Why can't you say "Sorry"?

D and I are blessed to have 3 (and counting) kids. As much as we teach them things to cope in life, it is also through them that we learn things that no one else could have taught us. The best thing about having 3 kids is with them comes different lessons, or at least same lesson, different times.

Yesterday was one such time. Audrey was playing chess with Grandpa and Julian was sitting quietly beside them. After a while, he must have felt bored and started to kick Audrey's water bottle. Grandpa saw it and told him that what he did wasn't nice and told him to apologize to Audrey. Julian refused. Grandpa, on the other hand, kept telling him (nicely) that he should since that was neither respecting his sister's things nor his sister. Julian kept quiet.

Audrey sensing that it's not getting anywhere (and didn't want the game to be interrupted) told grandpa "never mind, grandpa, no need. Now your turn to move." Grandpa tried a little while but because Audrey kept insisting, he let it go. Julian of course got away happily. I witnessed the whole episode and  had a conversation with him:

M: Julian, what is stopping you from saying sorry?

J: (thought for awhile) nothing

M: Okay, then can you say sorry to jie jie now?

J: No

M: Why not?

J: Because Jie Jie said no need

(Am I always stuck with smart alecs???)

Congratulations to me again! I got another kid who is allergic to the word Sorry. (Is it just me????) I remembered when Audrey was about 2, she was very rude to the helper then. I told her to apologize to the helper. She refused. I brought her into my room, closed the door, and talked to her. She stood her ground. She was not going to apologize. Unfortunately for her, I didn't budge either. (And please… she was not that calm… all these while, she was crying and throwing her tantrums) One hour passed, nothing. Two hours gone, still nothing. We were in the room for three hours! I was doing my work and she was sitting in one corner. I told her only when she is ready to talk, she can then come to me. Finally she gave up. After three hours (THANK YOU GOD!!!), she came over, and said that she wanted to talk. I asked her if she knew what she did was not nice. She said yes. Then I asked her if she could apologize to the helper. She said ok. (Why couldn't she say so earlier???) Since then, she had no problems saying sorry. (Suddenly, the three hours was worth it… )

With Isaac, God gave me a break. (How kind..) He was a sensitive and easy child. When he hurts someone, or does wrong to another, he would say sorry. (If your child is like this… YOU ARE DAMN LUCKY!) 

So here comes Julian. Is there a better way to teach him to apologize or should I just stick to what I did with Audrey? I know I may not have the best methods so I googled for answers. It's interesting that now most studies say that parents should not get their children to say sorry because chances are they don't mean it and say it just to appease the parents. By doing so, the children would learn to only say "insincere" apologies. (I obviously am not convinced by it, but since I'm always the harsher one, I decided to discuss with the Mr on it)

D didn't buy the arguments for it. In fact, he thinks we should get the child to say sorry regardless. I asked what about the insincere apology bit. He said, ever since when apologies are sincere. (Suddenly I am not so sure about the times when he said sorry to me…) In fact if anything, it teaches the child humility and authority. 

I reflected on what he said. Does everyone mean their apologies as adults? (Of course the argument is, because from young they learn "insincere apologies" now it will be insincere) 

Many times, people say sorry… and with their apologies, come with the word "but". I don't know if it's just me, but to me, when someone says "Sorry… , But…" it means they are not sorry. It's like saying my act was justified, so I still don't think I had wronged you. (What's your style of apologizing like? Whether it's to your spouse or whoever.. :)) 

D and I, well, we don't say sorry to each other if we cannot see how our act is wrong. But not seeing that the act is wrong is different from not seeing that the other person is hurt from the act. We learn from  Engaged Encounter to instead of saying sorry to each other, we ask for forgiveness instead. (Not easy ok… saying sorry is telling the person to accept it in his/her time, whether they like it or not. Asking for forgiveness is on the other hand saying that while my act could be right, it was not enough to make you feel bad.) Will talk more about it next time… :)

Insincere apologies aside, I need to also recognize and consider what my child is like. Audrey and Julian are children with a lot of ego and pride. (Wonder who they got that from…) They may recognize that their act was mean, but that's the most they will do. They will not apologize unless someone insists on that. Isaac on the other hand, is very loving and aware of that and he feels uncomfortable to see another person hurt because of him. (How come so different???) 

For my egoistic kids, I don't tell them to say sorry simply because of their act. I insist that they sorry because life doesn't revolve around them. They may not like what they do, but they need to do it still. Maybe for the first few times they will be resentful. But considering everything, if i let it go, they may never learn to be humble especially in front of people who matter most to them. From there would the lesson of remorse be learnt. (And please… They KNOW at 2 years old, their act is not nice and can hurt people… so before saying that they are still young and not know anything… They are that manipulative….)

For my sensitive child, I recognize that also for him, saying sorry could easily just be feeding another's ego. We also have to make sure that Isaac doesn't say it too often, that he gives in to everything and not have a stand. 

SO back to Julian. Would I dread spending Xhrs in a room with him until he recognizes he needs to apologize? OF COURSE. But until I can come up with an easier way, I still need him to learn the lesson of humility. The only thing i can assure him is I will go through the lesson with him… :)

But through it all, believe me, they are truly blessings. So thank you God, for blessing me with them. :)

 

When a Math question teaches you humility… Part 3

So… for all you Audrey's supporters… I got this email from her teacher today..

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for your patience.  I have shared the alternative solution provided by Audrey and her answer can be accepted in this case.  I have informed Audrey about it before she was dismissed.

However, as mentioned, it is also important for Audrey to be familiar with the part-whole concept and be able to use both addition and subtraction equations appropriately.

I am glad we also had the opportunity to discuss Audrey's progress.  I hope she gets a good break and enjoy herself during the one-week term break.

Warmest Regards,

Mrs Lee

Through the whole episode, I am very sure she didn't know she was causing quite a sensation on the internet… To her, the Math paper was already history… Her being on time for school and having sushi during recess with her girlfriends are more important than whether the teacher appreciated or accepted her way of counting. (Boy I love her way of thinking…)

Yes, I heard some of you, the education system has its flaws but it's not unreasonable… So have a little bit more patience and faith it will be better. :)

That said, I do hope that through this sharing, it has reminded you to appreciate the little one(s) who are sent along your way… They are truly a blessing (I mean why would I have 4 if i don't think so..tsk tsk..) 

For those who have dropped me a message to tell me how special Audrey is, and how much you appreciated reading the blog…. Thank you… I really appreciated it. :)

Everyone's Favourite Topic - Eggs (An update on Math entry)

So just a few days ago, I blogged on the humbling lesson I'd learnt from my daughter's Math paper. (in case you didn't get to read it.. here's it… http://chellelifestory.blogspot.sg/2015/03/when-math-question-teaches-you-lesson.html)

When I started this blog (a week back), it had only a couple hundreds of views… but because of that entry, it became 6000+ (that post alone garnered 5100 views as of today). In another words it became viral. (Oh no… what have I done…) 

Because I posted it on Facebook, I had friends liking the post, commented on it and 2 (officially) shared it. But from there… somehow, it became 5000+ views from Singapore, 169 views from USA, 147 views from UK… the list goes on. (And as I write, the numbers are still increasing… like… how come people don't sleep one?)
I had friends who also privately messaged me and told me not to stop blogging and how much they enjoyed reading my blog (I was humbled… not as much as by the math question… but nonetheless still humbled) And because of that post, naturally they went on to read the next post on the outing to ECP… which is just a normal post that talked about mundane stuff. (now that was funny) Essentially they wanted to know, what did the school say (coming coming..)

From my Facebook page, I had many teacher friends who think that Audrey should not have been penalized. In fact, like me, they were pretty impressed by how orthodox her logic was… (okay because i didn't think that way… maybe that gene came from the dad) So to those who think the education system is hopeless, we got warriors in it who are trying very hard to prove otherwise. 

There were people who also commented that the answer should be 7. Their reason - whether it's broken or not, it's still an egg. (They are not wrong, but reading that made me want to slap them… only because they are my friends) True that, but we are not in a philosophy class.. so whether the glass is half full or half empty is really not the issue right now. 

There were also some who felt that because this is P1 Term 1's work and obviously, the children has been taught that whenever you see the term "left", the way to solve it is to use the subtraction method, hence if the student did not achieve the answer using that solution, the objective is not met and she should not be getting the score.

And that actually is the school's stand.

The teacher called me yesterday and in short, this is what she said:

1) Firstly, she really didn't see how Audrey got it at first and was quite surprised a child had interpret it this way

2) This was done in class and the students were taught that whenever they see "left", at this point, they should take the whole and take away a part of it.

3) The students are not expected to read word equations now, hence they had to minimize the words used and rely heavily on the diagram.

4) The question (while many argue is poorly set) is actually modified from their workbook (uh oh…. i hope now there won't be 4000+ people flipping through the P1 Math workbook and finding fault with it)

5) As a level they somehow agreed that because Audrey didn't meet their objective of the test, she can't be awarded the mark…

6) Ironically, however, if Audrey had put (4 +3 = 7) down as the working, and gave her answer as 4 she will get the mark instead of the comment Fluke! (Yes, we had to explain to her what Fluke is… okay the teacher explained that she thought it was only by chance that Audrey got it right) Oh in case you are wondering, it's because the child has understood part and whole concept… like a number bond?

Of course the protective parent in me didn't accept their explanation. (Please… I'm a Singaporean still… where can you find a singaporean who doesn't complain??) But I was very calm and told her to discuss with her level head/HOD again… (I didn't say I will resort to the press though… I mean like, does it still work nowadays???? )

And as a parent, these were my reasons:

1) In order to understand what was "left", the child understands it would be the unbroken eggs (And audrey has achieved that)

2) I asked her, if you gave a child $2 as daily allowance, and she spends $0.80 that day. Now if you had asked her, how much money does she have left, and she starts counting the remaining money in her wallet to give you the answer, should she be penalized? (Of course the teacher said no, but she said, in this case, the kids were taught that for such question to use subtraction to find the answer for left… which obviously contradicts point 6 above… that in a bit)

3) I also said if they had strictly wanted her to use subtraction, they could simply worded it as "Using a subtraction equation, find how many eggs are left." Then that would have minimize any chance of misinterpretation

4) If Audrey could come up with an easier and less careless alternative (Well it's definitely easier to add 3+1 than 7-3), why are we faulting her? Besides at national exams teachers are also taught to accept alternative answers and solutions should it make sense, why not now..

5) How come we can accept 4+3=7 (award 1 working mark for that) and give 1 mark for the answer 4? I mean if the child puts 3, and still get 1 mark for working, how is that even understanding the question? It doesn't make any sense at all right?

6) Finally, I told her, considering the above, if the school insists that she is wrong, what values are we telling the child? That because Audrey doesn't conform to the norm, she should not be rewarded? Or because she didn't meet the KPIs of the test, she is wrong? (how would a 6 year old know so much?) In short, I told her that it is not about the marks, but what message we are telling the child by marking it wrong.

See I may be a strict parent with high expectations, but I am a very protective one as well, especially when it comes to her development. If I did my part as a parent, I won't allow anyone to create a mess out of it.

To which, she told me she will discuss with her level coordinator again and get back to me… soon. This is the last week and I really hoped that they could explain to Audrey this week since it's all fresh in her mind. (So don't worry there will be another update on that)

BUT guys, before you condemn the school/teacher, or saying that it's ridiculous (come on admit it) the intention of the post was really NOT to declare war against the authority (it seems like it's a trend these days, but it's really not my cup of tea). It is also not to scare parents to see how hopeless the education system is or how the teachers should go back to NIE or try taking national exams again or whatever... (There are MANY dedicated teachers in the service who work very hard to look after a stranger's child while they can only pray that someone will look after theirs… and no… the tax you pay don't pay for their salaries because hello… they pay tax too!)

That blog entry was only humbling because it was only by taking time in the quiet moments of the night, looking from a 6 year old's point of view, and hoping to understand it better, did I realize that I had overlooked her alternative suggestion (which is not wrong!) 

Audrey wasn't misunderstood because her parent, i.e. me (this once) did it. But there's other kids who may not have been given another chance and even had their answers laughed at because, to us, it didn't make sense. 

Unfortunately, they could be your child/student. My question is, when the time comes, would you then, have celebrated his/her small successes or condemned him/her like the rest of the world?
The objective was then to say, yes they are kids and they may see things differently, but no, it may not be wrong.  

With that, I hope the essence of the entry was not lost. 

Audrey's Savings Progress for Term 1

I am one who feels uncomfortable about rolling my credit card bills to the next month but I also know it's becoming a trend at least in Singapore. With the credit card culture, many spend their money even before it is earned, and the irony is, these are people who are earning quite a substantial amount.
The sad thing is, sometimes once you start snowballing the debts, it becomes an avalanche.

At the end of last year, I happened to come across this blog entry where this parent shared how she taught her children how save with their daily allowance.
http://www.mumseword.com/2014/01/pocket-money-allowance-primary-sch/

It's amazing how one small act like that can inspire and help many other parents who wanted to teach their child how to save. I for one bought the idea and since the beginning of school I shared on my Facebook that Audrey will be doing this to teach her too how to manage her money.

I modified the mummy's idea a little and this is what I do:

Audrey gets an allowance of $2 a day.
I put 10% ($0.20) in her tithings compartment and another 10%($0.20) in her savings compartment. (I want her to know she needs to save first before she can spend and not spending everything she has and save the remainder)
Because of our monthly expenses on the kids, house, groceries etc, most (if not all) of our income becomes the expenses for the month. While I do the monthly savings from my earnings, our output is definitely more than our savings, which makes us very uncomfortable.
I don't wish the kids to live their month to month like us, given a choice, and I would rather them have such a habit from day 1. Hence, I ask her to save (in other words, "pay" herself first before spending).

The next 10% ($0.20) she puts in the donation compartment.
She is then "free" to spend the remaining $1.60. She doesn't seem to have many things in school that excite her enough to want to buy other than sushi or noodles soup… So she either spends $0.20 (on sushi) or $0.80 (on noodles).
With the remaining money, she comes home to decide whether it goes into the savings or the donations compartment.

Audrey's savings so far...

On average, Audrey donates about $2.40/week to the church's Sunday's collection. She has so far saved $30.10 (as of today), not bad considering she went to school for about 35 days (excluding public holidays and days she were on medical leave).

I got her to use her savings for the more affordable and cheaper things she needs to use. E.g. Audrey tells me her pencils are all too short and needed new pencils. I told her that since she has some savings, she could use her money to buy new pencils for herself, of which she agreed.

I wanted her to learn a few things. That while mummy and daddy can provide, she needs to be independent to learn at times she can be responsible for her own things. Maybe, if it is bought from her own money, she would appreciate more? We can only hope. Subsequently, when she knows the value of things, we will then give her the option to decide whether she wants to spend $2 on 10 pencils or on 4. That would be another lesson to be taught… later.

I have to say, with her weekly savings, Audrey looks forward to going to mass every week. She is always excited during the offertory and proudly puts her money into the bag when the wardens come round each pew. In the past, we would give each kid $10 for donation in church… But now between the two… she rather her money.

I'm sure at one point, when Audrey grows up, she will get a chance to read this blog… somehow, somewhere. And if she gets to read this entry, I hope she knows that mummy is very proud of her. :)

When a Math question teaches you a lesson on humility...

My (not so) little girl came home yesterday with her first English and Math tests. She scored 15/20 for both. The teacher commented that she could have done better if she had read the instructions properly.
I agreed with the teacher. I flipped through the papers in front of her to see what her mistakes were. They were mainly careless mistakes which could be avoided if she had put in greater effort while doing her test.

I told her immediately I was not happy with the results. I told her it's a shame that she got this grade because of her carelessness. (I'm not sure which is worse… to do badly because of carelessness or because they are clueless) From all my posts, I am sure you will know that I am not a person who will lower my expectations because she is my daughter. In fact, by doing so, I think she would only learn to expect second best for herself… from her work, life and even her future partner.

After the (mild) scolding, I told her to go and sleep after saying goodnight and apologizing for her poor performance. While putting the youngest to bed, my dear girl went under her blanket and was completely quiet. I knew immediately she was in tears. (Well… that's what I do when I don't want anyone to know I'm crying…. and… she IS my daughter after all) I waited for her to calm down, pulled the blanket aside, with both my hands on her face, I looked straight into her eyes and told her I love her no matter what the score was. She was still someone I was proud of and with her ability, she deserved to do better. She teared a little and with a kiss, she went back to bed.

This whole episode made me reflect on whether I had passed the test as a parent myself.

I wanted to see how other parents coped with this and I tried to google on articles or sharing about parents who have discussed the times when their kids didn't perform as well as expected. Hmm.. interestingly while there are tons of articles talking about behavior, hardly any site talked about this.

D had dinner with some friends last night and when he came back, I showed him the papers.
Unlike me, he tends to be the more relaxed parent. Not that he has low expectations of the kids, he just didn't think it was something we should sweat about. Unlike me too, he looked at the paper as a whole, not at the mistakes Audrey made. Laughed and said okay. (Really so difficult to say more than one word????)

When the kids slept and all was quiet… I looked through the paper again. This time at the small successes that I may have overlooked earlier. Audrey got her concept of addition (2 and 3 numbers) right… She understood how to form sentences with the words in different order… She wrote neatly… She completed her paper in the given time. :)

I looked for the things that I should look at as a parent, not a teacher… And then I saw this….
There's this question that she got wrong. The question asked how many eggs are left. I'm sure many of you, just like me, at first glance, not understand what she was thinking about. There's 7 eggs, 3 broke, why on earth should she put 3 + 1 = 4?

She didn't get the right answer because of "fluke". She got it because she saw the solution differently. She took the 3 eggs from the left and added to the 1 egg on the right to give the answer. Like what I mentioned in the email to the teacher, the standard way of marking didn't make room for a different way of solving the question. (Aren't you amazed how kids can surprise you at times?)

I'm fine if the teacher not reconsider accepting her way of solving the question… but I did mention to the teacher to be less ambiguous with the question should they not be ready to accept a different style of  answering.

Audrey has 'humbled' the teacher in me. While it doesn't discount the other careless mistakes she made, it does feel good to be proven wrong by her. :) (Okay… maybe if Ms. Smart Alec keeps doing it, it may not feel that good..)

When she came back from school today, I told her I appreciated her for seeing things from another point of view (I mean isn't this what we are encouraging nowadays) and that I actually learnt something new from her. She just smiled and continued doing her work assigned to her today. :)

With deeper reflection, I never asked her how she felt about getting such results. While I felt it was not good enough and I was very clear in showing my displeasure, she may have thought otherwise. Her feeling good at getting 15/20 is not a bad thing. In fact, just because she felt good getting 15/20, it doesn't mean she won't want to get a better score. So, while she got 15/20 for her test, I failed for mine.

That's the thing about Parenthood… Just like life and love, it's a mystery. It doesn't come with any manuals (since each child is different).. We can only pray that we don't screw up too much. I thank God that He has given kids an amazing ability to overlook the shortcomings of their parents no matter what… Isn't that after all His message to us too? :)

An hour at East Coast Park

So yesterday D & I thought we should bring the kids out in the late afternoon since we wanted to tire them out for bedtime. (The children normally go to bed at 8p.m. to prepare for school tomorrow)

We had wanted to bring them for kite flying and thought that there would be some for sale at East Coast Park, but we were wrong. They sold frisbees, balls, bicycles, roller-blades, slippers, anything but kites. (Why not?) So we did what half the families in ECP did - rent a family bike. (on a separate note, the only way to get a kite now seems to from online shops….)

The bike rental was $40/hr and wasn't exactly the cheapest thing in ECP, but for a family of 5, it's not a very expensive activity for 1 hour.

These bikes have 4 pedals (but for our case, only 2 pairs were used). Audrey sat in front with daddy, Julian sat in between them, while Isaac sat at the back with me. Everyone started to pedal at the beginning. Isaac couldn't reach the pedals, so it started with 3 cyclists. 10 minutes into the activity, D asked if anyone was tired. "No!" said Isaac… like why would he be when he was just being cycled all the way….
D on the other hand was regretting, he thought we had cycled for some time, until he found out that it was just 10 minutes. I understand, because I was feeling that too… and I was wondering how to last through the remaining 50 min (Not that misery loves company but you guys should try when you are free…)

If you frequent ECP, you will notice their paths are continuously straight… Which means, we had to continuously cycle until the road was wide enough for us to make our 4 point turn.. (which is at least a 25 min cycle from where we started). It wasn't a glam thing as well, D had to get down to maneuver it while I pedaled.

On the way back, we went through this small path called Cicada garden. (Mistake… Big mistake) it was uphill… and from afar it seemed harmless. Halfway through, D had to come down and push the bike from the back, Audrey was tired, the boys were all just taking in the scenery… and i had to pedal… myself. It was like cycling on the gym bike with maximum resistance!
Fortunately, what goes up, must come down, and so we did… but because it was a short uphill… (it didn't feel short when we were cycling) downhill was short too… zzz

The cycle back was slower though… because now the adults are the ones cycling. We returned the family bike after 45 minutes (I am pretty sure we are not the only family who didn't make full use of it though) That 45 min made me appreciate motor engines. :)

The kids enjoyed themselves, we did too. We brought them joy… but guess the kids never knew how much more joy they brought us. :)

Pak Thor after Marriage

We were supposed to catch up with some friends yesterday but unfortunately one of them fell sick so it was postponed to another day.

So since we were free, D and I thought we should do dinner outside and go "pak thor" (i.e. dating) just like before.
We wanted to watch movies but the shows we wanted to catch were either sold out or had only the lousier seats left. (I didn't feel too bad since the price difference as compared on a weekday is $5 per person) But that said… I guess half of Singapore also didn't know what to do on a Saturday night. So we went on to do the next "singaporean" thing - walk around in a shopping centre.

We reached NEX at about 9.30p.m and boy was it crowded. I wanted to go to the game arcade since that was what I did when I was younger, while the Mr didn't. D defined 'pak thor' as just window shopping and didn't think we should waste money. (Whatever.) We went to Popular though and I got some books for Julian and myself and a dictionary for the Indon helper. (HOW can not spend money on date one???)

We stopped by Toastbox for a drink and some snack. I don't know what got us talk about family gatherings and the dear husband said he is not going for any of my family gatherings with my grandpa henceforth. (yes… that is a start of a disagreement.. )

A summary of what happened - My grandpa had seen D some weeks back to make a new set of dentures. D had actually gone out of his way to help him by going to his place in the evenings to do his mould, skipped lunch so that he can attend to him etc and all this at $0. (Yes, he is really sweet, and I really appreciate him for this)
However, during the last visit at the clinic, grandpa was very irritated because his gums were swollen and he was in pain. He was being a pain as well and became rude to D who went out of his way to see him. (D was irritated but he didn't show it to him… where to find such a guy right?) Grandpa was so difficult that my uncle just took him home so that D could have a break. To be fair, if it were me, I think I would have told grandpa off longggggg ago.
In general, D can tolerate many things, but he doesn't like it when people are rude to him. As in, he really doesn't like it. Hence, he insisted that he will not attend any future gatherings with grandpa.
We actually discussed this on the night when it happened. However, because it was late, we decided to call it truce and discuss it another time when he feels less upset on the matter. We thought it was okay to do it another time because albeit he was angry, he wasn't upset with me or us.

I agreed with him that grandpa's behavior was uncalled for and he has the right to not see him as a patient henceforth. However, that aside, he is still family and regardless, a family gathering is not complete if either one is absent. (Yes, my family isn't perfect, but with God's grace, we try.)
My point to him was he had all the right to not see him as a dentist, but not as a grandson-in-law. While his point was, he just cannot stand rude people. Period. He also had his concerns. He might be further upset with grandpa if he was unreasonable again, so he rather not see him.

I felt his struggles, and I shared how things i do at times were not for his friends/family but for him. I have learnt too that in marriage one's joy can come from seeing another person happy and not because it makes me happy. (Yes, as much as I don't show it, I do love the  Mr quite a bit). He understood that, and he agreed that as hard as it is, he would do it for me, rather than for anyone else. He finally agreed on one condition, that he doesn't talk to grandpa on anything teeth related unless he apologizes (haha… let's just not talk about teeth). We had almost finished our drinks and snacks and thought it was time to go.
 
M: Where should we go now? (it was 10.45pm)
D: Go home la
M: Huh? How come when we pak thor before marriage, we always go home so late, now so early?
D: Ya.. Normally the date ends when the couple argues.

How not to love his wit? He was joking of course. And I did try to google some stuff to do:
1) Movies marathon
2) Play wii  (We wanted to but the controls weren't working…)
3) Visit Senoko Fishery Port (But that's at 2am onwards only)
4) Go Cosmic Bowling
5) Go to a comedy club

We ended up doing the movie marathon (with ONE movie) when we came back… But we do hope that we will somehow do the others soon…. That aside…. Besides putting the kids to sleep… what do married couples do at night????