When Philip was sick in hospital, balloons brought him tremendous joy. Especially when they were attached to his feet, Philip would be so entertained seeing them move as his legs moved. And because of that for every Christmas, we would hold a special tradition to remember him by getting coloured balloons and writing our messages on them and releasing them into the sky.
The balloons got smaller as they drifted further away and it became seemingly clear that Philip was very far away from me. In fact, I used to shed a tear in the first few years when i saw how far the balloons got and thought the distance was always the most painful to deal with grieving my baby. It was only last year that I realised it was in fact not hearing from him that hurts more.
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| Us at last year’s Christmas tradition |
That silence reminded me of the times when I cried to God after being told by the doctors that they had found his cancer from his kidney had spread to his brain, leaving his odds of success to 4-8%, or when we barely finished his second operation that the 10cm cancer that was removed from his left kidney has returned and was at the size of 5 cm, or even when finally the cancer has spread and he was only given 3 weeks of survival. I wished then God would tell me why all this was happening but instead, He remained quiet.
And maybe because I couldn’t hear God, I started believing and hearing what the evil one was trying to tell me - that maybe God in His goodness wanted to take Philip back because he thought I would be a lousy mum to him, or how following God should not be so difficult and painful.
It is definitely easier to see God when things are good, in church when a married couple makes their vow, in childbirth when you hear a baby cry and maybe at the top of a mountain, but how does one see God in illness, in divorce and even in injustice? What does He actually look like in those times?
In the book of Numbers, the people complained against God and Moses and, as a punishment, God sent poisonous serpent. But He also provided a bronze serpent on a pole so that anyone who had been bitten could live should they look at the serpent of bronze. God didn’t leave his people to die. Instead, He invited them to look straight into their greatest fear and pain so as to be healed.
After Philip died, I remembered every day was either a good day with many bad moments or a bad day with some good moments. There were many tears wept, questions left unanswered, yet God continued to invite me each day to look at my pain rather than away because it is in there He knew a part of me had stopped living the moment Philip died, and that part which I had tried to hide from the rest of the world, mattered to Him.
I matter to my parents too but as much as they had tried, they couldn't be there in my life all the time and couldn't be involved in every part of my life.
As a parent, I love my children dearly. Unfortunately, even if I tried my best, I had missed some moments in their lives and didn't get it right either. For those times, I could only pray that God got it covered, that He was enough to convince them that they matter. And even in those times I can only see how much I have failed, I can only trust Him in faith that He was there for them.
In moments of pain and misery, our eyes can only see the obvious failures around us and because we cannot see, we think God was not there. We stopped seeing Hope because we manipulated it to what we want God to do. We stopped believing in Hope because we believed that our lives were like this because God was out there to punish us.
We stopped believing because we stopped using our faith to see in things our eyes can’t see.
So… where was God when my child was sick and dying? He was with him comforting and consoling him in his anxieties and pain in ways I couldn’t see or do. He was there in the friends who have reached out with food and prayers… and He most certainly was in the gentle wind at the swing in the park when I cried to Him wondering if this was my punishment for being a sinner… to which He told me it was not.
I really do like the last verse in the Servant song
“I will weep when you were weeping
When you laugh I’ll laugh with you
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we’ve seen this journey through”
I hope that on the day I die, I can finally see clearly with my eyes the times God has been there in my life, pain and suffering… but for now seeing the grace to carry me through each moment is good enough.
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