Visually, it helps the child to see which has the most and by how much. 

d) Finally, indicate the question with a question mark (It helps to understand what we are finding out)

Here's an example:

There were 15 more pupils in Class 3A than in Class 3B. 20 pupils from Class 3B moved to Class 3A. How many more pupils were there in Class 3A than Class 3B in the end?

Starting from top left to right.

I always tell Audrey to approach the question line by line since most of the questions are pretty straight-forward. (There are some questions which you do not work on the first line, but because it won't be 'basics' I won't be talking about it here. If you do want to know how to do it, let me know, and I can always share it)

As you can see, she used the green strip to represent 20 pupils from Class 3B in the second picture and immediately did the "layering" step of placing it in the first strip as well. She then "moves" the 20 students to the first strip by adding another green strip to it, while indicating using a dotted line that the students have moved to the first class. (I would tell her to cover the bottom green strip so that she would remember that the 20 students are no more in that class, allowing her to see the 'excess' students  in 3A as compared to 3B)

Obviously, it's not possible to use the strips in a pencil and paper exam mode. Only after she is comfortable moving the colored strips, I would let her attempt drawing it out. 

Yes I know, the question mark for the diagram is missing :P

And I am proud to say, she is slowly becoming a little expert in model drawing. :P

I know it's a little wordy today… Nonetheless, I hope it has helped you to help your child a little. :) Let me know if it did!!!

Marriage - A Testimony of God's Love

7 July was our ninth year anniversary. Beginning of the week, D told me that he had taken leave that evening so that we could go out for a nice dinner. All this would be a fairy tale if not for the fact that we actually argued on 5th July.

A bouquet for the
anniversary

D tried to make peace on the eve of our anniversary and gave me a bouquet of roses that night, but I was still upset and was hardly amused or touched by his surprise. That night, we both went to bed with the void in our hearts.

Friends and family wished us on our anniversary, we politely thanked them but truth is, we weren't at peace. We didn't talk to each other neither did we try. I was just too upset that he couldn't understand my plight when dealing with his parents and every time I saw him, I was reminded of the hurt. (So yes, the cold war has started)

A part of me was longing the intimacy and closeness we were enjoying before this, yet I refused forgiveness because I felt his efforts in understanding me and seeing my point of view weren't enough. We were due to present in Engaged Encounter a week from now, and were obviously not in the best position to share with couples about a God-centred marriage. Until one message from D made me realize, that he was also hurt in the process.

I was hurt, but that didn't give me the right to hurt him as well. Even before the kids and in-laws, I willingly chose to spend my life with him and he with me. We made a commitment 9 years back and through these years, the greatest struggle I had staying married wasn't money, parenting differences or even the in-laws (Surprise, surprise!). It was being willing to put his needs above mine. Those few days when I allowed myself to think about my needs and myself, I felt neither happiness nor peace. I was alone and worse, I was miserable. We still struggle and are clumsy with each other's feelings especially when other people are involved, and honestly, have not resolved these struggles.
So, yes, possibly tomorrow, the same thing could happen again and the whole cycle can repeat. But at least, we are given one more day to try again.

I see on social media that many seem to think that the greatest threat to marriage is society's definition of marriage and family nowadays. But it is not. The greatest threat to my marriage is… me. 

We can choose to continue to make the marriage a testimony of God's love to man or make it threaten other people's ideas of marriage and cause them to give up hope for love.
Everyday continues to present us temptations for the latter, but God has given us MORE than enough to make sure it doesn't. But it can only happen if we allow that to. :)

And to the man I chose 9 years ago, I love you… more than I did 9 years ago. It will be less than tomorrow though. And after all these years, I do… with all my heart. :)

Image from curiano.com

When Chocolates Become a Lesson on Money

We got an email from Audrey's school yesterday telling us that her form teacher would be leaving and another teacher would be taking over the class.

On the way out for dinner, we discussed with Audrey how it would be nice to give her teacher a small present to wish her all the best in her future endeavors. Audrey agreed and thought she should get chocolates.

And who doesn't like Lindt? 

After dinner, we went to the chocolate section in the supermarket and she zoomed in to something that she thought was nice and would make a great gift. (See the picture on the right)

We agreed that it was and told her that since it was her teacher, we would be loaning her the amount and she could repay us everyday from her pocket money. Audrey was stunned. She immediately went back to check the price of the chocolates and put it back on the shelf. 

She then went through the whole chocolate section only this time she looked not just at the packaging but at the price as well. D and I smiled at each other. He of course quipped that at least she didn't pick up the $1.20 ones… but truth be told she saw a kit-kat at $0.70 and wanted to get it for the teacher which I of course told her she could get it only if she appreciates her teacher that much.. Fortunately, she put that back as well.

So here's the second choice. 

It's not too bad, but we told her, the price should not be the only factor when deciding on a gift. We got her to imagine herself as a recipient and to choose something that she actually enjoys and she would like the other person to enjoy that too. (To be fair, Audrey hasn't really eaten Dairy Milk chocolates before… I'm not sure why…) 

She put the chocolates back and went on looking for something she was okay with the price and something she knows she would like. (All this happen of course with the two younger boys running around the supermarket going crazy and asking us if their sister could buy them chocolates… *rolls eyes*)

Finally, she decided on something she liked and even gave some thought as to why she thought her teacher might like it.

Not too bad right????

There were three flavors - Cookies and cream, Milk chocolate with almonds and Milk chocolate. We asked her which we should get for her teacher, and she chose the plain milk chocolate since there is "more chocolate and who doesn't like more chocolate". 

In case you thought that this decision process is completed, it hasn't. She said she needed a card to give as well. We gave her two choices. One was to buy a card from the bookshop which would be another $4 or so or she could go home and make a nice one for the teacher. Without thinking, she said she will go back and make it. (D and I laughed at her decision)

On the way home, we discussed with how much would she be paying D everyday for the loan. Her pocket money is $2/day, of which $0.20 is put in her savings and another $0.20 is set aside for church offerings on Sundays, so which means she is left with $1.60. We worked on $0.40, $0.80 and $1.00. But D was a little concern if we got her to return $1/day she would not have enough to spend in school.  So we told her not to push it and choose something she was okay to part with. (Of course the boys overheard and told her to pay mummy and not daddy… HAHAHA. I am also not sure why?!?)

After doing her card and packing her bag, she agreed that she would pay $0.40 a day and worked out a repayment schedule with me. 

So every morning, when daddy fetches her to school, she will give him $0.40 and it was her responsibility to give it and not to be asked, which she agreed.

That night, we knew she must have felt the pinch when she actually had to pay for something from her own pocket and we reminded her that before she so decides to ask her grandparents for something she fancies in future to think if it was really necessary. 

After the kids had gone to bed at night, I began to reflect if I had actually taught my kids on the concept of money. Both D and I have never really involved them in our financial decisions to be honest. Something simple like when we host a dinner or even plan a holiday, the kids do not sit with us to discuss why we had paid a certain amount on our choices. Yet, these decisions, as simple and natural as we think, are never common to kids, which just means those decisions that were 5 seconds long in the past may become 5 minutes in future… but if that would make them more aware about money, that's a good investment isn't it? :)

Mixed Seafood Noodles Recipe

Don't worry this is not going to turn into a food blog. But I just came across this recipe, tried it, modified it and LOVED it. SO if you are like me, trying to figure what to cook for your family at times, why not consider this?

Tada!! Seafood Noodles!!!

This is the end result. And here's the ingredients. (Okies, I'm not a professional chef so my estimation is just as estimation. You could always modify it :))

Ingredients (Quantity up to you):

1) Prawns (Frozen or fresh)

2) Crispy Pork 

3) Sotong

4) Quail Eggs (Do small sunny side ups with this!)

5) 1 packet of Pasta (I used linguine but you may choose to any type of noodles!!)

(Pan fry the prawns, pork and sotong and set aside)

Sauce:

1) 200g of Palm Sugar

2) Water 200ml

3) Oyster Sauce 50ml

4) Maggi Liquid Seasoning 100ml 

5) Hoisin Sauce (1 tablespoon)

6) Kecap Manis (2 tablespoon)

7) Apple Cider Vinegar (1 tablespoon)

Looking really yummy!!

Boil the water in a pot and throw in the palm sugar. When it is all melted, throw in the rest of the remaining sauces. Bring to a boil and simmer for 10 minutes. (You may want to add some more sugar if you find it too saltish)

In a heated wok, pour in 6 ladles of the mixed sauce and throw in the pasta and all the other cooked ingredients. Fry and mix it until all the sauce has been soaked in the sauce! (You may add more sauce along the way if you want!)

You may sprinkle spring onions and add some cooked shallots! 

My family loved it (and that's close to 10 people!)… let me know if yours do too! :D

Parenthood Resolutions for 2016

I had lunch with some girlfriends yesterday. Within the group, there were 2 pregnant ladies (In case you are wondering… it's not me) and 2 who were engaged. So naturally the topics we talked about mainly revolved around motherhood and marriage.

It was surreal talking to them because we are all the same age but I had the most number of kids (okay… but it's really quite hard to find someone who has the same number of kids at my age) and was married the longest. So suddenly, I was like the grandmaster in the group (My brief moment of pride :P)

That night, after putting the kids to bed, I sat and wondered what I would do differently since it was the start of the new year and before the year pass me by again, I thought, I shouldn't just let the regret build up.

1. Assure the second youngest child in the family
The kids don't sleep on their own unless the grandparents stay over. So usually, the older two sleeps with the dad while the younger two sleep with me. (Isn't it amazing that even when we don't sleep on the same bed, we still managed to have 4 kids??)

Julz holding on to my hand
during TV time...

There was a period when after Kyra was out, Julian was "forced" to learn to be independent and do what the older two do. I have to admit there was a period where he did have some insecurities and was feeling threatened by no. 4. But because I was so caught up with the newborn, I overlooked it. Just recently, I started my habit again of being beside him  just before he sleeps at night. I would just pump out my milk, pass it to the helper who will handle Kyra while I spend that few minutes with him, kissing him and talking to him for a short while before he sleeps.
On hindsight, I realized ever since I started doing that, he's been less disruptive and demanding. Just because he is a big brother to kyra, I often forget he is still only 4. Maybe it's because he's starting to act his age. Or maybe because we went back to quality time with him. Whatever it is, if spending 15 minutes a day at night would give me the chance to remind him I love him as much still, I will grab it.

2. Letting kids play with the simple things
Thanks to the move, I am forced to pack and unpack many things. It's unbelievable how just within a year, we can accumulate so many things. Amongst them… toys. Because they are the only grandchildren for both, when one gets a toy all get a toy too. (The problem is they are not sharing a toy) So for example, I have 3 lion heads because of Chinese New Year, X number of trucks, Y number of balls and the list goes on. Somehow, when we went forth to multiply, the toys also did too. (And no… we are not the ones who have been indulging them)
To be fair, they don't just love playing with play dough and lego, they really just love playing. For example, our sofa cushions contain feathers. Through the years, due to wear and tear, we get some feathers poking through the fabric and escaping. One day, both Isaac and Julian just took a loose feather each, threw it up and tried to catch it. It later progressed to them letting it go in front of the fan and catching it before it touches the ground. (I have to say that took some skill)
They spent quite some time entertaining themselves with it until it was time to bathe. I was proud that they discovered that game and was prouder to see them modifying the game. It could jolly well be a plastic bag, a tissue, cardboard box or even erasers. The amount of laughter and fun they got from it was no less than the toy they were given. The difference is one teaches them to find opportunities in ordinary things, the other just feeds their immediate impulse.

3. Take more photos
I may have a camera function in my phone, but I am really bad in taking photos of the kids. I always reckon that it really takes a lot of effort going after each kid and taking photos of all 4 kids. But I do recognize that, these growing up moments are best captured and framed in pictures. So I decided that since I do a lousy job taking pictures, I should let the kids do it for me. Hence, I probably go visit cash convertors and get three second hand cameras for the kids. D and I are planning to go Bangkok for a family trip this March (God bless us). And the kids will be allowed to take photos of the sights that excite them. We probably talk about their pictures before they sleep and save it into an album. (I just hope that they practice the value of responsibility and look after the cameras) But it may be fun… so why not? :)

4. Be more aware of my emotions when disciplining the kids
Compared to D, I am more short-fused. Unfortunately for the kids, I am also the disciplinarian. It took me 8 years and 4 kids (and age) to mellow down. Now when I am feeling frustrated with the kids, I'd always wondered how I look from the kids' perspective, or what emotions I might have manifested from the way they look and respond to me. I do worry and wonder if all they see D and I as the fun parent and the angry one.

Image from www.wsj.com

Just a few days ago, I asked Audrey whether she had any homework from school. In both times I asked, she said no. I left it alone and went ahead to do the packing of the house. My mother-in-law came and within minutes of checking, she found out that Audrey had some work to be done. I gave Audrey the death scare. I was angry at her for lying. She knew grandma was there and immediately went to her for refuge and cried. That made it worse. It didn't help that grandma was trying to come up with an excuse for her. I stood my ground, scolded her and told her to go up to my room with me. When she was finally up, she stopped crying. (What a great actress she is) I admitted to her that because of what she did, I was very upset with her then and she should quietly do her work while I cool down before I thought I could talk to her calmly. Within minutes, I felt better and was able to help her in her work. In between, she even shared about that day's school's performance. After her work is done, I had a word with her on being responsible with her work. She acknowledged she could do better and we ended the session with a hug and a kiss.

It is tough to be a poker player when it comes to your kids. But if they aren't a good enough reason to be a better person, then what is?

5. Carry them more
I've stopped carrying my first two because they are just way tooooo heavy for me. But with Kyra and Julian, I am glad that I still have the chance of lugging my koalas around. Very soon, they too with grow big and I won't be able to carry them anymore… But before that time comes, I too should really hold and hug them more in my arms.

6. Have more faith
The gospel last Sunday was about the wedding at Cana. In case, you aren't too sure what the reading is about, there was a wedding which Jesus and his mother attended. Unfortunately, the host ran out of wine and this was brought to Jesus' attention. He told the servants to then fill the jars with water. And when the servants took the water from the jars, it became wine. Better than the original wine which was served.
I'm not sure if anyone ever wondered what will happen to the servants if they had served water to the guests. The truth is, whatever they did, they acted because they had faith in Christ. (even if they didn't know he was christ, I mean that was his first miracle after all!)
It's reminders like these that I am ashamed at myself for not believing that regardless what situation, I have enough grace to go through it.

I have made my choice to work on these. I'm not sure if I will be able to succeed but at least working on it is a start. What about you? :)

Growing as a Parent

Heaven is a place called home.. (image from
www.billingualmonkeys.com)

Every time when I meet with friends, they are all amazed that I am surviving with four kids. I don't regret having them and I always tell my friends that until you have them, you will truly understand the immense joy they bring. Truth be told, even with four kids, I still get tested, feel helpless, and yes, motherhood makes me feel lousy at times.

Just a couple of months back, while playing with each other, Audrey kicked Julian in the balls. Julian's privates swelled up a great deal and he was crying and screaming. I spent the next few hours bringing him around the clinics to make sure all is good. (As a general rule, apparently as long as it isn't painful when you press and peeing isn't a problem, it should be okay)

I took Audrey and Julian out from school the next day and wanted them spend some time together and hopefully maybe talk to them about being nicer to each other. I planned for Slappy Pancakes that morning and thought the kids would have enjoyed themselves making breakfast together.
However, I should have known, there's no such thing as "go as planned" with kids. Before we could leave the house, the two argued because one didn't share a piece of paper with the other.

Throughout the whole journey there, I had to spend the time discussing with them about their actions. While Audrey was okay, it didn't sit well with Julian. When we got out of the car, Julian was throwing a tantrum. He was screaming and shouting and didn't want to join us at the table. He wanted us to leave. Fortunately, that day I was given enough grace to be cool about it and sat at the table with Audrey ordering our ingredients. Julian was still sulking at the corner and once in a while, he would be shouting things like "I don't like mummy anymore", or "Mummy is stupid" (Honestly, if he was not my kid, I would have smacked him upside down) Through it all, I would invite him still to come and join us when he is ready, however he still chose not to. (I should be given sainthood for this)

Sitting and sulking in a corner...

And because there was no reaction from me, at one point, Julian took out his slippers and threw at me. We had a table beside us, and the little girl told her mummy, "mummy, he actually threw his slippers at them" Honestly, if I was there alone with him, I would have left the restaurant half way and we would have been on the way home. However, I saw my first born enjoying herself and I felt it was not fair to deprive her of such joy because of him and chose to focus on her and pretended to enjoy myself.
Deep down I was dreading each minute. I felt embarrassed and thought in the eyes of the others, I must have been the world's greatest failure. I would have cried but I knew I couldn't.

After awhile, Julian finally either got hungry or got tired and asked me to go to the corner to bring him to the table. (Finally, God took pity on me) When I started to talk to him about his behavior, he clamped up and refused to listen to me. Finally, I admitted to him that I was feeling hurt by his actions. With that, it suddenly sounded foreign to him and he seemed to realize something.

Pancakes have never
tasted so sweet..

My mother's instinct told me that what was said was enough and we just continued making the pancakes. I thought that the initial lesson of teaching them to be more loving towards each other isn't going to happen today especially when we just ended a trying session. I left the table to get some water and when I returned I was amazed that my daughter was feeding Julian pancakes. They were laughing and they just enjoyed the moment. And for that moment, they were loving.

On hindsight, if I had acted on my emotions and left the restaurant, I would probably have robbed them this chance of enjoying each other's company. In fact, a little part of me was proud that I didn't react to the situation but responded putting my daughter's needs above mine.

If sadness was created for humans to appreciate and understand what joy is, then trials in parenthood are invented for one to appreciate the immense joys it brings. Everyday has its own set of lessons waiting for us to grow as a family… all I know is, I only fail when I stop trying. And if you love your kids, you are ready for the challenge. :) Share with me what lessons you learn from parenthood!!! Otherwise… if you are reading this… You will be fine! :D

Fatherhood - When a Boy becomes a Man...

Yesterday was one of the (rare) days which I practically like all my friends' FB posts. Most (if not all) of those I liked were posts on appreciating their partners and/or fathers for being fathers. But I realized with each "like" I clicked, I was more so congratulating their wives on a successful marriage and partnership.

When D and I were dating, we talked about the future of us having a family (like who doesn't) but our discussion surrounded more around how to provide for them and how many kids (somehow, for this, we never really settled on a number…) It was only when we had kids, did we see the side of each other that we won't see when we are dating.

Like how D talks to the children, is totally different from how he talks to me.
To me, he can be (and is) comfortable, to them, he is protective and smitten (rolls eyes). 

Or what we will do for our kids...

Like recently, Audrey woke up at 2a.m with bad tummy ache. She was having constipation (she actually didn't poo for 3 days and we left it as that). She had to go to the toilet but she thought it was too painful to poo it out (trust me it was like watching your daughter go into labour). Despite having medical training, he wasn't sure how to help her… and he felt quite awkward seeing her like that. So I sat with her and gave her water, massage her back and made her poo. After 1 hour, whatever was stuck finally came out. After bathing her, D was very grateful and actually thanked me for it (like really?) He confessed he won't know what to do if it was just him. (In case you are wondering, Audrey now poos once a day)

But when the children were babies and had problem discharging their mucus from their nose, D would suck it out with his mouth (and of course he spits it out) BUT I don't think I can ever do that…. Like… ever. (To be fair… I know many dads who have done so.. and mothers who are grateful that the dads have done so)

Or what we worry for our kids…

Like how I would worry they won't be able to cope in school and if they are being a menace in school… and how D will… not worry. (Should I be worried??) Contrary to me, he would be damn proud if his kid was a bully rather than being bullied (Should i really be worried???) BUT the mister can worry about which boy will be taking his daughter out while I'm like… she's only 6?

But both of us play a very different role in our children's lives. I personally learnt that growing up… 

My dad was an air steward when I was a child and possibly because of that (and other reasons), I didn't really have much of a memory of him being around. Most of the time, my mum was the one who tried to play both roles of mum and dad. I know she was trying very hard and I know she loves me real lot, to be fair both my parents do, but I suppose a father's role isn't one that can be replaced by the other parent, and vice-versa.

Growing up, my most intimate times of heartaches (like when I broke up with my ex), my highlights of success (like when I aced my exams/interviews) or even the problems I faced when working was always straight to mummy. But I have to say, games I played growing up (like how dad and I played hide and seek when mummy cooked), magic tricks I learnt (I reckon every father has that silly hiding a coin game which will suddenly appear behind your ear or elbow), sitting on thrill rides in a theme park (mummy thinks that life's too short to scare yourself for nothing), early morning rides from home to school (because mummy thinks if the sun is not out, it's nature's way to tell people to continue sleeping) and many more were enriched because of dad. 

I don't think I could ever raise my kids without D… I mean, unless he dies, I would reckon it would be really tough… But it would be different. A father and a mother aren't just gender roles that society deems suitable and appropriate to bring up a family. And many a time, because of women's rights and gender equality we tend to forget these two compliments each other more than anything. 

I'm grateful to D for teaching the boys how to love, protect and treat with respect the woman he married, and yet teach Audrey, that she is worthy to be treated like a lady from the man she will love in future. 

I'm grateful to D for being able to handle the pressure and stress of providing for the family so that I can concentrate on just looking after the family's meals, disciplining the kids and schoolwork and even sneak in things I would want to do at times.

I'm grateful to D for making parenthood enjoyable. For being my support and my anchor when I have doubts on motherhood. 

Maybe because of their limited daily vocab usage, dads hardly teach their children how to live their lives, but their decisions and actions in life show their kids how to do so. 

So to the fathers out there… May you always be blessed with a Father's day moment of appreciation, to know that what you do makes a lot of difference to your kids and more importantly your wife. :)

What a Mother of 4 really wants as a Baby Bonus...

I had Audrey when I was only 26 and looking back, while there were times when it got a little trying, I never regretted having kids. In fact, the reason why I wanted them early was really because I was scared I couldn't have them.

People normally joked and said that D and I must be Singapore's most bored couple to keep having them…  (Some of our friends have kindly suggested a new tv set with better programs etc to keep us entertained.. God bless their souls) But many don't know that when I was younger, my aunt died during childbirth. 

They never really wanted kids until she was in the early 30s… And even though she was considered young, she never really thought she would be that few percentage that would have problems conceiving. When my aunt started to try, she had quite a bit of problems with her womb. In the end, she did IVF. Even with that, the journey wasn't easy. 

She suffered one miscarriage and for the second one, she was always in and out of hospital because of threatened miscarriage. Then came the day for delivery. Her amniotic fluid flowed back into her blood stream and she died on the operating table without having a good look at her daughter.

For her, money wasn't the issue. Accidents happen, and while there's regret, I know she's in good hands. But from her, I realized while we can plan for anything and everything, we really cannot plan on how many kids we have or if we can have them.

I didn't want to leave anything to chance. D and I agreed that each child is a gift and if God were to give us, He will give more to sustain us.

Having more kids didn't mean D and I had too much money (rolls eyes… they aren't properties you know). Neither did it mean that we had so many accidents and we didn't know how to count… (In case you were wondering, Audrey was planned). But we cannot deny, the joy and meaning they bring to our lives is priceless.

However, not many have the desire to appreciate these joys. I have to admit that on my part, my aunt has greatly played a role as to why I wanted kids and I want them young. Schools and even church seldom highlight and focus on the intrinsic joys a big family would give. 

I know children are expensive (trust me…) and besides whatever the government has done so far, if they asked me… I wished they could consider these:-

1) Hospital fees (and maybe childcare) to be increasingly cheaper for subsequent births (and child)

Every two years with the same delivery procedure (same hospital, same room, same doctor, same procedure) from Audrey to Julian, our hospital fees would increase by at least $2000 each time. And this is just the hospital fees.

You know how we always have a Buy 2 get 1 free concept? I'm not saying (though I don't mind) that my third delivery is free, but what I'm saying is a repeated customer should have some benefits… 

2) Transportation grants 

We got housing grants, we got education grants, how come it stopped short at transport??? Currently our car is a five seater, we know at some point, we need to reconsider that. Now between getting two cars and getting a 7 seater, we know the latter is a cheaper option. (Of course some smart alec will say use public transport, but I really don't think we should over work our trains that much) 

Now with the new loan ratio and all, to even consider getting a 8 year old 7-seater needs to be recalculated. While it doesn't need to be a luxurious X5, that grant does help cushion the pain.

3) Large families get higher priorities to schools of their choice (Ohhh I love this one)

As much as small families cannot comprehend why large families should get such privilege, I cannot understand why small families are on a same ground for school registration. I would rather Audrey go to another school and while we were within the 1-2km and 2km of the other two schools of our first few choices, it was not possible because suddenly, everyone shifted near there or had grandparents living there or whatever reasons. 

But the thing is they only get to use the benefit once or twice (for most)… I have no 2, no 3 and no4 waiting to go to school too… 

4) More income tax relief for dads.

I suspect why the benefits are usually tied to the mothers because the mothers are graduate and they are earning quite a bit. (The irony is some mothers don't even work after first child, so what is income tax) But honestly, maybe for the third and fourth child more benefits can be shared with the fathers. D definitely earns more than me and because he does, he bears more of the expenses of the household. 

At this point, I literally don't pay tax (and i declare them honestly). But the whole concept of the richer you are, you should be taxed more, should be reviewed at other angles like if they have more dependents. Julian's milk powder cost $100+/tin (he drinks Enfagrow stage 3) and while we have not gone to the stage of giving him condensed milk mixed with warm water, we pay a lot for their basic needs. I'm sure there's cheaper ones but Julian has been drinking that since young, and different milk powder has different taste, so it is really personal. We tried fresh milk, but it doesn't satisfy him as much as formula. It doesn't help that he is a milk vampire so each tin goes through quite quickly.

My point? Though we may earn above national average, so too is our expenses. And these aren't luxuries on ourselves but main things like milk powder and diapers for our kids. 

I find it silly how we need to earn more to make sure that the family has enough, just to be taxed on our personal incomes (which is over and above GST which is how much we spend). So… should we earn more or not? 

Family life may not make economical sense to many … and it doesn't. At times, it's better to be single and just spend the money you earn, but where's the meaning in it?

For now, and for most parts in our lives, we can only trust that God promises us that He will guide us through. :) 

Have a great weekend guys… with the ones that should matter the most to you. :)

Can you really teach a child how to cycle in 30 min?

So D wanted to teach the children how to cycle. He thinks cycling (on two wheels) is important for the children since it's like the basic life skills like swimming.
(I don't know about that… I mean… it's not like the kids now need to cycle to school from now on...)

So since the Mr was free and we had some time in the evening a few days back, we decided to teach them how to cycle. But before any parent teaches their kids how to cycle, you need to do prep work first.

You need to get them a bicycle (given), remove their supporting wheels (if any) and also the pedals (Bet you didn't know that). Basically, you are stripping it until it becomes a balance bike.

After which, as any typical parent, we geared them up with their safety gear and off we went to the nearby park to cycle. The plan was simple. We bring them to a park, find a slope and let them balance as they come down the slope.. (At least that's what the video says… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMIyC0tMt1s)

But what the video didn't say is the ratio should be 1 adult to 1 child. (Maybe it's given but we didn't realize it) Also, always remember if you have fun coming down, it may not be the same going up. We chose a short slope initially but it was so short that before the kid can really get the feel they they were at the bottom of the slope already. So we progressed to a longer slope. Problem with that was while it was great to get them to balance, we needed to make countless trips up the slope (with their bikes) and down (to receive the kids).

The kids trying to balance...

After a while, we got tired so we just got them to balance on a straight path. If they reached a certain point, they will just turn back. (This reminds me of those silly gym classes we brought Audrey when she can't even walk.. And we had to go round the obstacles while carrying her… i mean how's that gym for her???? But yes that's one of those silly things I've subscribed to)

So did the kids managed to cycle? Julian was too scared to go down the slope, so he did better on the pavement, but still that was restricted mainly to just him "walking on wheels". Audrey managed to get a hang of balancing first. She had some points where she managed to cycle a little, but after awhile would lose her balance. Isaac could go as far as balancing but not yet on pedaling. So we spent 1 hr in the park and the kids still weren't able to cycle. (D and I were realistic about that)

Well, to be fair, if we wanted convenience we could spend $100/hr for each child to get a coach to teach them, but that would rob us of the chance of witnessing the kids' milestones. On hindsight, the journey of doing an activity with them was more meaningful than being efficient.

As you guys have read in his guest post, D had a period when he was ultra down. He sometimes wished that time could fast forward so that he gets over it soon. But he recognized that even at our down point, we have other things given to us which distract us from the pain we went through. If time really past quickly, these things would as well… and sometimes these other things bring more joy than the pain from the challenges.

How do you discipline your kids?

We were having dinner with some of our friends and the topic of the disciplining of children came up. Some talked about spanking, while others talked about reasoning. Regardless, chances are there will be ONE parent who does the disciplining while the other uses that parent as a threat.

D is the fun-loving parent. He has the patience to play with them, to reason with them and to just have fun with them. The kids adore him and will choose to play with him over me ANY time.

But just because he plays with them doesn't mean that the kids listen to him when it is time for disciplining. Hence D's favorite line "I tell Mummy.." (In fact, that's everyone's favorite line)

D and I (mainly I) tried many ways of disciplining… From spanking to reward charts to reasoning to the ever famous naughty corners. There were a few times each worked, but there were times when the methods fell flat. 

Of course, when Audrey was in Cherrybrook Kindergarten, the tutor taught us some methods that we actually found more effective than others! So here's a write up on the reviews of the methods we tried:

1) Naughty Corner

D and I started the naughty corner with Audrey. Audrey knew how to count and initially when we started this, we would get Audrey to go to a corner and count to 10 before coming back.

M: Go to that corner and count to 10

(After Audrey finishes her counting, she comes back)

M: Are you ready to behave?

A: No

M: Okay fine. Go back there and count to 20

(Happily walks to a corner and counts. After so, she comes back and reports)

M: Are you ready to behave?

A: Yes

M: Are you now willing to listen to mummy and sit still? 

A: Yes (And she gives you the biggest smile ever and is more receptive on being disciplined)

The ever famous spot in our house...

You can say that it was easy but to even put her in the spot initially was hell… in fact, it was really painful to get all 3 of them to stay at the spot at first. You put them there, they move and run away from the corner. I lost count of how many times we had to carry them back to the spot. But they get the idea at one point. They can't win the parent (mummy in this case) and after a while, they just stay there until they have cooled down. 

The naughty corner works best when our kids throw a tantrum. (Do note that if they are tired, this is probably one method which will drain you out most. At such times, I hardly use this method or if I do, it will be for short periods) It makes them cool down and lets them realize that their tantrums won't get them anywhere.

2) Spanking 

All our kids have been spanked. But we draw the line on using the cane. While we both got caned by our parents and we are fine, D isn't comfortable with that. He believes that there are better methods than that. I listened to his stand and respected it. (He's their father regardless) We didn't know how we will discipline the kids subsequently, but we tried not to consider caning as an option.

However, we still spank them regardless. We do so mainly when they are stubborn or when they are disrespectful. 

3) Reward Chart

The ever popular stickers used...

We tried once… and only once. (and we didn't even finish it) To be fair, as much as it catches everyone's interest at first, sustaining it is another matter all together. That's our problem. It was hard work to keep track of their good behavior and giving them stickers for it everyday. 

But we also felt at one point, they were only behaving because they want to rewarded, not because they learnt the better thing to do.

What's worse is that this system depends heavily on their moods. If they felt like it, they behave and asked for their stickers, if they didn't, they still went back their old ways. Also, Audrey being the competitive one, always tried to have more stars on her chart than Isaac. After a while, D and I thought it wasn't exactly one of the best system and we discontinued it.

4) Asking "What" questions 

It is common that we always ask the children "Why", like "Why aren't you sharing your toys?" or "Why didn't you behave yourself".. etc. Audrey's tutor in Cherrybrooks taught us that asking why questions usually create a stumbling block. The children at one point, may not understand why they did so, and another they aren't sure what answer the adult is trying to get so that they will not be in trouble.

So we ask "What" questions instead.

Isaac was sitting on the sofa with his legs stretched out. Audrey wanted to sit at the edge of the sofa, however, Isaac was insistent not to let her do so, despite her asking nicely.

M: Isaac, can you move your legs and let her sit on the sofa?

I: No

M: What is stopping you from moving your legs?

I: (thought for a while) Nothing..

M: If nothing is stopping you, can you let her sit?

I: No

M: Okay. Is there anything I can do to help that?

I: No.

M: So is anything stopping you to move your legs again?

I: No

M: Can you now move your legs and let her sit?

I: Okay. 

Apparently, "What" questions make it less threatening. You may want to consider using that, this is one of the highly recommended methods!

5) Focus on what virtue can be practiced

A list of virtues that the school focuses on...

One of the reasons why I like Cherrybrook Kindergarten is their emphasis on virtues. Like some afternoons when Audrey sits and does her revision work with me, she does have her moments of procrastinating and gets distracted.

A: Mummy, I don't want to do already

M: Audrey, you are almost done. You just have half a page left. Can you practice some perseverance and self-discipline and finish it? After which, you can take a short break.

A: (thought for a while) okay…

So instead of saying to your child, "Don't be shy.", another way is to say "Let's practice the virtue of courage and friendliness and make some friends". My kids still need some encouragement here and there, but with consistency, they are getting there. Saying things like "Shy" or "Lazy" just highlights and gives them the reason to continue behaving the way they were, there was nothing (positive) for them to work on.

Whatever methods I use, I always end the discipline session with a hug and a kiss, reminding them that I love them a lot.

Discipling is a pain, but lack of discipline is worse. Do you have any methods that you use and don't mind sharing? Hope to hear stories from you too! 

An hour at East Coast Park

So yesterday D & I thought we should bring the kids out in the late afternoon since we wanted to tire them out for bedtime. (The children normally go to bed at 8p.m. to prepare for school tomorrow)

We had wanted to bring them for kite flying and thought that there would be some for sale at East Coast Park, but we were wrong. They sold frisbees, balls, bicycles, roller-blades, slippers, anything but kites. (Why not?) So we did what half the families in ECP did - rent a family bike. (on a separate note, the only way to get a kite now seems to from online shops….)

The bike rental was $40/hr and wasn't exactly the cheapest thing in ECP, but for a family of 5, it's not a very expensive activity for 1 hour.

These bikes have 4 pedals (but for our case, only 2 pairs were used). Audrey sat in front with daddy, Julian sat in between them, while Isaac sat at the back with me. Everyone started to pedal at the beginning. Isaac couldn't reach the pedals, so it started with 3 cyclists. 10 minutes into the activity, D asked if anyone was tired. "No!" said Isaac… like why would he be when he was just being cycled all the way….
D on the other hand was regretting, he thought we had cycled for some time, until he found out that it was just 10 minutes. I understand, because I was feeling that too… and I was wondering how to last through the remaining 50 min (Not that misery loves company but you guys should try when you are free…)

If you frequent ECP, you will notice their paths are continuously straight… Which means, we had to continuously cycle until the road was wide enough for us to make our 4 point turn.. (which is at least a 25 min cycle from where we started). It wasn't a glam thing as well, D had to get down to maneuver it while I pedaled.

On the way back, we went through this small path called Cicada garden. (Mistake… Big mistake) it was uphill… and from afar it seemed harmless. Halfway through, D had to come down and push the bike from the back, Audrey was tired, the boys were all just taking in the scenery… and i had to pedal… myself. It was like cycling on the gym bike with maximum resistance!
Fortunately, what goes up, must come down, and so we did… but because it was a short uphill… (it didn't feel short when we were cycling) downhill was short too… zzz

The cycle back was slower though… because now the adults are the ones cycling. We returned the family bike after 45 minutes (I am pretty sure we are not the only family who didn't make full use of it though) That 45 min made me appreciate motor engines. :)

The kids enjoyed themselves, we did too. We brought them joy… but guess the kids never knew how much more joy they brought us. :)