When You are Thomas the disciple

Taken from www.stawoodhaven.org 

I don't know if you feel the same, but to me, the twelve disciples who followed Christ were not just 12 different people but each was a character relating to me at a different phase in my life.

I had even been Judas before… Not that I 'betrayed' Jesus explicitly but I chose something else over Christ… and at one point thought I was not worthy of the goodness of God.

D and I have been discussing about finances, selling our place and renting a place near the boys' school for P1 registration etc. We also had some concerns about the hospital bills in case it escalates because of any pregnancy complication. (Well, as this time round my placenta is quite low and there's a risk that it would attach to the previous wound and in worse case scenario, the doctor would need to remove my womb in case of any excess bleeding). That conversation kinda left us a little down and stressed (okay and lousy). It was a conversation that confirmed our fears and uncertainties.

Interesting enough, yesterday's gospel reading at mass was on Thomas (John 20:24-29), okay if you forgot what the reading was just like what you forgot what you had for breakfast today, it was essentially him saying that unless he puts his fingers to Jesus' hands and place his hands on Jesus' sides, then would he believe that Jesus has resurrected. 

Thomas, who had the privilege to experience the goodness of Christ before, doubted that Christ had (or can be) resurrected. It's interesting that Jesus ended with "You believe because you can see. Happy are those who have not seen and yet believe". Peter was able to walk on water, yet when the wind blew, he started to fear and doubt.

Personally, it's not that I didn't believe that Christ was God. It was because I focused too much on my fears and worries. And even if you know that everything is going to be okay… you need faith to believe that to the end.

Faith to me is not just the absence of fear but the call to humility. 

I need to be humble to recognize that I am not in control, He is.

I need to be humble that my life isn't in my hands but His. 

I need to be humble to know that God has never left me no matter whether I hear His voice or not.

I need to be humble to know that I don't know everything and I don't need to. 

I need to be humble to know that He is God.

Picture from pinterest.com

Thomas, the apostle, probably learnt that lesson when he touched Christ's hands and side. That lesson had lasted him through his whole lifetime where he died a martyr. 

To be fair, even after a good night's rest, the worries we had yesterday still are here today. But the difference is, those aren't only my concerns anymore and because they aren't just my concerns, I have the privilege of leaving the worrying to Him and enjoy the moment of it. 

Hopefully reading this would sustain you through the week. :)