I'm not sure if many realize but while we many be able to decide and control the amount of money we earn, the type of friends we hang out with, the spouse/partner to be with, the type of job to do, the gift of parenthood is one that's not based on one's merit and choice. That makes being mummy to Audrey, Isaac and Julian (and now no4) even more special. Because, even through my limitations, mistakes and unworthiness, the one above thinks i can love and be loved by ways more than one.
Yet the gift of parenthood comes with the gift of fear - fear that I will fail them as a mum, fear that I will not able to see them blossom, fear that I may not know what to do when something bad happens to them and the greatest one.. the fear I will lose them.
I was sharing with some friends that though I am at 18 weeks now, I don't really feel the movement of the baby… I am a little paranoid that something might happen to it, especially when now I seem to see quite a bit of Facebook postings on stillborns and failed pregnancies etc. I can't help at times to wonder if it is a sign to prepare me for the worse.
Many didn't know, but between Isaac and Julian, I had a failed pregnancy. Though it was only 7-8 weeks then, I remembered for some nights subsequently I actually broke down and wondered if I could have done anything different to protect that baby… But the pregnancy ended and though 3 months later I was given Julian, the pain of losing that baby will always be there.
Of all the funerals that I have attended, the most painful ones are those when the parents have to bury their child, because when they lay their child to rest, a part of their hearts goes down with them.
Lent helps me to reflect how much then God loves me (and you… and basically everyone on earth). Isn't it the greatest irony that the carpenter's son was to be hammered onto a cross and left there to die? I mean, all the while Christ could be a fisherman's son or whatever… but growing up for him was playing with the tools that one day will kill him. And God the Father knows but all He would do was to let it happen.
If you haven't had the chance to listen to this song - Sacrifice by Bob Fitts, I highly recommend that you take some time to watch it on youtube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc8bXQ0ytD8). In short, this song was on how Abraham was brought to the test of sacrificing the one child whom he had been waiting for basically all his life…
The song writes the pain and struggle of the Abraham as he walks up the hill to sacrifice his son who essentially is his dreams, hopes and his everything.
The songs ends asking us to consider that love when God chose to sacrifice Jesus just to save us. Of course, He is God… and with a snap of his fingers (if he even wants to do it) everyone will be saved, but just to make us understand how much love He has for us, He had to sacrifice his son. (I mean isn't it easier to just kill yourself than to sacrifice your child?)
So… Thank you Father… for time and again reminding me that I'm specially made according to Your plan. Thank you for giving me the reassurance that no matter what happens, You will always carry me through… And i pray that should the time come for me to obey, your sacrifice gives me the strength to say yes.
No comments:
Post a Comment